Irrational anger directed at therapist

*Possible trigger warning: intense anger related to trauma*

I have just started seeing my therapist twice a week and we are discussing some hot button issues related to my past that I have been skirting for the last year. I left my session a few days ago absolutely livid...as in, I only remember one other time in my life when I was so angry. I actually thought that if I could get away with it, I'd burn down her office. (Yes, this is the same therapist that I adore and love, who hugs me and lets me text her every day.)

I recognize that due to the intensity of the feelings, they are likely rooted in the past, but how do you get past them? I did do some serious journaling; it was pretty ugly stuff that I am ashamed of now, but I guess I need to show her what I wrote and talk about it.

How can I learn to appropriately direct my anger at the right people? I can logically recognize what is going on, in fact, I can tell that if in these journal entries I substituted my therapist's name for someone else's name in my life, it would all make perfect sense. But the fact of the matter is, today when I did my daily check in with her, I felt like throwing my phone across the room when she (my therapist) texted me back. It's pretty awful because I love her and she's my rock and she doesn't deserve to be a punching bag. Has anyone else dealt with this while working through trauma? Curious about your thoughts and experiences. I feel so embarrassed to be putting the person I love through irrational stuff that's in no way related to her.

I haven't really experienced that with my therapist "yet". But what you're going thru is natural, you're doing some really tough work so well done. You said you'd written in your journal and if you exchanged your therapists name for the person the anger is actually directed at then it would be more accurate. So do it! Go rewrite it to the person you are really angry at, let it all furiously spill out, spit venom and loathing and everything else onto that paper, it might help.

You're doing great pumpkineater, hang in there.

I agree with Asia blue.

Have you shared the anger with your therapist? Mine would be ecstatic to hear what you describe. Getting angry is often a very good thing in therapy, and having your therapist work through it with you could be very helpful. (I say this as someone who is trying really hard to get mad at T).

I haven't told her in so many words, but she does know, based on how I behaved at the end of the session and the text I sent the next morning. Today I told her things were better, not expecting to feel such a surge of anger when she responded. So I guess it's not over yet. I guess I have to bite the bullet and show her all the things I wrote, but, ouch. It makes me sad to observe myself behaving like this. I should add that I have been angry at her before, but certainly not to this level. I have occasionally emailed her very direct emails about what was making me so mad, but those times felt "more legit" and way less "transferency" then right now. By that I mean, I felt like she'd really done something to legitimately tick me off, whereas this time, I can't put my finger on anything she did wrong.

Oh can you tell us what you got so angry over!

With your therapist's help. You don't need to have all the answers to this.

Right now, your T actually IS the appropriate person to be directing your anger at. Really. I know it doesn't make sense in any other situation that you could love someone, care about them and not want to drive them away, but also get angry with them and take things out on them, but that's part of the purpose of therapy: to discharge toxic emotions in a safe, compassionate space. It's okay to get angry in T and it won't drive your T away.

If she wasn't your therapist, my answer would be different. But she is. And you know what? It's not about whether she deserves to be your punching bag, because she's a trained therapist and she can take it. It's about whether YOU need someone there WITH YOU to work through your anger and help you handle these emotions. And that is part of what your T is there for.

I have been in this place many times: getting angry with my T, then feeling bad for what I put him through. And I've discussed it with him quite a lot, so I'm going to share some of what he has said to me in case it helps you too. He has told me that, if I'm giving him a hard time, it's because I need to. That it's okay to use him as a punching bag. That, yeah, in any other sphere of life, this wouldn't be an acceptable way to behave, but it's not a friendship, it's therapy, it's different.

And he told me he doesn't see this (my anger, my criticism of him, my tantrums, etc) as having anything to do with ME. When he said that, I briefly misheard, thought he was saying it had nothing to do with him, that he wasn't taking it personally because he knew it wasn't about him. But he was saying it had nothing to do with me, that he isn't judging me.

I am willing to bet it's worth talking to your T about this. And you know what? Getting angry in therapy is good! If you need to get angry, I can't think of a better place for you to do it.

Pumpkineater, I'd imagine it'd be useful to have this exact discussion with your T. I have a tendency to displace my feelings as well, focusing so strongly on a certain thing that may be occurring now but disregarding other things that may have an impact.

Tinyrabbit - I'm glad this has been your experience and that it's been helpful for you. My T tried to show me that I was directing my anger at him and not at the things I needed to...and almost terminated me as a result of that rupture. Although I do believe that Ts are typically better equipped to deal with a client's anger, it would be important to work towards directing the anger to the appropriate source.

Back to Pumpkineater....If you're aware of who your anger is really for, it may be worthwhile exploring the reasons why you're reluctant or struggling with not expressing that anger towards that person or about that person/issue in therapy.

