Hugs from your therapist-how they heal

I just wanted to get some opinions on this one. A long time ago, I asked my therapist for a hug and she said yes. Then I asked her to start sitting next to me because I felt so far away and she said yes. Somehow we got to her putting her arm around me, with my permission, always. She still asks permission every time. Months and months have gone by since my first hug.

Admittedly, I was initially not "comfortable" being hugged and held, but I guess somewhere in my tiny reptile brain, I WANTED to be comfortable being hugged and held and somehow recognized that she could get me through this. I knew a hug SHOULD be comforting, I guess. It's not something we've ever actually discussed in depth, but it has gradually become a huge part of my work with her.

Now I sit on a different couch, always with her, usually squashed against her body with her arm around me or my head on her shoulder. (She is the greatest for letting me do this.) I did not realize how incredibly comforting it has become for me, until last week when she had to stand up, and I was left on the couch alone, for like, 5 seconds. It was long enough for me to instinctively curl up into a little ball, at which point she sat right back down and put her arm around me again.

In that moment, something dawned on me. Somehow my impenetrable "space" has gone from feeling safe from others to feeling alone and isolated. I think I'm learning another thing about how it feels to be a human being. Now I realize that because she has made it safe to be hugged and held, and always on my terms no matter what, I absolutely CRAVE it from the people I trust most in my life. I just want to be held and hugged and touched and feel a human presence close to me...I feel like I have a lifetime of hugs to recover! It's kind of a new and awesome thing!

I have lived my whole life putting extra space between me and everyone else, both physically and emotionally, and all the sudden it just dawned on me how wonderful it is to be hugged, when it's coming from a safe place. (There's a metaphor in there for the emotional part, too, but I'm not quite there yet.)

Does anyone else have this experience? I realize and respect the fact that not everyone's therapist allows touch and not everyone wants to be held or hugged anyway. So this is mainly for those who have experienced this in a positive way. I'd love to hear how you've grown from it outside of the therapeutic hour. I am just feeling really blessed to have had this opportunity to grow, even though it was certainly never a goal. Just one of the many sneaky side effects of a great relationship with my therapist, I guess...

Yes, my main T has hugged me in the past. I crave it like crazy. He always asks too, but usually I have to ask and we have to talk about why and all.

I now live very far from main T and I do main therapy by phone. I ended up getting a cbt therapist in addition to deal with some specific issues. But my cbt guy is local--I think I missed being in the same room as a T.

Now I'm craving being held by this guy too and I'm confused I guess. I'm not so sure he would do it, something tells me "no". But then again, when we met he shook my hand. When he hands me things he doesn't avoid touching fingers. We sit pretty darn close (it is a small freakin room!)

I can appreciate what you wrote-just wish I got hugs more often!!

Wow, this is beautiful. I think it is fantastic that you have changes so much and are also self-aware of all of this. I'm glad that this has been so helpful for you and that you had a T who didn't mind doing this to help you heal. My T would not do this. I did hug her once, though.

We all have our issues, but touch and personal space are not a problem for me. I'm probably average "touchy-wise." I hug my friends and hug and kiss my family. When I'm in a relationship, I don't have issues with touch either. Now, trust issues and worry about what others think of me and acceptance...that is a different story.... Those are my battles.

Hi PumpkinEater:
I can really relate to what you've written. I used to think touch was always off limits in therapy, but my current therapist holds my hand or puts her hand on my back, or sits beside me (she always asks first too). I think that touch often communicates things in a way that is much more powerful than words. Especially because I dissociate a lot and words seem far away. I think for me, it has made me realize that touch is important in my life (and I don't get enough of it currently). And I think it has also made me feel that I am loveable as a person. Sometimes practicing asking my T for things translates to other relationships (like asking her to hold my hand or sit by me.).

