Different views of a memory

Okay, this has been bugging me for a while, and I wanted to get some other thoughts on it. I know I should bring it back up with T, and maybe I will next week, if we get through the other stuff that I tabled this week.

A couple of sessions ago, T asked me what I found comforting as a child and I shared a memory with her. I told her that when I was a kid, our dog was not allowed in my or my brother's bedroom. I don't remember why, she just wasn't and that was the rule. Dogs have always been comforting to me. I can remember being very upset as a child and going to my room to cry, or getting in trouble and being sent to my room. I would sit in my doorway and wait for our dog to walk past the hallway to my bedroom, and then call her to me. She would come and sit in the doorway to my room and I'd wrap my arms around her and cry in her fur or just sit there and pet her until I calmed down.

For me, that was a good memory...it was comforting, it was my tiny bit of rebellion (dog wasn't allowed in my room, but I could still be in my room and pet her if I sat in the doorway).

T looked and me and said that she found it heartbreaking. She said that I was trying so hard to follow the rules and still get the comfort I needed and it was very sad. I'd never considered that memory sad until T said that. Now, I can see how it might look heartbreaking, and now I cry when I think of that memory. I'm kind of mad at T for changing my view of that memory!

Anyone else had something like that happen? Where T views a memory of yours in a completely different light than you do?

Mine wasn't a particular memory just I had one perception of my childhood and xT had another...I didn't like the term he used

Yes, (possible trigger here)

I have a memory of when I was ill as a young kid and I KNOW my dad touched me inapropriately. T thinks I could have misinterpreted his actions. T doesn't "see evidence" that I was sexually abused.

Still hurt and angry and I feel like he doesn't believe me.The incident never happened again w.dad so I don't know how to make sense of it. I feel like I don't have anyone to make sense of it with me.

Not different views of a memory but different interpretation of my art which affected my perception of the memory which the art partially represented. I keep meaning to bring it up.

Often. Part of the way we protect ourselves as children is to accommodate our emotions to the circumstances we're in and can't control. Often it means minimizing the pain of the circumstances so that it just doesn't hurt so much and destroy our hope that everything's ok. It's a kind of denial that allows us to survive.

Of course, later in lfe those patterns get generalized and cause problems. T's see those events differently because they don't see them through our defenses. It doesn't mean they don't understand us, nor that they want us to feel worse--though that can be a short-term result. Though I would hope that the recasting of memories we thought were a comfort would be done gently, tentatively, and in a questioning sort of way so as to not rip our few comforts away from us.

I think it's far more problematic if a T seems to discount an abuse memory, especially without fully exploring it empathically first.

Yes. I think the way we view some memories is part of our defense system. I saw my stepmother's angry sarcasm as witty, or clever, or true rather than a failure for the two of us to join and communicate. Apparently I gave my stepmother a greeting, an opening, and was basically told to stuff it.

It has happened that the therapist had a different response to a memory than how I do. It did not change mine, I simply think the woman did not understand me or that I did not clearly convey what I was trying to.

Okay this is different than simply interpreting a memory differently than you do. If you have memories of being abused and your T insists that they probably didn't happen, that is EXTREMELY damaging. He can't just say he can't see any evidence for it. He wasn't there when it happened and abusers frequently come off as being charming and totally normal outside of the house. You have a right for your T to believe you when you say something horrible like that happened and having him not believe you makes what happened even more damaging to you. If my T didn't believe me when I told her about my past abuse, I can't imagine how much that would hurt me.

With the original memory, I think your T didn't so much change your view as unlock the emotions in the memory, if that makes sense?

I will echo the others here: this is not okay. I'm sorry your T has invalidated you like this.

This might be kinda related to the "pushing" thread. Your t offered an interpretation of the event that you weren't ready to face? So kinda bad on her for being so anxious to "share" her thoughts without considering their possible effect on you (this is why they don't - or shouldnt - say much - it's not for THEM to figure out stuff about our lives, it's for us to figure it out). So what do you think of that little girl now? I guess that you found it comforting should be enough. That your t found it heartbreaking is her bias. That I find it brilliant is mine

Thanks for all the feedback, everyone.

Hankster - I can kinda see how my t could view that as heartbreaking, and honestly, if I were an outsider, I might view it as very sad as well. I still find it comforting...dogs are comforting to me and that our family pet would come and sit in my doorway with me made me feel special and it did comfort me at the time. And, looking back, I agree, it is kinda brilliant!

I think the memory can be all those things, and I guess my T's view doesn't have to overwrite mine, it can just be incorporated in to a more adult view of the memory. I just needed some time and perspective to process my thoughts.