[1stepatatime]

I know that some of you have posted about ruptures, or worse and had considered quitting therapy, or at least with that T.
Well, now I have the pleasure of being in the same predicament. I won't bore you with all of the details but I will tell you that I question if my T truly cares about me...I do not know if I can trust her because she made this statement: "you don't really know if I am telling you the truth" instead of being compassionate and reassuring me that she was telling the truth. sorry this is so vague but honestly..I'm feeling done. I feel like I am being mind-fu****. I feel like I am being toyed with.
I will also be honest and say that I am thoroughly pissed off right now. When one reaches the boiling point can it be repaired, rectified? I've never experienced this before so I'm not knowing what to do.

[stopdog]

In my case, it was not rectified or repaired - I changed what I used the ruptured one for which seems more suited towards her abilities and got a new one of them for the other stuff. She was incapable or unwilling to help me in the way I wish to be helped by a therapist, but she does have information that I can use in other ways.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by stopdog

In my case, it was not recitfied or repaired - I changed what I used the ruptured one for and got a new one of them for the other stuff.

Thanks,Stopdog.. sometimes I wish that I had the time and income to support two T's.

[ShrinkPatient]

I obviously don't know all your issues. I have been really angry with my therapist on three occasions. (After a tar and a half) I've had strong emotional feelings in regards to my T and our relationship and when I've discussed the issue with her it has strengthened our therapeutic relationship. For us, those strong feelings of anger or even moderate irritation, have led us to a deeper understanding of one another. Also, I usually gain a better understanding of myself because my anger I usually a result of my own insecurities.
That being said, I don't know if this of any help. I should also say that not every T is right for YOU as a client/patient. I would encourage you to discuss this thoroughly with your T, but if you can't gain some comfort or understanding then you may need a different T.../:

[growlycat]

I've had ruptures so awful I thought for sure I'd either fire him or he would fire me! Somehow we made it through many of these. For me, I've often been convinced that he doesn't care, somehow we come back from the brink.

I'm sure you will do this anyways, but tell T the extent of how upset you are. Things may work out. However, if you never feel quite right with this T that could be a warning sign to find someone else.

[purplejell]

A week ago in my therapy session, I used almost the exact same wording as you. I told my T that I think therapy is a "Mind ****"... that it screws with your head. I know it is so hard to deal with the anger. It is good if you can try to repair it. For me, sometimes even after 5 years of working together, I feel like we can never fix it when things go wrong. I totally lose her as a safe person or someone that I trust. And then I'm amazed at how we work it out. I would tell your T what you are thinking and feeling and give it some time... you can always decide to quit later if you still want to when your emotions have calmed down a bit.

[Arha]

I don't know what your background is or what your needs are, but is it possible that a subtext to what she said, might be, "I want to help you to learn to rely on your own judgement, rather than need my validation."
Based on what you said, I can read it that way, but I am sorry if I am off in my interpretation. It is not an easy thing to have to do though, so I would understand anger and confusion as a reaction, whether this is what was meant or not.

[Favorite Jeans]

Depending on the context, that sentence can be pretty standard therapist stuff. "You don't know if I am telling the truth" sounds a lot like "you're not sure if you can believe/trust me" or "you worry that I can't understand you." Like T is trying to put into words what she believes your anxiety/insecurity/hesitation is about.
Eg she says "I don't believe you are a terrible person," registers the look on your face and says "you don't know if I am telling the truth." The point isn't that she is lying but that something is going on that prevents you from accepting that she is telling the truth. Of course she could then go on and on trying to convince you how great she thinks you are and that might feel good. But the salient point here is that you need to see and talk about what prevents you from believing her.
I'm totally inventing the context here. Can you give us more to go on? I think your feeling hurt is so important and needs discussing but the decision to terminate is a big deal. I think you should make sure you've understood her well first.

[0w6c379]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

...I question if my T truly cares about me...I do not know if I can trust her because she made this statement: "you don't really know if I am telling you the truth" instead of being compassionate and reassuring me that she was telling the truth. sorry this is so vague but honestly..I'm feeling done. I feel like I am being mind-fu****. I feel like I am being toyed with. I will also be honest and say that I am thoroughly pissed off right now. When one reaches the boiling point can it be repaired, rectified? I've never experienced this before so I'm not knowing what to do.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I'm in the midst of a breakdown in relations with my T too, so I understand how bad it feels. However, the statement you say you have trouble with "you don't really know if I am telling you the truth" would not cause me to leave. It sounds like your T was being honest with you. In reality we don't know who is telling us the truth at any given moment do we? I think it sounds like she was looking for your trust. Sure she could reassure you about whatever, but would you believe her reassurance? Maybe she was trying to make a point ? I don't even know what I'm getting at here but it sounds more like an honest statement rather than a lie. I think it needs more clarification from her and you should question her about it in your next session.