It sounds like this has been a good experience for you. That being said, ^these statements give me pause. Anything that has such a significant feel for you really needs to be discussed. Especially given the second statement: feeling such an extreme opposite reaction seems problematic to me. It may be part of the process, but you won't know that without talking it through. I'm a bit surprised that your T has continued an action without discussing it.

I loved reading this! Thanks for posting

I've gotten occasional hugs from my T - sometimes initiated by her (arms open wide) and sometimes by me. This week, I noticed that she seemed to crave it more than I did and [I intuivitely knew] it was meant as a reward for me doing something she was pleased with. Go figure

Never had a hug or any physical contact with my first T. My second T - a handshake at the end of the session. My new T ... she calls me "sweetie" and has put her hand on my arm....which felt positive and not intrusive at all. I can picture her giving a hug at some point - but haven't asked for one. My second T, I was in therapy with for many years but he had very strict boundaries. My "new" T seems different so I am curious as to how it will go. I'm not sure if I'd ask for a hug from my T...but receiving one would probably be just fine with me. Sitting right next to her would be too close for me. I need some personal physical space and eye contact, too.

So I will be the odd one out here. My ex-T only gave handshakes. I think I got one when I met him and one after my last session. This worked perfectly fine for me; he was a great therapist.
I see two Ts now and both hug. The first one scared the crap out of me when he reached in for a hug the first time when I was standing up to leave...not because I was scared of him, he's the nicest guy ever, but I did not ask to be hugged, nor did I see it coming...why was he hugging me??
So I realized after a few more hugs, I think he feels like its part of his job...a way to comfort me. I usually get them after I am feeling particularly distressed during a session. My newest T also hugs me, but they can come like at anytime...the last was as he was opening the door to the waiting room (and his next patient, a really cute guy, was sitting in there...embarrassing ), another was in the middle of the session, and one day he called me "huggable," which I am still working on figuring out since I know I don't mean to put that vibe out...I am a huge fan of my personal bubble.
Anyway, I went to a childhood T from age 7-18, and I don't think she ever hugged me that I remember. My parents hardly ever touched me. I do love being hugged by a significant other and was extremely affectionate when I was married, as was he. So I have no problems showing affection when I feel it.
So now, after thinking about it for awhile...I don't get anything from my Ts hugging me. Zero. I am just letting them do it since it seems like they feel better about doing it as a part of their job. I wouldn't let them do it if it really bothered me...it doesn't do that either. I just don't get anything from it.

I see two T's. T#1 always keeps his boundaries but last week after and emotional, connecting session(he was teary eyed) I stood up and asked him for a hug. He said that would be ok. It felt so good and it was so healing. It has been carrying me all week.

Feralkittymom: I totally agree! I am definitely going to bring this up next time I see her. It's not that we haven't talked about it at all, actually. Just not in depth because I've never felt the need to discuss it "in depth." Whatever feelings I had about it were not ones I could vocalize until very recently, like, yesterday. I used to feel that sitting next to her was very grounding, as I could feel where my body started and ended if she was right there, and it helped me a lot when I was kind of emotionally checking out. I've told her that. I've told her that I'm afraid someday she'll stop hugging me, so we've talked about that, too. Honestly, I've just never put a lot of thought to it until now, so yes, I'll definitely be bringing it up. It just hit my like a 2x4 over the head how immensely important this issue has become!

The statement about how "my impenetrable "space" has gone from feeling safe from others to feeling alone and isolated" (I think that's what you're referring to?) is a good thing, I think, but I will also be sure to bring it up with her. I think what I mean is, I used to feel (or attempted to feel, or thought I felt...) safer keeping everyone at a distance, both physically and emotionally. No one came near me, in any way, shape, or form. Now I'm starting to recognize how isolated that has made me, and lonely, too. Being "impenetrable" is not necessarily a good thing. I am slowly (emphasis on the "slowly") learning to recognize that it can be safe on the outside, too, and that there are good feelings and emotions to be experienced by letting others in.

