I have feelings for the therapist, one is envy for her great life and nice house, two is maternal feelings and also romantic feelings. All my feelings are aimed at her. It such a burden and I can't get rid of them.

She has children which kills me. I feel like I want to have children with her and also be her child. I don't have anger towards her children, just feel how lucky they are.

I know it seems silly but I was thinking if I killed myself I could reincarnate as one of her future children if she has anymore. Knowing my luck it would **** up and I'd probably come back as some stick insect.

I hate the fact she's more intelligent, she has a genius IQ, she also has much more money then me.

So there's envy, lust and love all mixed together and it's a lot to take. With other **** I'm also dealing with. Not sure how I can get out of this situation.

[Melody_Bells]

Lycanthrope,
I can feel the love, envy and pain in your words. I could've written the exact same thing a few years ago, I hear you about T's children, intelligence, money... no wonder you feel so envious. I understand! I am sorry you feel so mixed up. Have you talked about this with T? Please keep us updated on your thoughts, and keep safe.

[rapid cyclist]

I've idealized my T as well, adopting her as the maternal figure I've always craved, but she has assured me from time to time that she's exceedingly human and makes mistakes and doesn't have perfect relationships with all of her children. I know, right? Who knew?

Try to keep this in perspective. You have a professional relationship with her, and any fondness she has developed for you beyond that would be called into question mightily if she thought you had the slightest notion to kill yourself to draw nearer to her. No T would be happy to hear that.

I get the feelings of intimacy and jealousy. I just think she would want you to put all those emotions and yearnings toward positive things for yourself beyond your sessions. Take care and stay safe.

We can never live another's life. We eventually learn our life fits us just right. Once we become interested in it enough. Whilst we focus outside we will always feel lacking.
I was like that, then gradually I become interested in my life, I guess once I'd internalised T's respect for who I am. I found hobbies. Within doing that I slipped back into my life and can accept the edges that exist between myself and others. Our life, our real life's are lived on the inside. The rest are just details.

I would not threaten to kill myself to draw her nearer to me. That's not fair on her. I know full well that rationally this is stupid but emotionally I can't help how I feel. I have other reasons why I feel depressed also. I listed 12 reasons to my therapist and this was 1 of them.

[SkinnySoul]

What did she say about this?

It sucks having feelings for your T, I am there as well. I understand your pain, but it CAN get better. Please don't give up.

I haven't had the chance to tell her to how the extent it's affecting me. I also have to be careful how I put it across. I feel suicidal because of my feelings for her but I would never threaten suicide to manipulate her into anything. I need to make that point when I see her.

[SkinnySoul]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

I haven't had the chance to tell her to how the extent it's affecting me. I also have to be careful how I put it across. I feel suicidal because of my feelings for her but I would never threaten suicide to manipulate her into anything. I need to make that point when I see her.

Ok, you can make that clear, but please talk to her about the intensity of your feelings. It's very important. I'm sure she'd be happy to help you with this.
Good luck and hang in there until you see her.

[Melody_Bells]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

I haven't had the chance to tell her to how the extent it's affecting me. I also have to be careful how I put it across. I feel suicidal because of my feelings for her but I would never threaten suicide to manipulate her into anything. I need to make that point when I see her.

Hi Lycanthrope, I feel for you! If you decide to tell her, your T would probably understand you're only trying to share your honest feelings, not trying to manipulate her. You need to be able to talk honestly in therapy. I tell my T the same stuff you said, and she always responds with listening and empathy. It is a nice feeling to be able to share my real self. Whatever you decide to do, I send you lots of good wishes and support.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

I have feelings for the therapist, one is envy for her great life and nice house, two is maternal feelings and also romantic feelings. All my feelings are aimed at her. It such a burden and I can't get rid of them.

She has children which kills me. I feel like I want to have children with her and also be her child. I don't have anger towards her children, just feel how lucky they are.

I know it seems silly but I was thinking if I killed myself I could reincarnate as one of her future children if she has anymore. Knowing my luck it would **** up and I'd probably come back as some stick insect.

I hate the fact she's more intelligent, she has a genius IQ, she also has much more money then me.

So there's envy, lust and love all mixed together and it's a lot to take. With other **** I'm also dealing with. Not sure how I can get out of this situation.

You're putting your T on this massive pedestal and it seems to me that you are forgetting that she is human. She has her problems and has been through her own trials. Just because someone is intelligent and more wealthy than you, that doesn't mean their life is perfect or that they are a better person than you. Comparing yourself to another person, especially when you don't really know much about them is both dangerous and unfair to you.

I wouldn't bank on reincarnation if I were you. Even if reincarnation existed (you are free to believe whatever is best for you), you still wouldn't be able to pick what you reincarnated into or remember you had a past life. She would be a totally different person to you if you were reincarnated into her kid.

Have you ever talked to her about this transference?

[EDIT] I missed your last posts. If you did tell her about this, what do you think she could feel manipulated to do?

Originally Posted by growlithing

You're putting your T on this massive pedestal and it seems to me that you are forgetting that she is human. She has her problems and has been through her own trials. Just because someone is intelligent and more wealthy than you, that doesn't mean their life is perfect or that they are a better person than you. Comparing yourself to another person, especially when you don't really know much about them is both dangerous and unfair to you.

I wouldn't bank on reincarnation if I were you. Even if reincarnation existed (you are free to believe whatever is best for you), you still wouldn't be able to pick what you reincarnated into or remember you had a past life. She would be a totally different person to you if you were reincarnated into her kid.

Have you ever talked to her about this transference?

[EDIT] I missed your last posts. If you did tell her about this, what do you think she could feel manipulated to do?

Rationally I know you're right. However you throw emotions into it and it's not that simple. Anyway I don't feel quite so bad now. I haven't told her about this yet but will.

[tooski]

I just want to say that I have a whole lot of similar feelings going on with me. It's torture, and I feel for you because I know how bad it can get. All I want to share is a glimmer of hope that happened a month or so ago. I didn't see him for 2 weeks because he was out of town for a family reunion. He said they have one every year. After a few days I started to stew about this and got angrier and angrier, almost in a rage. I couldn't stand it that he had a family that cared enough about each other to gather together every year. I hated him for it ---- hated him!!! I was in such pain that it was like a knife in my stomach.

Finally the lightbulb came on and I realized that all the tears and anger weren't for him - they were for me. It wasn't about him at all. I was raging and grieving that I didn't have a family that cared for each other. Once my emotions were directed at me, where they belonged, I started to come to terms with the whole family thing. I never had that happy family, and I never will. It just didn't happen. When I told T about all this, he said "You were cheated." Yes, I was. A lot of us were.

Maybe if you can work on mourning what you don't have in your own life and not focus on all that your T DOES have, you can work through all this. I hope so. I just know how painful it can be. Hugs, if it's OK.