[CantExplain]

Hi guys!

I took Madame T's final report in to Mr T and we went through it.
We agreed it is essentially fair and accurate, and not as cold as I originally read it, but it is clinical. It refers to me by my first name and herself as "the therapist", so it is entirely impersonal. And yet it's not really a professional document either, as there is no heading, no introduction, no conclusion, no signature. It doesn't include her name or even the date she wrote it.

There is nothing in there about how she felt about me, and that is perhaps is the biggest disappointment. She doesn't wish me well or even say good bye.

It brought up some painful feelings, but I spontaneously went into a breathing exercise to calm myself down. Mr T was impressed by that.

[growlycat]

What did lady T write after all? Anything surprise you? Were these notes just for insurance purposes???

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by growlycat

What did lady T write after all? Anything surprise you? Were these notes just for insurance purposes???

No surprises.
No insurance involved.

I said I had a last request. I wanted a farewell letter. Madame T said she might write one "if she felt like it". We talked about what I hoped might be in it. I specifically mentioned I wanted something to cherish and remember her by.

After the final session, I asked if she was "going to write that letter". That's when she wrote me the report.

[jan16th]

After all the pain you shared with T, it is disappointing to learn the T is only an " auto mechanic" of the human mind. Like a mechanic, they will address this or that problem and have no personal feelings about the car.

[CantExplain]

Here's a link to the earlier thread.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I asked Madam T for a "letter for farewell". Instead, she wrote me what is essentially a referral. She talks about me technically, in the third person, as if she were writing to another therapist.

Here is my reply:

Thanks.

I appreciate the time you spent on this. I'm sure this was hard work and I can see the care you put into choosing your words.

W says this is a case where I need to find the love in what was given, instead of what I wanted. I was hoping for something warmer and more personal, to me and not about me. A loving farewell to a son leaving home.

You'll always be the woman who saved my life.

Love,
Cant Explain

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by jan16th

After all the pain you shared with T, it is disappointing to learn the T is only an " auto mechanic" of the human mind. Like a mechanic, they will address this or that problem and have no personal feelings about the car.

It's not as simple as that. Over the years, she's said things like, "You're a pleasure to work with." And she's said she loves me.

For some reason, I really would have liked her to put that in writing.
And I really don't understand why she wouldn't.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, CE, that sounds really hard. I can imagine the difficult feelings that got stirred up for you. I'm glad you were able to use breathing techniques to help you and that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with new T by sharing that with him. (( HUGS ))

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It's not as simple as that. Over the years, she's said things like, "You're a pleasure to work with." And she's said she loves me.

For some reason, I really would have liked her to put that in writing.
And I really don't understand why she wouldn't.

I can understand why she wouldn't put that she loves you in writing, it would be a legal nightmare. But I do empathise with you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

I can understand why she wouldn't put that she loves you in writing, it would be a legal nightmare. But I do empathise with you.

Help me understand. (One of Madame T's phrases!)
Why is it legal to say she loves me but not legal to write it?

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Help me understand. (One of Madame T's phrases!)
Why is it legal to say she loves me but not legal to write it?

Because if she says it, which I don't think they should say it but if they say it only word of mouth can prove it was said but if you have it in writing you could- if so inclined, get her into a **** load of trouble.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Because if she says it, which I don't think they should say it but if they say it only word of mouth can prove it was said but if you have it in writing you could- if so inclined, get her into a **** load of trouble.

Yes...because a client might take the word "love" (not saying you, CE) and run with it and she could have a hell of a problem...Ts don't document everything they say because it can then be taken out of context and there is an official record of it (again, lacking exact context of that moment).

[WikidPissah]

I don't understand it either CE. I went for psych testing several years ago, met with the guy once for several hours...when he sent me the report the cover email said:

Here is your report. I am happy to meet with you to review this. You should really provide this to your psychiatrist, therapist and case manager. I think it will provide a good road map for your full recovery.

I enjoyed working with you. You are a nice person who deserves good things in her life.

The actual report said:

[wiki] presented as a bright, alert, cooperative and engaging woman who easily established rapport with the evaluator. She was conscientious. She tried her best to complete all of the material presented to her.

Like I said, this is a professional doing a legal evaluation. So, I don't see the problem with saying "I enjoyed working with you" or "I will miss you" in part of an eval.

I am so sorry she wouldn't at least give you that.

Sorry to hijack your thread CE but it is my experience that the more a therapist knows you want something, the more they won't give it to you. They put on the breaks and resist it as much as they can. I don't know why it's so hard for them to show a little humanity now and again.

