Trouble opening up

Hi, I've posted here a few times before, this is my first thread.

I'm feeling really isolated at the moment, as my T has gone away for two weeks. I have quite a good circle of friends, but I find it really hard to talk to them; I find it very difficult opening up about deep emotional stuff. I talk a bit about therapy with some friends, but I'm constantly scared that they are bored by me, that I'm being self-absorbed. Some friends have had mental health issues so can relate in that respect, but none have had long term therapy.

I can't show my vulnerability at all, I always end up grinning and making jokes when things get serious, even when I want to show how I feel. And a huge part of my issues right now are related to verbal and emotional abuse in childhood. I'm way too terrified to talk about that because it seems disloyal, because it seems like a big secret that might get out. Another reason is that I'm barely able to keep in my head that it was actually abuse, I ignored it / minimized it / thought it was normal for a long time, and now I'm terrified that whoever I tell will say that it's not a big deal, that it was pretty normal, that I shouldn't be upset, that I'm being dramatic and oversensitive and horrible to even think that. And then I'll be back in a spiral of believing all those things about myself.

Has anyone experienced similar things? I really just want to be heard by people who can relate to this.

You're not alone. I could have written all of the above statements. I really really struggle with the second part. I tell myself it isn't a big deal and that I'm being dramatic and a big attention *****.

Thanks pbutton. I'm sorry that you're going through this too.

The instinct to deny and minimise is incredibly strong. I remember at one point writing down for my T something that I thought my mum used to say to me. My brain kept flicking between "Did that really happen? No, that doesn't sound plausible, I don't think that ever happened", and then "What happened wasn't so bad, I'm just being oversensitive, it wasn't a big deal." In the end I was like, okay brain, so you're arguing that the thing that never happened wasn't that bad - that's a totally logical statement!

Oh! That is SUCH a good way to look at that! HA! I do this all the time too. That's great. I mean, it sucks, but yeah...

I sure have, Tarra.

Ah, those lovely feelings of denial and minimization! Those are a good indication of that struggle going on within you: there is a part of you that sees the hope of getting help and healing for the pain of your childhood, and the other, more established part that says, "Ignore it, it wasn't a big deal, and besides, you're not worth fixing anyway." That's your old defenses protecting you; getting through a tough childhood required you to minimize the events AND the fact that you deserved better. Keep making good observations about the logical fallacies of those old defenses. They served you well, but are no longer useful.

One note about opening up to friends: I used to be very closed with my friends. I was a good listener, and was there for them, but rarely shared my own pain or fears. Slowly I've learned that my friends feel much closer to me when I share myself with them, when it's not all grins and wisecracks. My humanity, my "weakness" if you will, allowed them to feel better about their own, made us feel more intimate and equal to each other. You might find, if you let just a little more out--you don't have to lay it all on the table all at once--that your friendships become much better, and more loving, and something you can rely on. Just my two cents.

Hang in there, the two weeks will be up soon!

Hey. I'm sorry you're feeling isolated. It's hard when Ts go away for breaks, somehow a week can seem like a month.

I have absolutely felt the same. Especially feeling disloyal when talking about your childhood, and minimising, and not wanting other people to minimise things.

So, let me say this. It is a big deal. You have a right to be upset. You are not being dramatic or over-sensitive. Your pain matters. And that voice that minimises is there to protect you, in a way, as it's trying to make you think you shouldn't have the feelings you've locked away.

So well put...

Thanks feeltheburn and tinyrabbit, that's really helpful. I don't really know what to say right now.

I could have written your post almost word for word, except throw in physical abuse from someone no one would have expected it to have come from. I just accepted it as normal and never said anything to anyone, much less friends. Didn't even come up in therapy until after 8 months into it. After it did, my t has been wonderful in working with me and letting me know that it wasn't a 'normal' childhood at all. Lots of emotions have come from letting go of my denial. Right now, my t is working on getting rid of my smile as my defense mechanism. If I walk in with a certain smile on my face or cracking jokes, he knows I'm not doing well.

to you Tarra. I get it, I really do. I hope the time your t is away, goes by quickly. Until then, keep posting as much as you need to.

tarra
I have had this conversation many times with t about being disloyal to my family by talking about them and she said, you are not being disloyal we are not *****ing we are finding a way for you to be happy and to facilitate that you have to tell me about your family

I find I do a kind of paranoid turnaround. I'll open up about something, or express an opinion, and really believe myself, and believe it's okay to talk. Then I'll totally freak out and think I shouldn't have said that and I must be wrong. I'll think some insane things, e.g. I convinced myself my dad couldn't have been abusive as he was smiling in a photo.

I find it helps to ask myself: whose voice is that? Is it mine, or my parents'?

Yeah, that's a good point. It's so weird noticing that some of the things I say to myself have exactly my mum's tone and vocabulary. I've found it helpful to 'ban' myself from certain words that she uses - when I hear myself thinking it, I ask myself "could you paraphrase that please", and once I've said the thought in different words, it kind of loses it's power, and it's easier to unpick errors in the reasoning. It's hard to do it all the time though, it gets tiresome, and in some moods it's like some part of me desperately needs to yell at myself. I'm not entirely sure why, maybe to keep me safe somehow?

It sounds like you have a really firm grasp on re-training your automatic thinking; some people never manage to get past that lying voice inside, and you're doing great work to stay on top of your thoughts. Don't get down on yourself for not doing it perfectly all the time. It's like any new habit or skill, it takes a long time to get to where it's your default frame of mind.

I understand the exhaustion all that concentration can cause. I find that when I'm doing a lot of good work reframing my thoughts, that there is a relief in going back to the old ways because it's familiar and easy and doesn't take a lot of effort or attention to click into. That need you feel to yell at yourself may serve as a release of the tension caused by all that monitoring of your thoughts. Since your past created that yelling voice, and that was your "normal" way of talking to yourself, it's as familiar and easy as a pair of crappy old shoes. The fact that you can identify it when you do it, and recognize that it isn't what you want for yourself, is half the battle.

Don't worry--the time will come when the positive way will become your default. Be patient with yourself. It took a long time to form those old destructive thought patterns, and they will take some time to give way to new ones.

I like the paraphrasing idea. I'll have to try that. I've started to recognise these voices that come from other people but haven't found ways to disrupt them yet. My T sometimes asks if I want to try to have conversations with them and I keep saying no as I don't want to grant them an audience - but that's not true as I constantly give them an audience in my mind.