Thank you for helping me clarify my thought process a bit more!

I'm glad you clarified because I misunderstood your meaning about when you would transition from sitting next to her to her getting up, it left you feeling alone and sort of panicing. Now I see it just made the realization more tangible for you.

I've been hugging my current t from our first session. I went home and googled hugging and found oxytocin. They used to say kids needed 10 hugs a day for optimal growth. I went from feeling pretty awkward about it to feeling like I know this person and he knows me, 7 years later. This is not my first long term t, but it is the first time I've felt like this. Being able to ask for touch at crucial times has probably been instrumental in my feeling that way towards him - feeling accepted.

My old therapist allowed hugs, but I could never get up the courage to let her hug me. It was strange- because I trusted her with all my heart. I wish that I had gotten the courage to do it- especially now that we are no longer working together.

I'm glad that it has been such a great experience for you. It was very inspirational to hear your story Thanks for sharing.

This is such a big thing for me....I also do not let people close as you say physicaly or emotionaly. I try to change that now taking small steps at a time. Lately I feel big urge for physical contact (non sexual) but it is hard when everybody around knows you are the "no touch" person. When I got to therapy I made sure my T knew I hate to be touched and I do not want her to do so. But now I think about the idea and I wish she would do it one day. I don´t know her policy on that though.
My parents were not the affectionate kind and I have big hole in the hug and cuddle area. I worry that when the door opens the pain of it would be too much and nobody could fix it.
Also I have a stong fear of people thinking I´m disgusting bc I smell or something. I know it is not rational but the idea of somebody touching me gets me nervous and I sweat and then I´m disgusting so it is a bit of a circle for me. I feel stuck.

Sorry I got little carried away with my stuff......I´m glad you had this chance and that your T is willing to meet your needs for touch and affection. It is a wonderful !

I am so jealous you guys. I wish I had a therapist that would sit next to me and hold me. However, I know that would take a long time to get to that point and hard work. I have a relatively new T that I have been seeing for about 7 months. If I ask for a hug at the end of a session she will think about it for a quick second and then allow it to happen otherwise if I don't ask it doesn't happen. I'm not feeling that close to her so it's OK. My old T gives hugs at the end of the sessions. I started off by asking for one and then after that it became natural. Once, I guess I had something on my mind and was about to leave and she said hey and reached out her arms for a hug. I'm really glad that happened. It showed me she needs them too. More equal. I use to go to her once a month because work would pay for it (I can't afford it). I saw her for 5 years. She is not suppose to due long term therapy and so had a hard time explaining to her boss why she was still seeing me. I would love to still be with her but those are the rules. I can see her every once in while if I need to and she wants me to also.

I have longed for a counselor to hold me. How does one get the courage to ask for that?

Great question. How does one get the courage to ask a LOT of things in therapy?

I initially mentioned it in an email, that sometimes she seemed so far away from me. From there she would sometimes ask me if I wanted her to sit next to me and we just went from there, I guess. I guess at the time, I did not realize this was a hot button issue for so many people.

These comments have been really thought-provoking to me, everyone. I'm sorry I haven't replied to everyone individually; I'm just taking it all in. Thank you for posting, each and every one of you.

This is one of the things i miss the most from my t. I wish she could come home. She is stil stuck being gone because of her family emergency in another country.
When she was home and we had t in person, hugs and hand holding were probably the most healing thing about t.
I was never, ever hugged growing up. Though my skin felt "hungry" for it i never had it. Even now i rarely get hugs.
I miss my t so much

I am jealous also. It would be healing to have a T to sit next me, hold my hand and hug me. Not sexual....but like I never received as a child.

Solepa, I grew up with some horrible abuse and neglect, so I have a lingering fear as well of people thinking I smell bad or that I'm disgusting. That, combined with other issues around just feeling unclean as a result of CSA, often leaves me feeling like I am contaminating people when I touch them or try to talk about the CSA I suffered. My T being willing to touch, and to hug me, has been huge in trying to overcome that issue.

