.
Unless there are big glaring boundary violations, how do you really know your T is right for you... especially if you are in Long-term therapy that could take years?

I don't really know. All I know is I am comfortable with mine, he stuffs up occasionally but these are minor things and he always works hard to correct these. No one is perfect. He is gentle when trying too broach painful subjects but can be firm when I am being a little pig-heaeded. He just feels right and safe.

You just know if you can talk openly, feel safe enough to broach difficult subjects. If you are able to laugh and cry together and if you feel like your t can help you and you both can work together to help you.

Me and my t just clicked right away somehow. I just trust her. Our personalities are similar, and we laughed at the same stuff, and when i told her some really embarassing stuff she totally understood and i felt safe with her. I just sort of...knew.i can tell her anything under the sun and i know she will not stop caring/ loving and wont judge me.

[growlycat]

For me, I feel that my T's genuinely care and truly are motivated to help me. I feel a sense of affection, care, protectiveness, safety, education, coaching, gentle challenging and collaboration.

When it HASN'T been right with a T/bad fit, I felt indifference from T, lack of warmth, lack of caring of how bad I felt, hostility, belligerence, resentment even cruelty.

With the T's I stuck with long-term, I honestly could tell almost immediately that it was going to work. There was that sense that they"got" me right away, and my comfort level with them was very natural. The T's I saw only a few times and ditched pretty quickly just didn't feel like my kind of people. I have no better way to explain that. I just have a comfort level with certain people that seems to work for me professionally, personally, and even in my T choices.

[tealBumblebee]

I always say how surprised I am that I didn't have to "shop around" for a T. But I was very specific in selecting her (beyond payment options, I looked at her photo on the site, her biography, some of her facebook pics even though they were like 4 years old, emailed her and spoke with her on the phone all before meeting her). And it just clicked. She's warm and understanding and accepting and honest - and I've seen a little hint of sass here and there too! Lol. What really made me feel like she was the right one for me was 1) her always replying (with more than one sentence) to my emails in a reasonable amount of time and 2) the way she handled me during my "shut down" session. She's a really awesome person and I just "knew" that she was the one to help me.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by Tollhouse

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Unless there are big glaring boundary violations, how do you really know your T is right for you... especially if you are in Long-term therapy that could take years?

He continually puts me first. He knows when to challenge me and when to support me. He genuinely understands me.

[Victoria'smom]

I didn't think this T was for me as she's so quite and calm. I didn't really talk that much and spent most of my time silent with one, two word answers. I was willing to talk about my family, my history, and how much I hated the mental health system and meds but I was not willing to talk about myself. Then one day I showed up terrified. She spent most of that session trying to find out what was wrong reassuring me I'm safe and trying to guess what was wrong. All I could do is shake my head yes or no.Finally she got me to say short word sets. She spent the rest of the session trying to see if I was safe, making a sooner appointment for pdoc. That was the day I learned to trust her with my life and health. If I didn't give her a chance (10 sessons) then I would not realise she could help me but she not parrticularly a person I'd hang out with. I'm completely confident that she cares and takes confidentiality serious.

I feel the only way to tell if your T and you click is when a crisis arises.

[Favorite Jeans]

In additon to what people have already said I think it's nice when things flow. You know how sometimes you meet someone (in any situation) and conversation goes smoothly, you're interested in their perspective and they seem interested in yours, you're not constantly trying to think of things to say or nodding politely when you're actually bored. It should feel that way with your T. That doesn't mean you'll never feel stuck or every cnersation will be easy but if you generally don't feel very engaged it's probably not a great fit.

[Hope-Full]

There was something on the phone when I first contacted T that sounded promising. I knew that this T was right for me when I found myself sharing more in my intake session than I had shared with previous Ts after months of work!

[content30]

For me, it was like my T and I "clicked," as others have said. It's a chemistry...like an "I could be friends with you if I met you in real life" kind of chemistry. Then, beyond that, she has an excellent demeanor, is non-judgmental, genuine, empathic, intelligent, and intuitive. I have done a 180 under her care. I just think she is fantastic...she really is great! I don't know if I'd be alive without her, tbh. She is the model for the kind if T I want to be!

[stopdog]

I don't know that she is. She is less offensive than I found some others to be and she does not have any stuffed animals in her office as far as I can tell. I have interviewed a lot of them and she was not the worst.

