Does my T really care?

Or are they just taught to be compassionate? Is it over-stepping the line if they were to really care?
And how can you tell if you actually are more than patient? Are we ever more than just a number?
My T said to me last session that if I need support, I must reach out and ask her, because she wants to help. I guess this goes quite a bit beyond the "call of duty", but I'm just anxious that this caring relationship is a farce and I may as well be talking to a computer of stuffed teddy.
I don't know why it has suddenly become such a big thing, but I think it is going to interfere in my therapy, because I don't see much point in opening up to a "teddy bear". It seems like a waste of time.
Yes - in case it's not obvious, I have abandonment issues. I have kind of written about these feelings to my T in an email last week, and she said we'd talk about it in session on Wednesday.
I appreciate your thoughts and support

I could so have written your post. Rather than telling me she cares I think she tries to demonstrate it in other ways such as encouraging me to reach out. She is on holiday at the moment and said I could email still any time and even text if I really needed it. (I won't!)
She often asks me what i can see in her eyes or what I feel but I find this so hard. I think I sometimes hurt her in being honest and saying I can't feel anything but I think she prefers honesty to lying.
This is a bit garbled and I expect others will give you much better answers, but I think this is something that a lot of us are dealing with. Don't be afraid to bring it up, but in my case there has been no quick fix but I am gradually working through it and sometimes do feel she cares. You've already started with the email so good luck.
I'm not sure if all t's care for all clients, but I think if you have a good relationship then they do. That's why most of them go into it in the first place. I hope this is of some help.

A lot of us have a twisted idea of what caring is and what it should look like.
That's been a learning curve for me. Painful but in the end rewarding. It's actually more painful to live in delusion then reality.
Yes many T's care. They want to help us heal and live fulfilling life's. but no they do not wish to take us home and adopt us.
Over time the wanting to help us becomes the right amount of caring. As we grow we are able to meet out needs so the amount of outside caring we thought we need changes.
We tend at first to think in "either/or" terms. That changes too as we grow.

How we think and feel and our past experiences and responses are always going to be with us. If we are anxious, have abandonment issues, etc. then we are always going to have to deal with those.

I had quite successful therapy, 20+ years of it and I still worry but I'm able to talk to and reason with my worry now and often am able to either nip it in the bud (what does that even mean? I don't want to "nip" a rose in the bud do I?) or argue with it, remember other incidents similar to it and other conversations and bring it around or work with it so it is not so big an issue.

My T taught me that we only have words with each other, she and I; we had to make the relationship work with our words. There was a relationship, the relationship cannot be fake because I paid her and she accepted my payment, used my payment to help build her own life, and we both showed up according to the rules we made and we both worked on my issues; listening to them, trying to understand them, trying to make sense of them and help me use them in my current life.

That's the other thing I learned in therapy; we only have now. We cannot change what happened to us in the past, we cannot know the future. One thing I did for myself was realize that worry is about the future, what might happen and, since my thoughts on that were all mine, I might as well think up a good future as a bad one? I might as well think T will work with me and help me until I am better able to work on my own as think she will suddenly abandon me?

Have you ever thought deeply about that abandonment fear? I wrote a poem about it once and tried to imagine it; T leaving in mid-sentence? Just getting up and leaving. That is abandonment. What we think abandonment is, what we imagine for ourselves is truly only our imagination. If you think about it, right now T is working with us, as engaged as we are for that therapy session. No, she's not as engaged as we are before and after, she cannot be, she has to be in her own life! Sure, occasionally she is thinking of us, is reminded of us or reads something that sparks her thought and she gets an idea of what might help us. My two best friends from high school (we graduated in 1968) are thousands of miles from me but I still think of them occasionally, wonder how they're doing, if they have the aches and pains I do or what their experience is like. Another woman I went to high school with I was best friends with when we were 5-8 (I moved). I think of her too and of how, when we were in high school and had a first meeting since our childhood, she confessed she did not remember our childhood. I got caught in a rip tide when I was 13 and it was those childhood thoughts flashing through my mind (as in you're gonna die!) that probably saved me, helped me stay calm?

So? Thoughts and memories are all different and unique. You are the only one in your life, living it and the experience can be shared but not really known by anyone except yourself. But sharing the experience and being heard and listening to others' shared experiences is all we have? T is experiencing us in therapy and we are experiencing T. It is different types of experiences being shared but the sharing is valuable because that is what is similar, that is what is making the relationship.

It is not that your T is compassionate and wants to help that is important but that she is sharing that with you. That she is reaching out to you and wants you to reach back, to connect.

