[Leah123]

I communicate often with my online therapist. We have two scheduled sessions a week, but sometimes communicate almost daily for special issues through paid email sessions or impromptu chat sessions online as well.

The primary issues I'm working on are improving my parenting, partly by working through day to day issues and partly by working through post traumatic stress disorder, resulting from childhood abuse and neglect. I am making a lot of progress and I believe that my therapist enjoys working with me and that we have a fairly solid, intense, therapeutic relationship. I've been seeing her about 5 months now.

However, I feel more self-conscious lately, not sure why, and I am really worried that I'm telling her too much. I'm a writer and it's easy for me to write long essays about my process and things going on in my life. Last night, gosh, I wrote her almost 1400 words, which is like, well, to give you context, this post is going to be about 250 words.

She tells me she does not mind. She tells me I won't be "too much" for her and that if I am, she will let me know, and we'll work through it. When I ask her if she's tired of me or all the work, she says "not at all" that she cares for me and we are okay. And of course, I do pay pretty her well for all her time, for each email session.

Do you all think I should give up on worrying about this, or give up on writing so much? This week, I've been in a crisis, so... that might be relevant.

[Perna]

Yes, I would give up worrying about it. You are a writer and learn a great deal of what you learn from your writing! I have been writing and responding here on these forums or those like them for 12+ years and would credit doing so with perhaps a third of my education and personal progress during that time.

[mixedup_emotions]

It seems as though your T has provided you with some reassurance that you are not "too much". I'd imagine it would be worthwhile to talk to your T about these feelings some more, as it may lead to some more discoveries about what's driving those fears, your inability to trust in your T's reassurance, etc.

[ECHOES]

She tells me she does not mind. She tells me I won't be "too much" for her and that if I am, she will let me know, and we'll work through it.

Trust her that she will be truthful and that she can take care of her needs. My T also has told me this, and it was hard to trust because I would think "Oh that was too much and she's going to say something about it" and then I'd be a nervous wreck going into the next session. And it was always fine. So after a few of those, I was more trusting.

I think especially because you are working on parenting issues, and so many things can come up every day, that the frequent communication is understandably very important.

She sounds like a wonderful T and I'm glad for you!

[tinyrabbit]

I think you should believe your T. I also think that's very difficult, and not something you can just suddenly decide to do, but something to work towards gradually.

For what it's worth, I'm a writer and have sometimes brought my T 1,000-2,000 words to read in sessions.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I communicate often with my online therapist. We have two scheduled sessions a week, but sometimes communicate almost daily for special issues through paid email sessions or impromptu chat sessions online as well.

The primary issues I'm working on are improving my parenting, partly by working through day to day issues and partly by working through post traumatic stress disorder, resulting from childhood abuse and neglect. I am making a lot of progress and I believe that my therapist enjoys working with me and that we have a fairly solid, intense, therapeutic relationship. I've been seeing her about 5 months now.

However, I feel more self-conscious lately, not sure why, and I am really worried that I'm telling her too much. I'm a writer and it's easy for me to write long essays about my process and things going on in my life. Last night, gosh, I wrote her almost 1400 words, which is like, well, to give you context, this post is going to be about 250 words.

She tells me she does not mind. She tells me I won't be "too much" for her and that if I am, she will let me know, and we'll work through it. When I ask her if she's tired of me or all the work, she says "not at all" that she cares for me and we are okay. And of course, I do pay pretty her well for all her time, for each email session.

Do you all think I should give up on worrying about this, or give up on writing so much? This week, I've been in a crisis, so... that might be relevant.

1400 words is only six posts.

[Leah123]

I sent her another long email series today, sigh. I'm going back and forth between dissociated, sad, defensive and overwhelmed. It's been an overwhelming couple of weeks as far as managing my stress levels. Had bad house guests, trauma work, terrible sleep for this last couple weeks, and then a hit and run car accident I was the victim of last week. I'm usually extremely self-reliant. Been managing a lot the last many years, part of starting therapy was so I'd have someone to trust to confide in and help me manage everything better, to feel clearer and supported.

But I feel like I'm wanting too much from her, sigh. Don't know if I should just rely on myself. Somehow, I feel so alone and muddled. I hate feeling muddled. It's from being tired and overwhelmed. I keep thinking I should wait to talk to her until I'm all settled and self-assured again, stick to a schedule... I don't like people to see me messy, long-winded, struggling with too much, sigh.

I wonder.... maybe I can just have compassion for myself? Give myself permission to reach out when I feel like it, believe that if I want support and help, that's a good enough reason to try and get it.... I already proved I could manage alone. I was a pretty good mother, employee, wife, volunteer, etc. but... I was constantly stressed out and bothered by things I didn't quite know how to handle or put in perspective. It's not so bad to want a lot of help when I'm overwhelmed, is it.... to want to get all the thoughts out of my head and have someone hear me out and help me???

[Favorite Jeans]

. I don't like people to see me messy, long-winded, struggling with too much, sigh.

As I understand it, that's kind of the essence of therapy...

[CantExplain]

((Leah))

[Leah123]

Thanks so much everyone for helping me with good insight and empathy.

I told my therapist how upset I felt last night, that I was hoping for a hug and felt terrible for asking. I heard back from my sweet therapist this morning, she wrote:

"Good morning, XXXX, no need to apologize or be embarrassed. I send you a big virtual hug! When you ask me directly, I will be happy to send you one. Chat with you later, XXXX"
I feel relieved and... overwhelmed and happy at the same time. I've really been struggling, and it helps to know she's really there for me and caring. I had a much lighter session today, my life has been nearly too intense to manage, so we're trying to step back a little bit and give me some space to recuperate and be gentle with myself. Yea!!!