[photostotake]

I feel very safe with my t. He's created a very safe space for me to open up and share things I've never shared with anybody. I trusted him almost immediately. He also tells me like it is, instead of skirting around the issues. He's kind of a smartasss and we laugh together almost every session, which is much appreciated. Plus, he has shown that he truly cares about me and my well being with both his words and his actions. I feel very lucky to have my t.

Can I just add I didn't trust my T at first but he was way easier to talk to than the others.

[Miswimmy1]

I think its one of those things that you just *know*. It feels right. You develop a connection. You trust them.

[feralkittymom]

This question is a bit like asking "How do you know it's love?"

I'm not sure it's possible to know with certainty for the long term. I think it can be possible to know with a fair degree of certainty about the now.

And like many others have said, sensing the now is "right" provides the foundation to build a relationship over time. That was my experience, and @ 30 years later, it's different, but still "right."

But I can also see where some may not have developed the ability to trust their perceptions for a variety of reasons. In that case I think it's even more important to pay attention to now: your level of anxiety or calm in the moment; the reasonableness of whatever response your T gives; the behaviors your T exhibits--is he actively listening to you, does he remember what you say, does he show an awareness of your feelings, does he show you respect? How are your confidences received? Does he seem to intuit your feelings or thoughts?

What do you observe about his interactions with others--office staff, other clients, etc?

All of these things (and more) will tell you a lot about your T's character and abilities. You can use this info to extend trust, building a base of relationship that can then develop on its own terms. At some point, you may feel "this is right" or something may change and you may feel "this isn't it." And then you engage that feeling, hopefully together, and find a way to make it right. And making it right may involve seeking out someone new. No guarantees, just process.

[SkinnySoul]

I'm surprised that nobody has mentioned making actual progress with whatever you're dealing with, as an indicator of how right your T is for you.
Is it because you make progress with all your Ts? 'Cause, well... I don't.
To me this is the most important criterium to whether it's a good fit or not.

[feralkittymom]

I didn't mention progress simply because it's often not reflected accurately by feelings. It's difficult to assess progress objectively except in hindsight, unless the goal is a very concrete one--like a phobia.

[Perna]

I think it depends on what you want and how you work; I think one could work with just about anyone, depending on one's perspective. We can learn from any experience, just depends on one's own interests and mindset.

I wasn't sure of my T at first, but then she "did" something that wowed me and I made a personal resolution inside to work as hard as I could and did that for the next 25+ years (1978-2005) using that incident to help motivate and anchor me.

[SkinnySoul]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I didn't mention progress simply because it's often not reflected accurately by feelings. It's difficult to assess progress objectively except in hindsight, unless the goal is a very concrete one--like a phobia.

Aha. I know what you mean. Defining progress is confusing...
I'm bulimic, depressed and push people away(to begin with). The first two are worse but I've made some progress relating to people. So my health is worse, my relationships are getting better. Is that progress? Sometimes I think it is, as it is very deep work, but others, I think of my health and freak out.
I guess you/I can't make progress in all areas at the same time. But I can't decide if this is my T's "fault" or mine.

[feralkittymom]

Maybe it isn't a "fault" at all, but just part of the process?

[SkinnySoul]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Maybe it isn't a "fault" at all, but just part of the process?

Wow, thanks for that, it really gave me the answer I was looking for!

My issues can't go away on their own, my life has to change. If I get to the point were my relationships are fulfilling and my life is satisfying, then I'll have no reason to pick food or happy pills over people!
But, off course, the human brain resists to change, so the closer I get to satisfying relationships, the worse my symptoms are; it's my resistance mode. Finally, it all makes sense!

Oops, seems like I had a Rantanplan moment over here. I might as well faint now.
Thank you, feralkittymom!

[tinyrabbit]

How do you define progress? Sometimes things have to get worse before they better. For therapy to do real work, this is the case for many people. You don't necessarily just go there and feel steadily better.

I think my T is right for me because I have complex PTSD and lots of somatic issues so it's a happy accident that I stumbled on a relational body psychotherapist. Because we get each other's sense of humour, he makes me laugh and he finds my jokes funny. Because he understands and accepts that trusting him is a process, not a given. Because he sticks around no matter how difficult I am. Because he has made it feel safe to tell him shameful things.

And because, when I yelled in his face that I hated him and to go f*** himself, stormed across the room and hid under a blanket, he came over and gently tucked in the blanket. That's when I knew beyond all doubt that I had a great T.