[Freewilled]

I'm having a really hard time in therapy right now and I can't figure out how to get through it. I don't know if its really strong transference or if my T is just not going to work for me. I feel like he's just watching me. I feel like he doesn't really care. I know he is probably a good person with good intentions and everything but maybe he is too far removed. It is torture to relive this crap - feeling so disconnected from everything is how it was often for me as a child. My parents did not provide emotional support. My mom was too focused on herself and my dad is a huge intellectualizer who is emotionally absent. I can't remember my mom ever hugging me or comforting me when I was a child - she may have...but more often than not she made it clear how much of a burden i was on her life. And my Dad just couldn't be there like that. He was incapable. My Dad would teach me things a lot and I'm not ungrateful, but it was just a very cold and lonely way to grow up I guess....

So I swear right now it feels the same way with T! Like he is just watching me suffer from afar and maybe interjects ideas or thoughts here or there, but Im all alone still. It pisses me off! Why is he so analytical? I don't want to be "taught" so often anymore. I want him to be there with me

Sorry to just vent like this but I'm so frustrated and upset about it I'm actually finding myself crying today /: Is this all just transference? Or
did I pick a T who is like this because it was familiar and now I'm suffering through it again? Do I just need to find a new T? Any ideas or thoughts would be much appreciated.

[CantExplain]

I felt exactly like this in the first year with Madame T.
In retrospect, she challenged me too much and encouraged me too little.

[feralkittymom]

Show him your post: it seems like transference, but also a good insight that you both need to explore.

Hi Freewilled,
this sounds so awful and painful
From what you have wrote here it sounds like your t is very analytical and not very person centered. has he always been like this?
It does sound like he is waiting for you to come out of this yourself, to figure it out on your own and just be there to supervise. i would rather he was there to guide you and to help you along, even just a smile or an acknowledgement of your pain and suffering would be nice.
has he been helpful in the past? if not, I would consider finding a more humanistic t, one with a little more warmth and kindness because sometimes that is all we need to get through the hard times.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I'm going through something that feels similar. It feels like torture, like a life or death situation. I'm the same, it is like he knows I am in pain and I'm hoping to GOd he knows what he is doing. I am afraid, he knows this. So, what is the goal here, to be in pain until it extinguishes? Does it extinguish? Because it is difficult to feel like someone could care less, even if the person does. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK.

All I can think of the post is that I am a rat in a jar. My instructions are to keep swimming, swimming, swimming, while they are watching me swim, knowing that I will never escape.

Any positive views, or at least more realistic views on this?

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Hi Freewilled,
this sounds so awful and painful
From what you have wrote here it sounds like your t is very analytical and not very person centered. has he always been like this?
It does sound like he is waiting for you to come out of this yourself, to figure it out on your own and just be there to supervise. i would rather he was there to guide you and to help you along, even just a smile or an acknowledgement of your pain and suffering would be nice.
has he been helpful in the past? if not, I would consider finding a more humanistic t, one with a little more warmth and kindness because sometimes that is all we need to get through the hard times.

See he is a humanistic T! Idk....maybe it was just yesterday's session was off or something...but it is like you said how he is waiting for me to come out of it myself and is just there to supervise. He even said that he feels his role is to facilitate more understanding/insight or something like that...I am very analytical myself so maybe he is mirroring that but I can't really articulate what I want from him and I know if we were to have this discussion, that's where we would end up. With him asking me how I would like it to be different. How do you ask someone to show they care? It seems so...so artificial. Do Ts really care anyway?

Originally Posted by Freewilled

See he is a humanistic T! Idk....maybe it was just yesterday's session was off or something...but it is like you said how he is waiting for me to come out of it myself and is just there to supervise. He even said that he feels his role is to facilitate more understanding/insight or something like that...I am very analytical myself so maybe he is mirroring that but I can't really articulate what I want from him and I know if we were to have this discussion, that's where we would end up. With him asking me how I would like it to be different. How do you ask someone to show they care? It seems so...so artificial. Do Ts really care anyway?

I think there are a few who really care I knwo three that care, that get upset after seeing clients for difficult sessions, its like every job, a few care and a lot don't. Some might argue it is not their job to care but to help us care more about ourselves.
My current t cares and it is genuine, she will often have a reaction as I am saying something and that helps me to know that at least one person cares.
I think you should tell your t that you are really struggling and it would be nice for him to just be there for you and that you are not ready to face things and figure them out yet, you just need him to be there with you.
Maybe a person centered t would be better as they don't challenge, they just sit there with you and they are very gentle and caring.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Sorry, Freewilled, for hijacking your post. I think sometimes we have to rough it out, and feel these things for ourselves, because they can often lead to insight. I'm not sure why, though. I still feel left by my T even though this may be the best thing to do (?).

[FeelTheBurn]

Freewilled, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Therapy may be good for us, but it can sure hurt in the process.

I would hesitate to make any sweeping conclusions about your T at this point. When you're in the midst of working through big, essential stuff, you can go through a kaleidoscope of feelings: transference, old pain, your current relationship with T, little ruptures and miscommunications, etc....It's really hard to unpack all the different perceptions and feelings you experience.

I think feralkitty has the answer: take your post, or a similar expression of what you're experiencing, into therapy and explore it with your T. Regardless of whether your perceptions are more due to him or to you, they provide an excellent opportunity to explore the wounds of your childhood. This is a really hard time in therapy, and a lot of people bail out when they hit this really tough stuff. You're doing great--hang in there, and let us know what happens!

[1stepatatime]

Hi,FreeWilled
I'm sorry therapy is so tough right now....as hard as it is, maybe just letting him know how you feel may help....maybe he will get it. Perhaps bring in a copy of your post...hand it to him. I know, easier said than done!! I sometimes feel the same. Sometimes my T stares at me...doesn't offer any emotion....she says she is neutral. But she is not cold, she can be warm when she wants to....but the boundaries are plentiful. It could be some transference playing a role in this, your T's boundaries.... best thing is to bring it with you to your next session....best wishes and many

I go through those exact same experiences. It's like being in a burning house & T's just watching.
I call it having one of my "in it" times. Whilst I'm in it, I'd swear what I'm feeling is actually happening. It's only when I come out of it I see that I'm showing T how it once was. Trying to get her to be part of that past experience. All the while she is there with me, but not in it with me. As she says, if I get swallowed up too how can I help you? She's the lighthouse in the storm.

[CantExplain]

I think this comes from an expectation that T will "make things right".
But they won't.
It takes a long time to accept how little a T will actually do.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I think this comes from an expectation that T will "make things right".
But they won't.
It takes a long time to accept how little a T will actually do.

I think we swing between them being rescuers/abandoners.
They actually do a lot. Not many people can listen attentively with their whole being. That, is the the gift of therapy.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I think we swing between them being rescuers/abandoners.
They actually do a lot. Not many people can listen attentively with their whole being. That, is the the gift of therapy.

Yeah now I feel kinda bad for telling my t he doesnt even have a man's job like I did. It's not like he's even doing math or sweating or anything. But I think you're right. And I don't think I could do his job, or would even want to. I just dont have it in me. But im very grateful he does. Thanks for this insight.