You ask "when one reaches the boiling point can it be repaired, rectified? I think that depends on your circumstances, which differ for all of us. It depends on your history with T, how much each of you want to work at your relationship and how badly you've been hurt. I'd say give it some time.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have had a lot of ruptures with my T over things he has said or done. He says ruptures are important. And they're going to happen, as your T is doomed not to always get it right.

It's hard when you see something as obviously, undoubtedly wrong - I know this feels wrong to you. But if my T said this, I would be happy that he didn't expect me to just magically trust him. That my trust is something to earn, not demand. You DON'T know your T is telling the truth as you're not psychic. You can, however, learn to trust and believe it.

That doesn't mean your feelings are 'wrong'. It means this is a trigger point for you. When I wish my T had been xyz and I feel he hasn't, I stop and ask myself what he should have said instead. Sometimes there's an answer. Sometimes nothing would be right.

In time perhaps you will be able to get to a point where you can say: "That's not helpful. I need reassurance."

It can be rectified and I personally have found the repairs to be some of the most healing moments in my therapy. I hope you can talk to your T.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by ShrinkPatient

I obviously don't know all your issues. I have been really angry with my therapist on three occasions. (After a tar and a half) I've had strong emotional feelings in regards to my T and our relationship and when I've discussed the issue with her it has strengthened our therapeutic relationship. For us, those strong feelings of anger or even moderate irritation, have led us to a deeper understanding of one another. Also, I usually gain a better understanding of myself because my anger I usually a result of my own insecurities.
That being said, I don't know if this of any help. I should also say that not every T is right for YOU as a client/patient. I would encourage you to discuss this thoroughly with your T, but if you can't gain some comfort or understanding then you may need a different T.../:

Hi,shrinkpatient
I was quite upset and disgusted when I posted last night..and I am still not feeling all warm and fuzzy inside but I know that I need to be strong and bring all of this to therapy next week and let T know exactly how I feel. Sometimes she feels like a blank slate, sometimes she feels warm..I feel connected to her. It is like a roller coaster so needless to say this therapy thing is tough. But I am vested in this..so we will see what next week brings...thanks for your support!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I've had ruptures so awful I thought for sure I'd either fire him or he would fire me! Somehow we made it through many of these. For me, I've often been convinced that he doesn't care, somehow we come back from the brink.

I'm sure you will do this anyways, but tell T the extent of how upset you are. Things may work out. However, if you never feel quite right with this T that could be a warning sign to find someone else.

Thanks, Growly
Yeah..I plan on bringing all of my feelings to the table next week...we will see what happens as a result. A little scary, ya know?

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by purplejell

A week ago in my therapy session, I used almost the exact same wording as you. I told my T that I think therapy is a "Mind ****"... that it screws with your head. I know it is so hard to deal with the anger. It is good if you can try to repair it. For me, sometimes even after 5 years of working together, I feel like we can never fix it when things go wrong. I totally lose her as a safe person or someone that I trust. And then I'm amazed at how we work it out. I would tell your T what you are thinking and feeling and give it some time... you can always decide to quit later if you still want to when your emotions have calmed down a bit.

Hi, Purplejell

"I totally lose her as a safe person or someone that I trust". ...BINGO!! This is how I feel...so much inconsistency..and I know a lot of it is my own insecurities, my issues. So I need to just bring it next week, be brave, and hope for the best!
Thanks for your words : )

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Hawkspur

I don't know what your background is or what your needs are, but is it possible that a subtext to what she said, might be, "I want to help you to learn to rely on your own judgement, rather than need my validation."
Based on what you said, I can read it that way, but I am sorry if I am off in my interpretation. It is not an easy thing to have to do though, so I would understand anger and confusion as a reaction, whether this is what was meant or not.

Hey, Hawkspur
I'm sorry for being so vague...I know that it is hard to really grasp what my issues are. When she said " You don't know if I am telling the truth or not" she was responding to me asking her if she did something on purpose or not, to which she replied that she didn't. I guess it was triggering for me..I dunno...sometimes therapy is too heady for me...but necessary.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Depending on the context, that sentence can be pretty standard therapist stuff. "You don't know if I am telling the truth" sounds a lot like "you're not sure if you can believe/trust me" or "you worry that I can't understand you." Like T is trying to put into words what she believes your anxiety/insecurity/hesitation is about.
Eg she says "I don't believe you are a terrible person," registers the look on your face and says "you don't know if I am telling the truth." The point isn't that she is lying but that something is going on that prevents you from accepting that she is telling the truth. Of course she could then go on and on trying to convince you how great she thinks you are and that might feel good. But the salient point here is that you need to see and talk about what prevents you from believing her.
I'm totally inventing the context here. Can you give us more to go on? I think your feeling hurt is so important and needs discussing but the decision to terminate is a big deal. I think you should make sure you've understood her well first.

