[PeeJay]

I drew up what I can figure out of my ex-T's family tree using Internet searches. I found some FB photos of my ex-T and saved them so I can look at them later. Twice, I drove by my ex-T's house, but I justified it by saying I had to go that way anyway. (Debatable.) And I did a local court records search on T.

Does anyone else do this? What boundaries have you crossed with T? Do you tell T? My T terminated all clients because of personal reasons and so I really struggled with losing her. I think I'm trying to maintain the connection via boundary crossings.

What do you do if your social circle, through clubs, activities, sports or children's activities, merges with T's? Even though I want T in my life, I find it incredibly awkward to have mixed social circles.

Also, I recently learned that one of my friends is friends with my ex-T's spouse! My T told her spouse that I was a patient and so I feel like the whole thing is so weird.

[granite1]

i have looked up my T lic and that was it .it did have her home address and the address of her private practice .i see her at a differnt address. but that has been it .i have never went by her house . or her new office .i did go by her old office because i needed to go to the office next to hers for something.

the only thing i think i have done that has crossed her boundaries is sent her a few e-mails and 2 letters in the mail . the e-mails wew from this year maybe about 6 .not sure. but i am working on not doing that any more

[Raging Quiet]

I've sent her an email when i was at work having a crisis and written her a letter out of sessions. I've googled her a few times to see what her speciality was and to make sure she was registered.

She used to walk me to the bus stop in the dark after sessions because she told me I seemed very vulnerable which I suppose was me subconsciously crossing a boundary as I always let her walk me there.

[meganmf15]

Googled her ad nauseaum and found out that we have the same birthday. I fessed up and now we wish each other Happy Birthday on the same day!

Sent flowers to her home when she had brain surgery.

I tell her everything. No holds barred.

Pam

[HealingTimes]

We were once texting at about midnight. That's the main one that i can remember. It was a mutual thing though and neither of us minded.

I text her too many times at the start and we had a talk about boundaries, that was t1 though she was a stone cold t

I'm not aware that I have bumped up against any of his boundaries. He is extremely consistent with and models healthy boundaries, and I'm pretty good with respecting boundaries when it comes to the people I interact with. I ask for what I need, and he is pretty predictable in his responses so I just haven't run into that problem.

[murray]

There are things that T allows me to do such as emails, calls, gifts, but since he is fine with it and we have discussed each of these things and why he allows them before they occurred, I have never crossed his boundaries. I am usually very careful about ever crossing anyone's boundaries and so T has worked pretty hard to get me to reach out and allow him to support me.

[stopdog]

Honestly these things posted don't sound like boundary crossing to me. As far as I know I have not crossed any boundaries nor has she crossed mine, but I let mine be known pretty clearly and up front. She refuses to explain anything, but I just go see other therapists and pose the info to them and get their explanations.

Well, for one T what might be a boundary crossing might not be for another...a lot of what I read here sounds more about feeling guilty that we are taking up our Ts time outside of session in some way, or looking them up on the Internet (and often a T can decide how "present" they wish to be on the Internet, so that is their choice...Ts KNOW clients look them up. I mean, they just do.)
I talked a lot about boundaries with my ex-T, so I have had a ton of time to think about them. He had said he would never hug a client (although I did not ever ask him to hug me..it was more of a discussion re: therapy in general and I wanted to hear his thoughts on how Ts approach things, etc.) I did tell him that I looked him and his wife up online (I wanted to see what she looked like) but never saw it as a boundary crossing, because it's a pretty regular client thing. I never persued it any further beyond googling, so I was comfortable with both my actions and the discussion I had with him about it.
I find it hard when I have switched Ts to know exactly what counts as a Ts "boundaries" without like, a LIST or some explicit comments, and I have yet to really receive any...except to know that my new T has not given out his email address so I assume he does not email, which is fine with me.
Oh, and I generally assume most Ts don't accept gifts (or aren't comfortable with it) based on some of the discussion with my ex-T, but I have never thought about buying any of my Ts anything anyway. I am already giving them a check.

[stopdog]

I would think contacting a therapist in a way they asked not to be contacted or at odd hours (like with anyone else one deals with) would be a boundary thing. But just looking them up online or calling their published business line or using their published email to contact them just does not seem to be boundary crossing to me. I think just acting with a therapist the same way one would act with any other professional one hires is pretty much okay. People do email mds, dentists, lawyers, accountants and therapists. Sometimes those professionals return the email, sometimes they do not. But just writing them using their professional email that they have made public or given a client just is not, to me, a boundary thing at all without there being more involved to the situation.

[wotchermuggle]

None that I know of. I asked once and he said I hadn't crossed any.

[ThisWayOut]

I try to be very aware about crossing boundaries, and try hard not to do it. I have asked a few times with this T is I pushed my boundaries, and he has constantly said no.
My old T was a little more forward with info, and created a blog one summer whne she biked across the country for her 60th (took about 4 months and she wanted to give her clients a way to feel still connected). I wonder about their lives outside of being clinicians, but I never push for info or look up their addresses or anything. If they disclose it, then it is clearly a boundary they have drawn loosely. I think it's different for every T, and some are more stand-off-ish than others. My current T accepts emails (though there is an understanding that he never has to respond, but I am more comfortable writing some things than speaking them so I send it through email). My old T was never very active on email with her clients and rarely read any I sent to her. She said upfront that she did not check her emails too often, so the expectation for her to read them was not there...
Our new couple's therapist bonded with us over having lived in the same northern state, in a town we were very familiar with, and she was familiar with where we frequent, so we chatted a bit about that (and where she went to school, etc).
I would agree that T's can make themselves as available or invisible online as they wish. I worked with kids in the state system for many years, so my online presence rarely ever includes my full or real name...

