[Dezdemona]

I need outside advice. I have a crush on my therapist.
I have talked to her about it, a bit. It's just awkward and embarrassing. The thing is, I'm not sure exactly what I feel. I know that I admire her. I'm not really sure what else to say here, but I'm sure some of you can relate. What do you do in this situation?

[Hopefull]

I have no idea. It isn't an unusual thing to develop a crush on the one who fulfills some of your psychological needs. I suspect T can help you with it. He/she has had it happen before with other clients. Otherwise, you can consider getting a different T. I wouldn't suggest trying to work through it yourself because I think therapy will be more productive if you two work on it together. I hope you manage to find a way to work through it with your T.

i understand. i often wish my T cared for me more. not like in a romantic way, but sorta like a little sister.

yea sometimes developing an attachment with the therapist that includes romantic feelings and ideas sure can mess things up. This is in part one of the reasons I choose therapists of the same gender that I am. So that I am not sitting across from a guy that I think is cute and so on and end up in this very situation. (not to mention its hard in general for me to talk to a male guy about being raped by a guy. and then lop on top that here I am sitting in a room alone with a cute guy talking about sexual issues. yeeeaa been there done that not putting myself into that situation again LOL)

What I did about it was told the guy -

Um this is going to sound weird but I am romantically attracted to you so lets put in for a new FEMALE therapist please.

The guy laughed and said he gets this situation many times but I was the only one that recognized it and did the right thing by asking for a new therapist. and He ended the session and he handed in my file for reassignment.

Some people can handle recognizing the situation and discussing it with the therapist so that the situation of "attachments during therapy" does not interfere with the therapy process but there was no way I could concentrate so I knew right away talking it out with him including his telling me the agency rules and state mental health guidelines around dual relationships was not the way for me to go. the only right way for me was to get a new therapist.

My advice talk to your therapist and let her know you have grown so attached that you now have a romantic interenst as in a crush on her. that way you two can take care of the situation and look at your options and which options the two of you would like to use in this situation. otherwise if it isn't taken care of right now it can and most likely will interfere with your therapy process and in that case you may not have the choice of staying with her as a client. she may see the problem as your not willing to trust her or any number of other problems for which she may thing closing with her is the best option.

Right now you have the chance to take care of the situation between you and your therapist. my advice use it to your advantage by talking it out with her and in the end doing what YOU want about the situation instead of having that choice taken away from you because of her misunderstanding what is going on because you dont tell her.

Good luck in what ever you decide to do.
Hang in there

[enigma17]

You may very well have a romantic and/or sexual interest in your therapist. But more often I think we develop these (non-sexual) "crushes" on our therapists, irrespective of our gender, our counselors', or anyone's sexual preference. It makes a lot of sense if you dissect it. Most of us end up in therapy because we have trust issues relative to sexual or physical abuse, emotional abandonment or what have you. And either we do not feel safe talking to friends or loved ones, or we're worried we're imposing or that our friends will tire of hearing us complain. So we seek out an individual with whom we feel "safe", someone who is paid NOT to get bored. That safety and interest that is shown us by our therapists can then resemble love, attraction, even mutual affection.

If you've developed a rapport with your therapist, asking her about that phenomenon may be the perfect way to clear the air and allow you to continue to work together. If you think you cannot overcome your romantic interests, then you should ask about a referral, but do not be ashamed of your feelings. It is natural to have warm and/or confusing thoughts about someone who spends an uninterrupted 50 minutes caring only about you.

[9874]

Sounds like a "positive transference" to me.....Sorry I don't have any practical advice, as I only seek out a T of the same gender. And with my same-gender T I've definitely felt the romantic feelings. I explored them, dissected them, and laid them to rest.

Attachement is how much you like a person - you can be attached to someone you like or care about in many ways.

Examples -
I like my friends
I love my child
I love my significant other when I have one
I like my therapist

Transference is moving something from one place to another. Examples -

moving a lamp from a table to a stand - in therapy terms problem its dark need lamp solution move lamp closer.

moving food from the stove to the table - problem food too far awaysolution move it to table to be eaten

moving from one therapist to a new therapist

taking a problem from inside you and saying or telling the therapist what that problem is and working on solutions for that problem

[Rapunzel]

Another way to look at attachment (from a developmental perspective, which also applies very much to therapeutic relationships) is that attachment is the deep emotional bond that develops between a child (client) and a caretaker. In order to form secure attachments conditions have to be met on both sides. The child has to be able to communicate a need, the caretaker must be able to understand and respond to the communication, and the child must be able to be soothed by the response. If these conditions are not met, then attachment will be insecure.

Transference is about taking something from one place or setting and moving it to another one. In therapy from some orientations it is assumed that any feelings for the therapist are transference because something about the interaction with the therapist is similar to an interaction you have had someplace else, so with the therapist you replay it and can work through the feelings and learn about them and use them to understand yourself.

So having a crush on your therapist could have to do with attachment and transference, and one of the more productive ways to handle that situation is to explore those possibilities with your therapist and see if together you can identify the feelings and how they might relate to your life outside of therapy.

The way a therapist explained the difference to me was that if the client was feeling like the therapist was acting like for example their abuser -

therapist is trying to explain to the client that a certain behavior is not appropiate and the client takes that as being yelled at because in the past whenever anyone pointed out something that person had done wrong they yelled at them.

So the client is transferring - they believe their therapist is acting just like thair abuser so they say to the therapist - "You're just like so and so!"

The client is angry about getting yelled at in the past and is taking it out on the therapist instead of their abuser.

They have transferred their anger for their abuser out of themselves and into their therapist and now the therapist can help them to take care of the situation.

in order for love of a therapist to be transference the client would have to believe the therapist is in love with them even though the therapist has not returned or showed romantic interest -

Therapist - "you did a good job today keep up the good work"

Client with a crush on therapist -
"my therapist loves me"
"my therapist wants me to go on a date with him"

The client is placing how SHE the client feels about the therapist into the therapist even though the therapist does NOT feel that way.

Client with attachment -
I like my therapist
I want to go out on a date with my therapist.

Attachments are clients using "I" statements where as transferrence is client saying statements from the therapist point of view.

My therapist loves...
My therapist wants to go...

The first post is from th client point of view using I statements with the words - I like, I admire, I have a crush...

the post isnt saying - My therapist likes, My theraist admires, My therapist has a crush -- when it is the client that likes, admires and has the crush. So this is an attachment issue not transference issue.

In attachment issues the therapist and client can talk about it, put up safety protocals or change of therapist

where as in Transference issues besides what is done for attachment the therapist also has to get the client to understand that they the therapist does NOT feel the way in which the client is seeing them, That the therapist does not have a romantic interest and get the client to understand that it is the client that has the crush not the therapist.