sorry that I didn't give more details. what happened was my the client before me stayed in her office with her about three minutes into what should have been my time. This is the second time this has happened. She knew how upsetting this was for me yet it happened again. It was triggering. So she made reference to I may think that she is messing with me. I asked her if she was...she replied that she was not. That is when she made the comment that I have no idea if she is really being truthful. I know that it goes much deeper than the other client staying late. But none the less it was hurtful..I want therapy to be a place where I can feel safe. But I am finding out that there is a lot of work to be done and it is far from easy and it will hurt. It confuses me, enrages me, hurts me and totally messes with me. I am beginning to realize that being self aware takes a lot of work and means that I will experience pain and a bunch of other emotions. It is frightening.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Michelle25

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I'm in the midst of a breakdown in relations with my T too, so I understand how bad it feels. However, the statement you say you have trouble with "you don't really know if I am telling you the truth" would not cause me to leave. It sounds like your T was being honest with you. In reality we don't know who is telling us the truth at any given moment do we? I think it sounds like she was looking for your trust. Sure she could reassure you about whatever, but would you believe her reassurance? Maybe she was trying to make a point ? I don't even know what I'm getting at here but it sounds more like an honest statement rather than a lie. I think it needs more clarification from her and you should question her about it in your next session.

You ask "when one reaches the boiling point can it be repaired, rectified? I think that depends on your circumstances, which differ for all of us. It depends on your history with T, how much each of you want to work at your relationship and how badly you've been hurt. I'd say give it some time.

Hi, Michelle
Yes, maybe she was trying to make a point. But it is hard because I am finding that there is a lot of reading between the lines. It is mentally exhausting. Sometimes I wonder "am I not smart enough for this?" It almost feels like a game sometimes..and I know that sounds screwed up. I just wish that she would say what she needs to say ( I love that song by John Mayer ) Sometimes I ask myself what the hell am I doing? I spend my hard earned money to be emotionally tortured? But then I calm down and realize that this process is slow and probably going to be painful at times. What makes it harder is that my T has many boundaries... and I feel like I need more reassurance. So these are some of the things that I will need to bring to the table, so to speak when we meet next week.

[Favorite Jeans]

But I am finding out that there is a lot of work to be done and it is far from easy and it will hurt. It confuses me, enrages me, hurts me and totally messes with me. I am beginning to realize that being self aware takes a lot of work and means that I will experience pain and a bunch of other emotions. It is frightening.

Ain't that the truth!!
Good for you for bringing it up with her. That must have taken a lot of courage. I would have been pretty upset by having another client's session spill over onto my time but I'm not sure I could have brought it up. I'll know that I've come a long way when I can bring up something like that.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have had a lot of ruptures with my T over things he has said or done. He says ruptures are important. And they're going to happen, as your T is doomed not to always get it right.

It's hard when you see something as obviously, undoubtedly wrong - I know this feels wrong to you. But if my T said this, I would be happy that he didn't expect me to just magically trust him. That my trust is something to earn, not demand. You DON'T know your T is telling the truth as you're not psychic. You can, however, learn to trust and believe it.

That doesn't mean your feelings are 'wrong'. It means this is a trigger point for you. When I wish my T had been xyz and I feel he hasn't, I stop and ask myself what he should have said instead. Sometimes there's an answer. Sometimes nothing would be right.


In time perhaps you will be able to get to a point where you can say: "That's not helpful. I need reassurance."

It can be rectified and I personally have found the repairs to be some of the most healing moments in my therapy. I hope you can talk to your T.

Thanks, TinyRabbit
I always look forward to reading your posts..just resonates with me so thank you! I like what you said about just letting my T know that something is not helpful to me and that I need more reassurance. Getting more reassurance would most definitely help me through this process. My T has told me that it is her job to help me to feel safe, and that her office is a place for me to say whatever.. but quite honestly it doesn't always feel safe. This could be due to my issues, my insecurities, but she could be playing a role in this as well...who knows?
Trust is a BIG deal for me. And here I am, an adult ( for many years ; ) and I am just now figuring it out!! I'm like "wow, THAT is why I react the way I do"...one thing I DO know about myself is sometimes it takes me a long time to figure stuff out. It is very frustrating!

[purplejell]

Sometimes therapists make mistakes too... I always think it is 100% my fault for being screwed up, not trusting, etc. But remember that Ts are human too and might not always do things the best possible way. My T acknowledges this as well, and it makes me feel less like it's all on me, and more able to discuss things with her. I can still have a big reaction that is about past stuff when things hit me in a certain way, and it's good to look at that.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by purplejell

Sometimes therapists make mistakes too... I always think it is 100% my fault for being screwed up, not trusting, etc. But remember that Ts are human too and might not always do things the best possible way. My T acknowledges this as well, and it makes me feel less like it's all on me, and more able to discuss things with her. I can still have a big reaction that is about past stuff when things hit me in a certain way, and it's good to look at that.

Yes, I am learning that often times the way that I respond is about me, my experiences. And she has told me that there will be times that she will "blow it"...her words. I get that. Still...there are these intense feelings that are surfacing. I had them tucked away neatly for too long.