I suppose I should say it depends on your therapy, and how you express your anger. And indeed the reasons why you're in therapy.

For me personally, being able to express anger at all is kind of a huge step.

This made me laugh! But I'm so embarrassed by what I got mad over. Some of it is legit and some not at all. I am not usually this open on the forum but here goes.

We were discussing lack of protection and how children are never responsible if abuse occurs. I accept this with regards to every kid except me. Logically I get that it's not the case, but I can explain away the logic really easily at this point.

Then she brought my niece up, and I was filled with rage that she brought her into the picture, it just disgusted me to imagine my sweet little niece in my position at her age. It was a very foul image. Then she tried to get me to imagine myself as a little kid, and she said that she would have thought I was a wonderful, creative, resiliant little kid, and it made me so mad to imagine that I could ever possibly love myself at that age. I could hear in her voice that she genuinely meant what she said about the younger version of me, and I could imagine that she really could have liked me back then.

We discussed the effect of the non-offending parent, and I am so overcome with emotion regarding the fact that my non-offending parent has helped lots of other kids in a similar position as mine, but overlooked a lot of things that were occuring under our very own roof.

Then my session ended very abruptly. My therapist just said "Well, we're out of time." And I got up and she gave me a hug and I just dropped my arms and walked out. By this time I was already feeling ready to do something really impulsive. Then I saw her next client waiting, and I think there was a massive emotional re-enactment of my non-offending parent, who helped everyone but me, and I just about lost it. I drove home in an absolute fury, slammed the door, and can barely remember the events of the rest of the night even though we went out and did something fun.

You are right again, TinyRabbit. I do need to talk to her. Sent her an email asking her to hold me accountable for this because I know I will try to stuff it. And yes, therapy should be safe to get angry. I would say this to anyone but once again not apply it to me!

I am logically aware. I guess I need to just keep talking about it. It just feels so deeply shameful and flat out mean. It honestly makes me feel like a bad person to be this angry.

Going through trauma work brings many emotions and anger.Dont feel embarrassed, i been there and done that. I directed my anger at t while that anger was for someone else. I love my t but she is sometimes a punching bag without me realize that, Okay, I realize it now, this realization is important to me because I can talk about it with her. Before I could not understand my anger I just fired it off on her. Now I know that anger is not for her. But jeez sometimes she has to endure a lot. She is not afraid of it, sometimes she says ' come on bloem' let that anger show. That is always an eye opener but also inhibits my anger.

talk to your T about it, than she/he knows what is going on and you can work together on it.

Bloem

"Irrational anger directed at therapist":

This is exactly how psychodynamic therapy is supposed to work.

I think it sounds like you have a really great T and it would be okay to stop worrying about this quite so much.

I also think your anger sounds perfectly rational and a first step towards getting angry on behalf of childhood you.

I just wanted to say that this thread really helped me - Thanks. I have trouble being angry with my therapist and tend to direct it at myself instead. I've recently been going through a rupture with T and dealing with some big time anger that I'm realizing is not really about her. It's intense and scary. Anger is a powerful emotion. Good to know it's part of the process.

Though we have fantasys of what we'd like to do when we're angry. We actually wouldn't.
The only way I've worked through is to verbalise it. Nothing gets processed unless we convert the energy into words and have them heard.
I've told T I want to smash her face in. I have a skilled T that allows all anger to be expressed. As a child I had to suppress that anger.
Now that I'm allowed it,it at first felt like I would explode. Now afteryrs of expressing, I greet it freely. I know it, it's no longer alien. Which makes it manageable.

Me too. I have a history of not feeling feelings in the way you're supposed to, as my parents were very emotionally neglectful (among other things) and I had no space to feel them and no way of dealing with them. I started SI in various ways when I was in primary (elementary) school, as I turned it all inwards.

So getting angry outwards, towards my T, is progress. Also, it's been important for me to see that if I express negative feelings (get angry, get upset, have a tantrum, whatever) my T will stay with me and accept my feelings - he won't emotionally reject me, yell at me, call me names, ignore me, tell me not to feel what I'm feeling, or threaten to hit me.

When I was little, I was too scared to act out. And when I turned into an angry, frustrated teenager, nobody stopped to wonder why, it was seen as justification for certain elements of how I was treated. The experience of being able to get angry and act out, and have an attachment figure stick around and care for me in spite of my behaviour, is something I have been missing for a long time.

TinyRabbit, you were right, I needn't have worried. She was so accepting of all of it...and she even said it's going to get worse!

PumpkinEater, I am glad to hear that you could share your anger and that T handled it well. I find that very hopeful since I am struggling with this as well. Thank you for sharing!

I can only recall one other time in my life when I've been as angry as I am
now. I'm absolutely on fire. Stand back.