Abandonment Issues

CantExplain · 07:10 PM

I've decided that the way to make progress is to put the touchy-feely stuff on hold and use my awesome powers of analysis.

So I have made a list of Madame T's crimes and my reactions to them.

My feelings have been "abandoned", "betrayed", cheated", "rejected" and "trapped". All except "trapped" are clearly part of the abandonment spectrum.

Madame T was constantly triggering my abandonment issues but after nearly ten years she's still done nothing to resolve them.

The plan now is to take this list to Mr T and see what he can suggest.

CantExplain · Jun 16, 2013 at 07:04 PM

Difficulty in Working on Abandonment

Maybe it’s not all Madame T’s fault. We did talk about this. The problem is, that most of the time I’m with her I don’t feel abandoned, so we can’t work on abandonment then. And when I do feel abandoned, it’s so painful it leads to a rupture and I leave. We can’t work on it then, either.

Still, I feel Madame T should know about this difficulty and have a plan to deal with it. Clearly she doesn’t.

Mapleton · Jun 16, 2013 at 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Difficulty in Working on Abandonment

Maybe it’s not all Madame T’s fault. We did talk about this. The problem is, that most of the time I’m with her I don’t feel abandoned, so we can’t work on abandonment then. And when I do feel abandoned, it’s so painful it leads to a rupture and I leave. We can’t work on it then, either.

Still, I feel Madame T should know about this difficulty and have a plan to deal with it. Clearly she doesn’t.

I think that not every T is as capable, perhaps, as they should be. Getting attached to someone doesn't guarantee their competence in all areas.

CantExplain · Jun 16, 2013 at 07:06 PM

I can see Madame T rolling her eyes over this. "You always expect me to have all the answers!"

stopdog · Jun 16, 2013 at 07:10 PM

Well, they are getting paid to know something different than you already know, so expecting them to have some idea about what is going on does not seem excessively unrealistic.
On the other hand, for me, I don't expect a therapist to have answers about me. If she tries to give me answers about me, and usually such from her is unbidden by me, she is usually quite wrong. I expect her to have ideas about the sorts of things that I sought a therapist for and she can speak about them in general and I will go off and see, after pondering her information, if it was useful information or not.

CantExplain · Jun 16, 2013 at 07:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapleton

I think that not every T is as capable, perhaps, as they should be. Getting attached to someone doesn't guarantee their competence in all areas.

Alas, true!

ultramar · Jun 16, 2013 at 07:35 PM

but after nearly ten years she's still done nothing to resolve them.

"She?" Just flipping this around here, but these things do need to be resolved together, no therapist can resolve this for you (though maybe this is just a question of semantics).

So if your perception is that you're being abandoned, then that needs to be brought up with the therapist -ideally in the moment-, your perception/emotional reaction can be checked against the therapist's take on what happened, and so on. If these 'check-ins' about your fears don't happen, then I can see how things could spiral, but it is up to you to talk about it before coming to a definitive conclusion, to give it a chance to be worked out; she can't do that for you.

Did this kind of communication about these feelings in the moment (or soon after) not happen in your therapy? Because someone has 'triggered' your abandonment fears, doesn't mean they 'caused' them per se. Was this not talked about?

Maybe she wasn't the person to best help you to resolve this -hopefully the current therapist is.

CantExplain · Jun 16, 2013 at 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ultramar

but after nearly ten years she's still done nothing to resolve them.

"She?" Just flipping this around here, but these things do need to be resolved together, no therapist can resolve this for you (though maybe this is just a question of semantics).

So if your perception is that you're being abandoned, then that needs to be brought up with the therapist -ideally in the moment-, your perception/emotional reaction can be checked against the therapist's take on what happened, and so on. If these 'check-ins' about your fears don't happen, then I can see how things could spiral, but it is up to you to talk about it before coming to a definitive conclusion, to give it a chance to be worked out; she can't do that for you.

Did this kind of communication about these feelings in the moment (or soon after) not happen in your therapy? Because someone has 'triggered' your abandonment fears, doesn't mean they 'caused' them per se. Was this not talked about?

Maybe she wasn't the person to best help you to resolve this -hopefully the current therapist is.

This post annoys me.
If I could solve this stuff by myself, I wouldn't be in therapy.
I think it is fair to expect the therapist to have some kind of specialist skills.

feralkittymom · Jun 16, 2013 at 08:05 PM

Not sure that framing your experience through such charged language as "crimes" is the best way to move forward.

Jungatheart · Jun 17, 2013 at 01:17 AM

I'd want to do exactly what you are looking to do. But it sounds like you already have a gut feeling of how she will respond. I understand wishing she'd respond differently (at all?), but to quote another...."you can't bleed a stone". She might not give you what you are looking for and that might cause you more pain - not the healing you are looking for. From the little I know about your old T, I'd say what you are looking for will only come from within.
Take care.

Jun 17, 2013 at 01:47 AM

CE, this Madame t, has a lot of explaining to do. This is what annoys me about therapist, not all just some. My t1 always said too, I feel like you need answers and you want me to give them to you. I did but she could t because she did not have adequate training and therefore messed me up so much I left her feeling worse than when I started.
Maybe you will find Madame t does not have enough traing in the abandonment area?

I went back and read my ts areas expertise recently online and it said PTSD, I was having a frigging breakdown, a nervous breakdown and I said to her I think I am having a breakdown and she said go to your doctor.
My hands were shaking so much because I was in shock over my partners affair
... Sorry for rant but ts don't know everything!

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CantExplain Big Poppa Member Since Oct 2011 Location: New Zealand Posts: 19,616 (SuperPoster!) 12 19.7k hugs given	Jun 16, 2013 at 07:06 PM #4 I can see Madame T rolling her eyes over this. "You always expect me to have all the answers!" __________________ Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby!
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feralkittymom Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2012 Location: yada Posts: 4,415 11 1,974 hugs given	Jun 16, 2013 at 08:05 PM #9 Not sure that framing your experience through such charged language as "crimes" is the best way to move forward.
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