We do discuss the hugs periodically, both in terms of me seeking reassurance that he doesn't feel dirty when he touches me, and in terms of him checking in with me regarding my perceptions of the hugs.

This has been so interesting to read and thought provoking. My T does not hug me which at this point... I think I'm okay with that. Just this last week right at the end of my session she was just staring at me and smiling, very warmly. I felt a little uncomfortable and looked at her with a goofy smile and said "what?" She very calmly replied " nothing, I'm just enjoying this moment". I felt loved. Her warmth penetrated my suit of armor.
That is the closest I've come to a hug from her...even though it was a little uncomfortable I liked it . Maybe one day I will be blessed and receive a hug,too

My T has hugged me twice. Both times made me feel slightly uncomfortable and nervous. She asked both times and I said yes. I wasn't going to just reject her.

I remember her hugs being surprisingly firm. They were hugs with serious conviction. I felt very pathetic because I know I didn't hug back with nearly the same intensity. And then I never know how long to hold the hug or what I'm supposed to be feeling. There is just this person on me and it's supposed to be healing but I just feel awkward.

I think I have problems with touch though. I wasn't hugged as a kid.

I wonder how the therapist makes that decision whether they will/will not allow touching with any/all clients.

My therapist has never once shown any sign of touching (hand/shoulder/hug). He seems to have clear boundaries regarding this.

Hugs? Ha. We once high fived though...

What was interesting to me with my T was that he had made several small comments that made me think that hugging was a boundary crossing for him. At least twice, he said he WISHED he could hug me, and he never made any move to touch me. Apparently, he was just waiting for me to ask, or that was kind of an offer, or something, and I missed it. When I was having issues with dissociating in session and having trouble getting my head back together at the end, he asked how he could help. I asked if he could just talk to more about small things and maybe touch me and he immediately asked if it was okay if he hugged me. I was like, "damnit! You mean I could have been having hugs all this time????"

My T started out by saying he was hugging me or holding my hand in his mind. "In my mind, I just gave you a big hug." "I hold your hand such a lot in here, in my mind." The first time I had any actual physical contact with him, I regressed to a fairly young state and he held my hand.

Sometime after that, I told him how, when I was a kid, I always used to wish someone would ask how I was and give me a hug. Later in the session, he asked: "What do you need?" and I said I needed something I'd mentioned earlier but he couldn't give it to me. He said: "Why do you think I can't give you a hug?" I said nothing but it kind of sank into my brain.

A few weeks later, he went on a break. He held my hand again in the last part of the session, and then when the time was up I didn't want to go. I kind of froze, not wanting to move. Then I said: "Maybe you could give me a hug?" and he said: "Oh, well that's easy," and did.

The next time I asked him for a hug, he made me spend ages talking it. Why did I want a hug? What did I want from it? And he asked me all these questions about exactly how I wanted to be hugged. Since then, I've asked for a hug a few times, and asked him to hold my hand. He has only ever done these things when I've asked.

Last session, for example, I commented on how my hand was in a weird position. I said: "Um, so this is me wanting you to hold my hand and not wanting to ask." T said: "So what are you going to do about that then?" I said: "Drop passive aggressive hints?" Then I asked him in a tiny little whisper and he took my hand, but he waited until I'd asked.

The best, most healing hug he ever gave me was when I was really mad at him, I was threatening to quit therapy, it was the end of the session and I needed him to do something, anything, to fix it. And he said: "Well, you can let go of this sh_t with me and see that I love you." I said: "How do I know that." He said: "Smell the truth!" I said: "Well, come within smelling distance then!" And he hugged me and rocked me. I didn't want to let go. Normally I'm the one who lets go, I'm not sure quite why that is.

I have no idea how this is affecting me outside therapy. I think it just generally adds to my ability to feel cared for and contained, I suppose.