CE, I can see why for insurance, malpractice and ethics reasons, she might not want to put 'I love you' in writing. It is too easy for it to be taken out of context and used against her, and if she explained sufficiently to put it in context, then it really loses its meaning anyway. However, as others have said, there is no reason she could not have made it warmer and nicer. I am sorry she was unwilling to give you something of herself to cherish in the letter.

[feralkittymom]

I feel a need to defend Madame T here (this will come as no surprise! )

One way to look at this is that asking her for that type of farewell letter was an attempt to force her to participate in a fantasy after the fact (son leaving home), and to write a love letter (not a romantic love letter, but a love letter, nonetheless). The request could be seen as very transferential.

The intent clearly pushed beyond her boundaries, which under the transferential circumstances, don't seem entirely unreasonable to me, and she held firm. As she appears to have done consistently throughout your therapy. To behave in any other way would have been to lie or to make a lie of the therapy. That would have been quite destructive, assuming that she valued the work you'd done together. It also assumes that you would never return, but she has evidence to question that.

While I understand the feelings of disappointment and loss and maybe anger, I don't think it's reasonable to criticize her actions in this.

I think it's also very interesting that this feels much the same in many ways to Rainbow's thread about asking her T for a gift--and opinions were pretty consistent that doing so was uncomfortable and ill-advised with regard to boundaries. So what makes the difference in this situation?

For some reason, I really would have liked her to put that in writing.
And I really don't understand why she wouldn't.

I think the challenge isn't to figure out why she wouldn't write that she loves you, but rather why you felt the need that she should.

[WikidPissah]

Sorry kitty, I totally disagree.
I do get her not putting "I love you" in writing, but that's not ALL CE wanted. He just wanted a warm good-bye. After working with her and paying her well for all these years, he deserved at least that. Warmth can be expressed in so many ways...
I wish you well.
Feel free to contact me in the future.
Thank you for letting me get to know you.
I have learned things from you. (Which she has. Every person knows something we don't)
etc, etc, etc.

She was trying to "win", and there really was no "win" in this situation.

[stopdog]

I think the old therapist was being spiteful to CE. I understand the no love thing, but her refusal to give him a warm farewell seems to me to be more her being petty.

[feralkittymom]

I wish you well.
Feel free to contact me in the future.
Thank you for letting me get to know you.
I have learned things from you. (Which she has. Every person knows something we don't)
etc, etc, etc.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying these things and would hope that they were expressed verbally. But I'm not clear that CE's request would have permitted such a response. It sounds like he wanted something very different emotionally.

[unaluna]

Now we have hindsight of course, but doesnt it just look like CE wanted to change ts and be assured she wasnt "too" mad? But instead of taking responsibility for these desires, he picks a fight and then asks for a love letter - totally sounds like something I would do, unfortunately. I agree with feralkitty, madame t could see he was acting out something, and she would not participate in it.

[CantExplain]

I don't think it is against the rules for a T to love her patients.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I don't think it is against the rules for a T to love her patients.

I agree, but it's kind of dynamic? In the moment, part of the therapy. To write it down or try to nail it down seems like having a friendship IRL - not gonna happen. Like how catching a soap bubble destoys it.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

I agree, but it's kind of dynamic? In the moment, part of the therapy. To write it down or try to nail it down seems like having a friendship IRL - not gonna happen. Like how catching a soap bubble destoys it.

I want that bubble!!!!!

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I don't think it is against the rules for a T to love her patients.

It's not against the rules unless the act in it and it is in the sexual context!
This is all so hard, I wish there was an easy way out for you and t and I think feral kitty and wiki both have valid points. There is a kind way to do things and I don't think Madame t was being kind but she was being true to herself and not giving into your needs.
Ts do love their clients but I believe they should never say it, it does not help most clients.

[1stepatatime]

My heart goes out to you, [(((((((((!CE])))))))))) Therapy is no joke. Feelings are involved, it is all about the other "f" word. I can see why a T wouldn't say "I love you" because it could easily be taken out of context. For me personally I go on actions, body language, voice tone, all of that good stuff. I do wish for you that your T could have been warmer...after all, many of us are fragile and a little care goes a very long way!!! Keep on moving forward

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I don't think it is against the rules for a T to love her patients.

It certainly isn't against any rule, but nor can it be summoned on demand.

My former T loves me and has for a very long time. And I have love for him. But neither of us has the right to dictate that feeling for the other. I don't have the right to define his feeling for me (I'm using the word love because I have to use some word), nor the right to control it. It's his feeling, and he gets to decide what it is and how and when to show it. I can accept or reject it, that's my right. But I can't possess his feeling for me. I can't demand that he only experience it on my terms. And the same is true in reverse.

I understand the disappointment when we don't get the feeling we want from another in the form we want it. But I think holding another responsible for that is a step too far.