Therapist is dismissive

I am really attached to my therapist. I've been seeing her for about 6 months and on most things she has been great. I had a pretty traumatic childhood, she really listens when I talk about it and seems to genuinely care.

When I talk to her about issues currently going on in my life, she's really dismissive. I'm looking for a job. I've been looking for a job for three months. We have 2 months left in savings and then we are in trouble. Therapist's response is always "Finding a job is easy. You'll find one soon." And that's the end of the conversation. If I talk about my anxiety or depression about job hunting, that's always her answer. Once when I said that I was embarrassed about my inability to get a job and that I didn't want to talk to people about it she said "Big ******* deal."

It took me awhile to bring it up in therapy because I'm such a conflict avoider. At my appointment last Monday, I talked to her about how dismissive she is and she sincerely apologized. Even though I know she was sorry, it still left me uneasy. She said that I couldn't see the good in myself which seemed to blaming me. It's also not true. I know I am talented and will be an asset to whoever hires me, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am going to find a job easily. She said that she was looking at the big picture--the fact that I'd been the president of a large corporation before and could easily do that again. I feel like she's not looking at the big picture. She thinks I'm great, therefore, I can get another job. She's not looking at the fact that it's a really tough job market, that hiring season for my job is over, and that there are few jobs in my area.

I see her again this Monday and I am thinking of making it my last session. The only reason I want to stay with her is because I'm so attached to her. The idea of finding another therapist is daunting. She really is great about my childhood stuff. Do I stay because of this?

It is very difficult to accept a therapist's flaws. You have to make a mature and rational decision just when it's hardest to do so.

On the one hand, a lot of patients overreact and terminate over T's minor mistakes.
On the other hand, some therapists are better than others and a few are downright harmful.
Finally, even a good and motivated patient and a good and motivated therapist can't always get along.

The best thing to do right now is to talk to your T about your misgivings. You will probably feel better afterwards, but there is no guarantee.

I think you should give it a few more sessions since she has helped you with important issues, e.g., childhood stuff.

Her dismissive comments about your employment situation are concerning. In my area, the economy is poor and unemployment rate is high - so even the most talented and qualified unemployed folks often struggle to become gainfully employed after a job loss. Stating bluntly that your concerns about finding employment aren't a big deal - that is T's opinion and what matters is how you feel. It sounds like your T is brushing off your concerns about an important matter in your life. I think it is good that you brought this up and I hope your T is more sensitive and less dismissive.

It sounds like your T has some good aspects and some not-so-great aspects. I'd say give it some more time, but continue communicating your needs and concerns ... you may be able to even strengthen the therapeutic bond with your T over all of this. Or, you may learn that you need a new T ... I think giving it a bit more time will give you a clear picture on how to proceed in your best interest. Good luck.

I guess something to consider is what issue is of most concern to you right now. If you're looking at 2 months savings left, that sounds like a crisis to me. It sounds like you might want to give it one more serious shot: really lay out the reality of your concerns, financial, job search, etc, and make clear that you need her active support on these issues now. If she doesn't think that purpose is important enough to use your therapy for, then you have your answer.

It almost sounds to me like she may have some discomfort/counter transference block on the subject. I've just never known a T who doesn't take RL concerns seriously during therapy.

I believe this is an excellent opportunity for you to navigate getting your needs met in a therapy setting. Situations like this are ripe for learning and growth. I hope you stick with it enough to work through this in a way where you can tell T what your needs are and work together on getting them met.

And, as an aside, I'm sorry you're struggling in the job area. I'm in a similar situation, and it is incredibly anxiety producing.

I don't know if this is the issue in your case but I've had therapists who seem really bored with certain issues. Like they feel that therapy is about deep childhood issues but not everyday practical concerns. It's really unfair because we need to talk about whatever is going on or causing pain or anxiety even if it doesn't strike the therapist as profound or interesting. (Another possibility is that the issue is triggering for your therapist-- maybe she has some financial or employment concerns.)

I had one therapist who was totally uninterested in the fact that I hadn't renewed the registration on my car but was driving it anyway. I was so depressed and it seemed like just an insurmountable task to deal with car but I had horrible anxiety every time I drove. She was just like "oh you'll figure it out, that stuff is easy." But of course if it had been easy for me I would have done it already.

Sciencelover you deserve to have your concerns taken seriously. That fact that T isn't concerned about your job situation doesn't make it any less stressful for you.

[QUOTE=It almost sounds to me like she may have some discomfort/counter transference block on the subject. I've just never known a T who doesn't take RL concerns seriously during therapy.[/QUOTE]

Yes, she did mention that her reaction might be because of her own issues.

Thanks for saying this sounds like a crisis. Just hearing someone admit that this is a big deal makes me feel better.

If I keep going back to her is it ok to bring this up? We discussed it and seemed to move past it even though I wasn't ok with what she said. It seems unfair to keep bringing up an issue that she's apologized for.

I think you should definitely bring this up. I have had similar issues with my therapist that I have now and I always make sure to talk about it with her, to reduce the amount of miscommunication.

Just because she apologized doesn't mean that you have moved on. You know? If you need more closure, or more time to process this with her, she should be open to doing so. If not, then I would talk about why she refuses and if she still refuses to get another therapist.

The fact that your T sincerely apologized and said that there could be countertransference issues is a really good sign. That and the fact that you are attached and she is really good with childhood issues makes me think that this is a relationship worth saving, or at least working at. Try to figure out what you're not getting from her. Do you want practical advice? Do you want a sympathetic ear - just someone to listen and validate how you're feeling? There's something, and the more you can discuss the better your chances of finding out what it is. Hopefully your T will hang in there with you and try to find the deeper meaning.

I agree with others who said this is a good chance to work on the r/s and asking for what you need. In my own therapy, I've worked on stuff like this for literally months. We both get sick of it, but I need to get it resolved. It's either that or terminate, and I think the r/s is too good to give up.

As others have said, it's really important to revisit issues that continue to bother you. But your goal doesn't need to be about her apology. It sounds like you sincerely accept her apology, so that's not the issue now. But that apology doesn't erase your need for support on these RL issues. You have every right--and responsibility--to make clear your needs for support on these issues. But it's also important given what she's said to address whether or not she feels capable to help you with this. You have to allow her the space to not deal with these issues if she feels she cannot do so competently.

It doesn't mean you have to end the relationship. In that event, keep seeing her for other issues, and perhaps she can recommend someone else for you to work with on the employment transition. Because that issue is likely a relatively short-term one, your work on it will be self-limiting, so when no longer needed, you stop. It's not an either/or situation, but it is critical to get that support for yourself.

But this is your therapy. It's about you, your needs and your feelings. I'm sure your T can handle going back to it. It's not about what's "fair". It's about what you need.

I think apologies can sometimes have a silencing effect. When someone says "I'm sorry", it can feel like they're saying: "I've said I'm sorry, so we can't discuss this any more, I've decided it's resolved, end of story." But maybe you still have things to say about it, and that's okay.

Sometimes Ts get it wrong. Sometimes they get it a bit wrong, and sometimes they get it really wrong, but I think it's always worth trying to go back and work through it. Tell her what you need and how you're feeling.

Therapy isn't about never being let down, I don't think. It's about having someone there who cares when they let you down.