I need my T and that scares me

Sorry that I've been posting a lot recently. I've just been absolutely falling apart. This could also be triggering btw.

I desperately need my T. I see my T through my college. It's summer vacation and I haven't been able to see her since early May. Part of the school rules is absolutely no contact. Since May, I've been having more issues with SH and I've been slowing losing my will to live (I should mention that for me there is a big difference between wanting to sui and not wanting to be alive). I desperately needed to talk to her weeks ago. Admitting that makes me cringe because I know she doesn't need me back and she could just leave me. I intellectually know that she wouldn't ever just abandon me, but doesn't make my worries stop. I know it's unreasonable for me to think this because of the nature of my school's rules, but sometimes I get upset because it feels like she's not here for me when I need her. I know that's outside of her control and I know she wants to be here for me but again, that doesn't really change how I feel about it at 2am.

I also feel like she's really out of the loop. She doesn't know any of this. Well, she knows about SH but not about the increase and change in it. I also have never been able to tell her that she means anything to me. She tries to get me to talk about my feelings for her, but I've never been able to tell her anything beyond complimenting her shoes. I have just this enormous list of things I need to tell her and I'm scared about overwhelming her in our first session in September.

I don't think therapists get overwhelmed by what clients tell them. It is scary to clients, but I don't think a client needs to worry about the therapist.

Oh my goodness, I am sorry you are struggling so. I don't know how I would manage without my T for as long as you are. I believe firmly that being attached is a sign of good therapy, that the therapy has healing potential because the relationship includes some care and trust and dependency. I do not know what to advise you except to please keep posting as much as you need to, and see if your school can provide some sort of referral or backup plan, seeing as asking you to go without your therapist for probably nearly three months is terribly rough!

Warm wishes to you, I hope you find all the support you need in the meantime.

Thanks. My school can't provide any referrals because I'm on the other side of the country. I also couldn't get help because my parents are extremely unsupportive. They mock me for being hospitalized for sui ideation almost two years ago. I'd have no way to pay for it or get to sessions.

Any way to see what services are free in your area?? If it is really bad, going to the ER might spur someone to help you find help.

I see you are in a city I used to live in--as you know, a very medically rich environment. Ever tried reaching out to MRC or MassGeneral hospital Patient & Family Resources - Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, MA

MA is very friendly in terms of easier access services

Ha, I have trouble identifying where I am from. I go to school and live in Boston throughout the school year. It feels more like home then Detroit. I hate hate HATE saying I'm from Detroit or calling the place I grew up my "hometown". I put Boston as my location because I am usually there and I like to see it.

There is no public transportation system in metro Detroit. At least not where I am. I don't know of any free ones. I really miss the T and the amazing facilities there. It would make my life 1099x easier to be there right now.

[EDIT] I did get hospitalized in Boston two years ago. It was one of the most scary things I've ever gone through. Plus I'm on my parents' insurance. They'd find out and kill me

Hey where you at?? Im in ann arbor, hop on a train or bus and come see me! Its art fair this week, so of course its gonna be the hottest stormiest week of the year. Or come next week when it cools off and all the little shops buy all the stuff from the art fair and you can look at it in air conditioning! But if you come during art fair we can get air brush tattoos and look tough for a week.

And this is where it gets even more complicated... I'm actually in Greensboro, NC. I escaped my house and I'll be here until I hopefully go a friend's house in NYC for a while and then I'll be hiding in the basement pretending I don't exist and packing for school. The worst part of the summer is over and knowing that has been helping actually a lot. I actually managed to stop SHing completely almost a month ago because I'm scared of getting caught and sent back.

Sorry, I shouldn't have assumed where you are from. One of my closest friends is from Detroit and I get it now, the lack of services and public transport. Know all about it.

Still, an ER might be better than nothing? I was hospitalized back in the day and I don't blame you, it's freakin scary. I am hoping things have changed

So you're basically underground railroading your way back to school! I hope you at least get good paper material to write on how I spent my summer vacation.

No problem. I did write Boston and it was very kind of you to offer area specific advice.

Nope. No ER. Nope. Nope. Nope. Never an ER for psych issues. That was horrible and not fun and I am not sure if I'd rather be in the ER or dead. Being locked in a room triggers me like you wouldn't believe. Plus my mom is a doctor so that was just a whole new layer of triggering things (she's my principal abuser). I can't handle not being legally allowed to control if I can walk outside or not. Too much like my childhood. So no way would I go back there especially because I know that facility is apparently considered actually pretty nice. Don't want to figure out what a different one is like.

I spent my summer vacation avoiding my family and counting down the days until I go home (school is my home). 47 days. Much better than the original 115.

I'm sorry you're struggling right now xx