[content30]

I don't think I've ever crossed T's boundaries. I'm certain that my T would tell me. Of course, I Googled her...I think that is par for the course these days. I hugged her once...I had been in the hospital, and, then, she was on vacation. I saw another T in her group three times. The third time I saw the other T, my T was back in the office. I did not expect to see her there, and when I saw her walking down the hall, I said, "HI T!!" I gave her a big hug. She hugged me back and asked how I was doing. She never said anything about it, and neither did I. It was just a knee-jerk reaction. I was doing poorly and was so happy to see her. I've never hugged her again. If she thought it was a boundary issue, then she would have brought it up.

[jkbob]

I don't know if I've crossed T's boundaries and I imagine if I did she would tell me. I think I may be close because I googled her and since there wasn't much info about her I found info about her H, ex-H, daughter, etc. Not a lot and I told her about everything I found.

I have written her letters outside of sessions and brought them with me. I called her once and asked her if I could send one and she said ok. I recently left 3 voicemails in a row on her phone and then called and apologized the next day.

[WikidPissah]

I don't think I've ever crossed a t's boundaries. I don't google them repeatedly in an attempt to find private info. Therein is the boundary, not googling them. The boundary is crossed when you attempt to go behind someone's back and gain private info. I've said it before: If you want someone's info, home address, mortgage info, photos of them, their spouses, their kids...you are making them more than what they are.

Anyways...I know the social norm, and respect people's boundaries. I am learning to enforce my own boundaries as well. If I want info about someone I ask them face to face for it, I don't sneak around behind their back.

[stopdog]

I don't care if someone googles me. It is not a universal boundary. I have no problem at all with anyone searching around for info on me if that is how they want to spend their time. If you don't want to look someone up, then that is fine too. I just don't see this as an absolute by any stretch.

[Moodswing]

Who says what the boundaries are? Is looking up the therapist name and family members names crossing boundaries?

[feralkittymom]

I think there's a tendency for those who feel tension or confusion about boundaries to seek absolute lines for clarity. But I don't think that's realistic for anyone. Boundaries are varied and fluid. They change according to situations, people, personal circumstances, and over time.

I first saw my T in a University counseling center environment. So his clients were University students--a population generally seen as developing young adults. He had a group photo of himself with his family rather prominently displayed. There were various knicknacks on his bookshelves. A rocking chair. It was clear that this environment was set up to make young adults away from home feel comfortable and present himself as a trustworthy parental figure.

I later saw him in his private practice. The office was completely different. No personal effects. A few pieces of African art, typical of 1970's decor. No indicators of his personal life. His clientele was adults and consults--very different from his University client base. I suspect I may have been the only client who saw him in both environments.

If I were to try to make assumptions about his boundaries from his environments, I would reach different conclusions. And there probably were minor differences, but I suspect most of them would be due more to the differences in an agency vs private practice setting. Most of the differences would be in relation to the issues the client would present, rather than over-riding differences. So a behavior that would be a boundary crossing for one person would not be considered a crossing for a different person.

Originally Posted by Moodswing

Who says what the boundaries are? Is looking up the therapist name and family members names crossing boundaries?

My ex-T said no...he thought it was a very normal thing for clients to do and said most Ts expect this.
IMO, other Ts might feel differently.
All Ts do not see boundaries the same...they decide for themselves what they need to have as their own personal/professional boundaries. Like for example, some Ts hug and others will not ever, etc.

[tinyrabbit]

I don't think I have crossed boundaries. I have googled my T and have told him this. He didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Contacting him isn't a boundary crossing because he doesn't treat it like one, he is simply clear on his own limitations eg he doesn't have time to read loads of emails or write lengthy replies. He takes care of his own personal boundaries just fine.

I have been crossing one boundary in my sessions, though: I keep stalling and not wanting to leave, so I end up staying just a few minutes extra. Thing is, I know I need to go. I'll be the one pointing out that the time is up, then somehow engineering it so I stay for a couple of extra minutes. My T isn't pushing the issue too harshly, but he is starting to wrap things up a little earlier.

I haven't crossed any boundaries. T once pointed out how I don't push against her 'rules'. In fact she relaxes them because I don't push. I don't see any point in pushing. If a session is 50mins then what's the point of pushing that? It's never going to change. She's not going to say 'ok as you've sulked so much we'll make each session an hour. But then what happens when the hour isn't enough? Nah, not my ting.

Yes I've found out a few things about her by googling. But nowt that changes anything.

I save by boundary crossing for society as a whole.

[Miswimmy1]

whenever I feel like i am doing something that is bumping a boundary, i feel extremely guilty... so I try not to. But i've done similar things to you in the past, and i'm not happy about it, but it somehow gives me comfort.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I haven't crossed any boundaries. T once pointed out how I don't push against her 'rules'. In fact she relaxes them because I don't push. I don't see any point in pushing. If a session is 50mins then what's the point of pushing that? It's never going to change. She's not going to say 'ok as you've sulked so much we'll make each session an hour. But then what happens when the hour isn't enough? Nah, not my ting.

Yes I've found out a few things about her by googling. But nowt that changes anything.

I save by boundary crossing for society as a whole.

Oh i so know that this is true..but i don't seem to be able to help myself sometimes!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I'm not aware that I have bumped up against any of his boundaries. He is extremely consistent with and models healthy boundaries, and I'm pretty good with respecting boundaries when it comes to the people I interact with. I ask for what I need, and he is pretty predictable in his responses so I just haven't run into that problem.

I am not aware, either, of crossing boundaries. I did, at one point, recently, when looking up my primary care doctors phone number to his office, discovered that all my doctors ages were out there, online. That's about as far, as I have gone via internet or real life for that matter.