Writting Suicide Letters to T

Its not normal I suppose, that I write frequent letters about suicide to my T. She doesn't know I do it, because I usually end up erasing the letters after I write them. I don't know why I feel the need to write to my T about killing myself, but I think it helps me.

After my family contacted me on monday - gosh now its Friday but it seems like forever ago! - I was ready to give up. When I saw my t yesterday, I even told him I felt like saying okay you guys win. But then I started saying it like clint Eastwood - go ahead, call me, make my day. By the end of the session, as he walked me out, he said if I started feeling that bad again this weekend that I could call him. Then on my way out of the building I saw the little girl client with her little dog and she said hi to me, and I felt like at least somebody appreciates who I really am and that i like their dog. So I think you do have a purpose.

If I were you GenCat, I would feel comforted at seeing that the pattern/habit/whatever of writing suicide letters to T helped me feel better. I'd be a little curious too, to understand why that was so. For me, it would help me feel "contained" better, safer.

I've actually done this,so you are NOT I repeat NOT alone. I write them all the time. I write when I'm suicidal or depressed. I never send them to her,just write them then either erase them or send them to myself in an email. I think it makes it feel like I'm okay,even if T is not physically there,I still feel like I'm reaching out and getting what I feel out to the one person who knows me best besides me.

If it works for you,I say continue it. You'll never know what you'll find out about yourself if you don't try something different

I write short murder mysteries and usually a therapist is the victim. I don't send them to her. I think that writing sui and so forth can be a better plan than acting on it and as long as it is not hurting anyone why not do it if it is useful.

How do you find it to be helpful?

I don't know that it's not normal. I haven't actually committed one addressed to my T to paper, but I've composed them in my head before. They can be kind of organizing for me, and help me to better understand some of the core dynamics at play behind my on again off again suicide wish.

I've never written one addressed to anyone. I've written one like a creative writing piece but I've never had a desire to write a suicide note without having some sort of pre-existing suicidal thoughts. Writing them only exasperates my state of mind though because I start thinking about it more.

I've written pages and pages of mail to Madame T in my head.

It makes perfect sense. I think there's an explanation in neurological science. We use different neural pathways when we talk to ourselves vs. talking to someone else. That's why sometimes we answer our own question when we try to explain something to someone else for help in finding an answer. I imagine we use different pathways depending on who we are talking to, but not sure about that. I've been told I write very engaging letters to friends. I HATE writing in my diary - its boring and tedious and I don't get much out of it. It's neurology.

I did not know this, Syra! Thank you - that's so interesting. I have to learn more about this.

GenCat, I am with those who say that if you find it helps you, it is good. Take care of yourself. And make sure that you also talk to your T about your thoughts.

I do not journal well. I find it so boring. But I do write stories and letters and plays which seem to help me.