Was this inappropriate?

Today I sent my T an email to confirm our appt tomorrow as it will be 3 weeks since I saw her. Since my appt is at 5 pm, I offered to bring her coffee, tea, chocolate, protein bar.

I dont know if she drinks coffee or tea as she never did in any of our sessions. She mentioned she loves chocolate and on a few occasions when she didn't have time for lunch she ate a protein bar during my session.

She immediately responded confirming our appt tomorrow. She did not answer if I can bring her anything. I immediately sent her another email back saying you didn't answer if I can bring you something. That was 3 hours ago. No response.

I'll discuss this with her tomorrow but is it inappropriate for me to offer to bring her coffee, tea, etc? Thanks!

I was bringing a candy bar myself to my last appointment, because I felt it might reduce a little stress by giving myself a treat, so I brought one for T to share too.

She accepted it with grace, and obviously enjoyed it.

I think a small food gesture is pretty appropriate... but maybe bring for you AND for her?

I agree with Mapleton.

My T suggests I bring food for myself in sessions and could eat together.

My T is quite liberal with gifts, however some T's (especially in clinics/NHS) have a strict gifts code.

I hope your session shines some answers

I don't know if it's inappropriate or not, but I think it's unnecessary. Your T probably eats before or after 5 p.m., depending on her schedule. My T sees people back to back, and she often eats candy or something during my appointment. She always apologizes or asks me if it's all right, first. She's skinny, so I say "of course it's all right"! She has candy in the office, so sometimes we both take some. I've brought her some of my home-made cookies too, which she loves.

So the idea of bringing food for your T is appropriate, but in my opinion, assuming that she won't have time to eat dinner, or won't provide it herself, is overthinking it a little. I wouldn't bring coffee or tea; does her office have a kitchen? My T's does, and she offers me tea sometimes.

I don't think it's a big deal, and your T will probably say she appreciates the gesture, and will probably accept whatever you bring her, but I don't think it's necessary. It's her decision whether it's inappropriate or not. Since she loves chocolate, you can bring her some, but maybe on a different occasion, like a holiday? Again, Ts are usually gracious about what we bring them, especially if it's food!!

you should ask her what her gift giving codes are. Some ts are very strict.

if you are going to bring things, i would either bring enough for both of u and eat together. if you bring just for her, she will most likely put is aside to have later. so i would be prepared if thats the case.

It is a nice gesture but many Ts will not accept anything from their client. It all depends on the T. Since your T did not respond to your offer I suspect that she has some boundaries in this area. I offered my T a cough drop because he was having a coughing fit and he wouldn't take it.

No, she takes gifts. I give her a Christmas gift every year. My appt is usually at 2 pm, this is the first time in 3 years that's its 5 PM, that's why I thought I'll bring her something.

She didn't reply. I will not bring her anything. Her lost. I guess I can't be nice.

My t is out of the country right now, but when she still had an office here, i used to always stop on the way to my sessions and pick us both up some drinks or ice cream or candy bars. She loved it. She used to bring boxes of cookies or buy me a drink out of the machine in the office or make us some tea. Treats like that are just a nice thing to do for each other.

I don't think it's a matter of not being allowed to be nice; it can be easy to interpret this as a rejection but I highly doubt that this is her intention.

I suspect that since she did not answer that part of your e-mail, she does not want you to buy food and drinks for her and perhaps she did not answer because she thinks it's best discussed in therapy. She has a right to set up this boundary for herself (as you do, to set your own boundaries) and it is a boundary, not a rejection. I think the best thing you can do is respect it. Though I think it's important to have a conversation when you see her about this, how it has made you feel and about her policies/boundaries surrounding such issues; I think it could lead to exploration of important issues and perhaps ultimately deepen the relationship.

I don't think it was inappropriate at all for you to offer. In fact, I think it was sweet. It shows that you care about her as a person.

I think another part of caring about someone is respecting any personal (or professional, in this case) boundaries that they might have. One of the things I have learned in therapy, and that I am trying to apply to the rest of my life, is that it is important for me to act in ways that I want to and that make me feel good, but I also need to let other people react the way they need to, and not put any pressure/expectations on them to act a certain way. For example, last session I brought my T a birthday card for her daughter (she had told me the previous week that it was her daughter's birthday.) I just felt an urge to do it, so I did; that's just the kind of person I am. However, I understood that it may have been inappropriate depending on her boundaries, so I prepared myself for the fact that she may not have wanted to take it.

I think therapy is all about exploring boundaries and learning how to interact with people. I think it was really nice of your offer to bring your T something, and I think one great thing to consider from this is that even if we are nice, sometimes, for whatever reason, people don't react to our kindness the way we want, but that doesn't mean it was wrong or bad to be kind.

