[littleplum]

Hello everyone!

I am new to therapy, and am not really informed of what's considered "normal" in a session.

Basically, I noticed that my T doesn't look at me while I am talking. He only looks at me at the end of the session or when are discussing insurance issues. I don't know, I always feel like when someone isn't looking your way, they are not really listening. At least that's how I am. If I am not looking, I am not really listening.

That seems strange to me. It's usually the client who avoids eye contact, whilst the therapist tries to maintain it and make a connection.

[Perna]

That's a switch; usually we complain because we, as clients, have difficulty looking at T.

I would mention it to your T and discuss it. It could be he finds it easier to "hear" not looking, looking can sometimes be distracting. Or he may not be aware you would like him to look at you when you speak since many people have difficulty, he may think he's making things easier for you so you don't feel such intense interest from him.

Is your T of a different nationality from you? There could be cultural things going on too; I would discuss it with him.

[Melody_Bells]

Hi Little Plum! That must feel weird to have your T not look at you. I agree that it feels like someone is listening when he/she is looking at you. Did you have a chance to ask him about this? My T looks at me with an expression of concentration and caring, which makes me feel so heard and loved. I hope your T listens to your concerns about this!

[Asiablue]

Yeah, i wouldn't like that either. I doubt it's cos he's not listening but i can see why it could be perceived that way. I hope you can talk to him about it.

[LadyShadow]

Yes I agree with what everyone said! And I also agree about the cultural thing too. It could be the way he is or just his style.

I have trouble looking at my therapist. he is always so focused on me! It does make me feel good though that he is so interested in me and gives me caring attention.

I would feel like he's not paying attention or listening either if he wasn't looking at me.

[littleplum]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I appreciate it!

Yes, I also feel it is a bit strange and even awkward sometimes. Because I definitely look at him more than he looks at me. He remembers things from the previous sessions and etc, so that's good to know.

Perna, yes we are from different backgrounds.

I don't know how to address it though. I feel like he might misunderstand me or that I am somehow questioning him.

[Perna]

I would just state it like it is; "I have noticed you do not look at me very often when I am speaking and I like being looked at; I feel uncomfortable and like maybe the person listening to me might not be "all there" if there is no visual confirmation for me."

Or, if you know that is the case (that you are uncomfortable and worried the person isn't listening) you could practice picking up on other clues from people that they are listening, do care, etc. It would widen your repetoire of body language and face reading abilities Look at his face when you are speaking and see what minute expressions happen when you say certain things or speak in a certain way?

How does he respond when you look at him when he is speaking? Maybe just discuss the subject in general, in an upbeat way; "I enjoy it when people look at me when I am speaking and notice you look at me less when I am speaking than I look at you. Is that okay that it makes me a bit anxious to not be looked at so much or could we maybe explore that more?"

[wotchermuggle]

I'm glad you mentioned that you both come from different backgrounds. That is probably a large part of it.

Another part of it could be that he's thinking about what you've said, which makes people look away briefly.

Maybe those two things combined has him rarely looking at you.

[littleplum]

Originally Posted by Perna

Or, if you know that is the case (that you are uncomfortable and worried the person isn't listening) you could practice picking up on other clues from people that they are listening, do care, etc. It would widen your repetoire of body language and face reading abilities Look at his face when you are speaking and see what minute expressions happen when you say certain things or speak in a certain way?

Hahaha. Oh no, not body language again. I'd like to think that i am good at reading body language. I spent a lot of time reading about body language last year.... LOL

OK. I will def try that when I see him.

How does he respond when you look at him when he is speaking?

Well during the therapy he sometimes doesn't even look at me directly when he is speaking. He says something like, "Hmm...bla blabla...you used that word several times." and doesn't even look at me while I am looking at him. But once the therapy is done and we speak about general stuff he makes direct eye contact and looks very confident.

I guess that's how he does things. I guess I will have to ask him!

Thanks!

[littleplum]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

I'm glad you mentioned that you both come from different backgrounds. That is probably a large part of it.

Another part of it could be that he's thinking about what you've said, which makes people look away briefly.

Maybe those two things combined has him rarely looking at you.

He sits facing the wall not me. I only see his profile.

Hopefully, that's his way of listening and doing things.

[content30]

That is atypical T behavior. Every T I've had always made eye contact more often than not. I mean, it is odd to both stare into each other's eyes the whole time without ever looking away, but my T and eye make eye contact the majority of the time.

[littleplum]

Originally Posted by content30

That is atypical T behavior. Every T I've had always made eye contact more often than not. I mean, it is odd to both stare into each other's eyes the whole time without ever looking away, but my T and eye make eye contact the majority of the time.

Maybe he doesn't like something about my face. I should try to wear a mask next time.

[gaia67]

That sounds very odd. I wouldn't like that at all.

Sent from my LG-MS770 using Tapatalk 2

[content30]

Originally Posted by littleplum

Maybe he doesn't like something about my face. I should try to wear a mask next time.

Aww...I know you're being funny, but seriously don't personalize it. This is about your at and not you. Your T may have confidence issues or may just have a habit of doing that for whatever reason. It certainly is atypical, but, again, it is an issue T has and not about or because of you!

[murray]

That is interesting, especially what you said about T looking at you more when you are just engaging in chit chat. Maybe T is better able to truly listen and pick up on things when he is not actually looking directly at you. I know that for me I find it easier to listen and pay attention when I am not looking at someone directly. I find eye contact and facial expressions are too distracting and misleading to me....but that's just me.

[WePow]

This sounds like it is just his therapy style. I think it may be Faudian style.
Doc John has info here on different styles: Types of Therapies
I encourage you to just come out and ask. Therapy costs time and money. I strongly encourage you to get into the good habit now of point blank asking the T what you need to know. Trust me, it will save you HOURS of worry time.

[Miswimmy1]

Asking him would be a great idea...

Personally it would annoy me if my t didn't look at me.