Ending it with my T.

I totally get this. I feel the same way about my exT. I won't go back. But it still haunts me even though I know it woudln't be good to go back. It's all so complicated.

I think it depends on what you might say, and who she is and how she might respond.

What do you think her response would be if she read what you had to say?

What kind of reacton would you want from her? Is she likely to give that response to you?

I wouldn't wait too much longer if you are looking for a session. After some time passes, it doesn't make sense to create an ending because the passage of time takes care of that. Your T may be less open to it after a lot of time has gone by.

It seems like you want to reconnect and even start up with her again despite the ineffectiveness of therapy. I hope that you can be very clear and upfront with her about your expectations. She has already demonstrated that she is not one to read between the lines or offer anything outside of what you ask. Using email to reach out to her may only make it worse. Do you need to give yourself a timeline to either call and make the appointment or decide that you received everything that you could during your time with her and it is time to close that chapter? I am concerned that you are missing out on an opportunity here.

Plausible, but I'm not sure I agree.

What opportunity am I missing out on. And cantexplain what don't you agree with?

What I disagree with, is the idea that the passage of time makes a terminal session irrelevant.

You could have titrated the sessions. Go every two weeks.

If I just walked out on my T it would haunt me as well. I have been going back and forth on this. Do I want my T to chase after me? Yeah I suppose I do. It would show that the work we did together meant something and that he felt I was not a lost cause.

To clarify, I believe that a termination session is highly relevant. In a few instances, other posters on this board and other boards have indicated that a termination session was not available to them. In part, T thought is was unnecessary due to the passage of time amongst other things.

In this situation, it sounds like things were just hanging but also had an element of termination. To suggest that you are not rescheduling suggests that you are not coming back. That is what I would infer if someone had said it to me.

Yeah thats true, I guess she assumes I'm not coming back but I just can't let go completely its weird. I still miss her even though the therapy with her is no longer effective. Can I at least email her? I don't know how I'm expecting her to respond though

I understand how hard it is. My T left me, rather than the other way around, and committed some ethical violations, and I don't want to go back, and I don't want to be friends, and I don't like seeing her (I've seen her a few times cuz it's a small community) but I still sort of miss her! It doesn't make sense. One day it will. I hope.

I know it feels this way, but actually that's not the message it would send. It would be disrespectful of you as an adult with both the freedom and responsibility to make your own decisions. It would be caving to an unhealthy manipulation. If that happens, and a client returns, there's a really high chance that trust would erode (because the unconscious message is that you aren't capable of surviving without therapy), and the client could escalate the manipulative actions--maybe even a SUI attempt. A responsible T won't increase the chances of that happening.

That might be an interesting question - how would you like her to respond. Would thinking about it clarify what you are feeling?

It sounds like a part of you wants her to "chase" after you, although I wonder if that is too harsh a characterization? Do you want him to chase you? Or just give some kind of indication at the end that you matter(ed)? or he isn't relieved to see you go? or ??? Is there another part that isn't so sure you want another contact?

I think some therapists would do some kind of follow-up, or attempt at closure, and others wouldn't. And each would have very well-thought out reasons for their policy.

I do sort of want her to chase after me. After six years of being a pain it just feels weird that she just accepted that I wanted to leave. If I told her how I felt about this I think I'd want her to respond and say that we should talk about it so that I can have another session with her to talk about this further and have some more closure. Is that unreasonable? I don't know why I just can't let this go.

It sounds very reasonable and normal to me. I think I would want a T of six years to care why I was leaving after six years. I talked about this once with a former T (the art T). She said she would probably call after a few weeks to see if things were okay - no pressure to return. Just caring. I think a lot of Ts would do that. I don't think that is the T rescuing. I think it's T's being responsible.

That's true. I guess my question is is it really worth it to contact her since I already said I don't want to see you anymore?

I don't know the answer to that.

I had a very unsatisfactory ending to my T.

Part of me is glad to just walk away. As best I can tell, any meeting would be unsatisfactory to me. I've thought about it a lot, talked with my new T about it, etc. I don't know if I'm right, just my best guess.

Part of me wishes and hopes for some kind of closure that would allow for us to be comfortable in each other's presence if we run into each other at a concert (we have run into each other previously), or the store, etc. She won't do it (at least not yet) so I don't have a choice. It's been two years and I still hope for some kind of closure that recognizes what was good, and doesn't make me feel disposable.

So for the moment I am just letting it be, choosing not to walk into something I think will be more hurtful than helpful, and waiting and hoping for the day when we might be able to have some kind of connection that would allow for us each to be comfortable if & when we run into each other.

That's a good idea. I guess that's what I'm doing to just sitting waiting. It's just really hard I'm still waffling about whethebr or not to contact her. Yeah good point about not wanting to get hurt. Maybe that's why I'm not contacting her. I don't want to get hurt by what she says. I think I'm scared that it shall say something that is not what I wanted her to say. Like not care or just even not respond. I don't know, all I can say is I miss her and want some kind of closure but I'm nervous.