(Sorry for the long and probably confusing answer...been one of those days! )

Hi Yobeth. It was nice of you to offer, so you are capable and can be nice.

You stated that it's been three weeks since you saw T and your next appt time is different. Maybe your T is wondering why now. My T in my case would be asking me why I felt I wanted to do something out of the ordinary after three years of never doing that.

in some mental health agencies it is against the rules for a therapist to accept gifts/gratuity/ items/food/beverages from their clients...

here at the crisis center where I work this is the case due to the fact that we could end up placed in danger should a client tamper with the foods or drinks before handing it over to us. its very easy to lace food and drinks with drugs/alcohol/ razors and other harmful /not meant for consumption objects in food and beverages.

here it can also been thought of as the client trying to bribe/kiss up to...what ever their therapists...

and can also lead to things like the client misunderstanding the therapist trying to be nice vs my therapist likes /loves me romantic notions that may not be valid/true.

that said

you stated she's never drank tea or coffee during your sessions and she did eat a protein bar in your sessions when she missed lunch...so Im guessing she doesnt want to drink tea or coffee during your sessions..and that if she did want to eat or drink a beverage during your sessions she would do so..

my point is dont worry about trying to take care of your therapists lunch/dinner / snack and beverage needs. if thinks she needs to pack a beverage/snack/dinner she would do so.

as for her not replying..well that may be like where I work...when a client offers to bring/give us things our work rules say not to answer that on the phone or by message..to address the issue face to face in session so that the client understands we are not allowed to accept gifts/gratuities/food or drinks from them and why.

my own therapist is in private practice and she rarely accepts food/beverages from her clients....she keeps a well stocked mini fridge and cupboard and a never ending pot of coffee going for those times when she and her clients would like something to drink or eat.

funny this just happened tonight .... I said I was going to go to kitchen and get a glass of water, and noticing her glass was empty, I offered to fill it for her. She declined so quickly and got up to walk with me that I wondered if it was a boundary thing for her.

But I think that your offering was very kind and shows you do not think only of yourself.

I think it was kind. I'm guessing she probably felt bad encouraging it and just didn't answer to leave it up to you. In the 1.5 years I've been seeing T, I brought her a very tiny cake from a bakery, a Chrustmas cookie I decorated, and, several weeks ago, I brought her a frozen strawberry lemonade. So, that is a rate of one item every six months. She happily accepted these items. If I tried to bring her something every week, I'm sure she'd say something. However, I think occasionally is totally appropriate.

If I were you, I'd just bring her something just in case anyway. I think that was very kind of you.

I think you were nice to even care and inquire in the first place.

i don't know how the rules are where you live (some states have different views on counseling and what counselors can do)

therapists where i am from are not suppose to accept things from patients. some have boundry issues with that.
it sounded very thoughtful she may not be allowed to answer you according to the powers that be.

I think it was such a thoughtful idea! Maybe she didn't respond because it's one thing to accept a gift being offered in the moment, but another thing to say that you can bring her something before you have bought it. Perhaps that dynamic felt a bit too friend-like to her? That's not to say that what you asked was inappropriate. I think it was very considerate of you.

I was struck by you sending a separate email, a second asking, if you could bring her something. If I asked someone a casual question like, "Can I bring you anything?" as part of a larger email and she responded to the other, "business" part of the email, I would not have issued a second email, asking again. I don't think it was inappropriate, but it might be viewed as a bit strange/excessive?

It sounds like you want to bring something more than she cares whether she is brought something; the issue is more "important" to you than to her (or she would have addressed it) and, as you are offering to another person, pressing for what you want instead of what the person displays as wanting (doesn't care enough to hear/respond) could be perceived by some as forcing yourself on the other person.

That it upsets you enough for you to do a "sour grapes" of "not getting anything/her loss" would, if it were me responding that way, leave me curious as to why I'm feeling this much all by myself (since your T never responded). I don't think it is about your T and what she might like (to be brought something or whether she likes/will respond to you), it's about you?

Update: I saw T today. She has her own practice so she doesn't need to abide by some company's rules.

While I was in the waiting room (no one was around), she thank me for offering to bring her something she said but she's fine. When we got into her office she showed me she had a plastic bottle with some drink in it.

She quickly changed the subject so I never got to ask her why she didn't reply to my email. No biggie.

She always says ur learn from experiences so I just know not to offer her anything again. It is just nice to hear on this forum others drink coffee with their T while in session. Thanks for all your replies!