I've told the story before of a session where I was talking about my huge yard at my old house and how the bushes and landscaping was getting out of control and making me anxious. I bought a chainsaw:



and a weed whacker and hedge clipper, etc. but I was afraid of them, of mixing the gas and oil needed for the 2-stroke engine, of doing it wrong and of going into the dark and dank shed where the old mixtures were stored that had black widow spiders and worse in it, so I never used the machines and felt guilty for spending all that money. I talked on and on and the end of the session came and just before I got up to leave, my non-native to the US therapist asked, "What's a weed whacker?" Had she not understood what I was talking about? But my mind flashed to the quality of her listening and I gave her credit. The experience didn't really matter, she had been listening hard to me and wanted to hear my experience, to feel my anxiety, my stress, to share it with me. I am not alone, there is another person there. I can do this, live my life.

Thanks so much for your time.
Wow Perna; a lot to think about. That's deep

I like Perna's answer!

The other thing I think about is this:

T chose to make a living by being a T.

I did not choose that and I care plenty about others. If I saw someone suffering, my heart would ache for this person. I have this capability and yet I choose to make money by working in a "non-caring" field. (My work is more science and numbers based.)

So, if I can feel caring toward others, imagine how much more a T can feel this since he or she chose to make a living by caring! This person naturally has a heart for other people and chose to get advanced training (going into student debt, most likely) and do all this clinical interning and then, day after day, dedicating his or her life toward caring for other people.

I think T's are generally warm and compassionate people. They are also fascinated by the human condition. And they have a choice every morning whether to show up for work or just blow it off.

Sometimes on a nice day, I take a personal day. I blow off work. I don't do it often. Maybe once per year. But there is not a big consequence to me doing that. I simply miss work and my co-workers say, "See you in 48 hours."

But a T can't do this. He or she can't be like, "Oh, it's a sunny summer afternoon and I'm going to take a personal afternoon to myself." They can't because they chose to work in a field where someone else is dependent upon them.

Showing up consistently means that T cares. He or she could not show up. T could let his own issues get in the way. (My ex-T did exactly this and did abandon me. So I know that ex-T did NOT care, but I didn't have to wonder about it. His actions of not showing up spoke louder than his words.)

And if T takes pride in his or her work, you can bet that in his off hours, T is thinking about how to better help you. "What could I have done differently? How can I do better to help this patient?"

So yes, your T cares.

Another thing I struggled with was the question of: "My T says that she is on my side. But she's only on my side because I walked in that door and I am paying her. I didn't do anything to EARN having her on my side."

And then it hit me: This is what therapy is FOR.

I didn't have that as an adolescent! No one was on my side just because I was there. Just because I am me and I exist and I deserve to have people in my corner. I had to earn affection and caring the whole way, and this is why I'm in therapy now. So, it's ok to just accept that T is there for you and is on your side for no other reason than that you are the client who happened to show up.

I really envy people who have parents who love them simply because that's what parents were supposed to do. The parents love the children, even when the children screw up. The children get cared for, even as adults, just for being who they are. I don't have this.

But it's T's job to care and listen and T's go into that profession because they have the ability and DESIRE to perform this role with other humans. So, T performs his or her role and we get to benefit. It sucks that we have to pay for it, but it doesn't make it less real.

And in some ways, I think my T listens better to me than to her own children because there is an end in sight and because T takes pride in her work and in doing a good job. I admire this in a T.

I want a T to care for me more than just the patient that helps her pay her bills.
I think I am, but I just am a bit insecure

Wow, I really like this. Thank you.

My former t displayed all the things I needed, then turned them off like faucet.
I hate myself for not seeing her manipulation.
I have cut myself and punched and slapped my face for hours because of it.
I hate everything about me now.

Trust for me is never an option again.
IMO no therapist should ever be trusted.

Your call though. Good luck.

im just wondering why are you on a forum for support for those who are in therapy clearly it must be hard for you to get the support you are seeking among people who are trying hard to make therapy work. just wondering .

I would really like to hope that my T cares at least on a basic level.

Well, I don't know your T. So, I can't answer for you. I can tell you that my current and best T cares. I can tell that she cares deeply for me. She has shown me by several gestures, like calling me while she was on vacation and I was inpatient. She is definitely caring and compassionate. She has had tears of sorrow and empathy in her eyes when I have told her stories of my past. Most of all, she is very genuine. If she doesn't care, then she is the best actress in the world and ought to quit her day job and move to Hollywood!

Does your T seem genuine and empathic? Has she given you a reason not to trust her? If she has helped you, seems genuine, seems like she cares, and has not shown you otherwise, then I'd assume that your T cares.

When I was 6 years old my mother and my step father had 2 marriage counselors come to the house. Mysef and my 2 brothers were asked to go upstairs into our bedroom and play while they talked.
I stayed in the next room eavesdropping.
One of the marriage counselors was a man( good looking and young).
The other marriage counselor was a woman. She was very beautiful and had red hair.
After a couple of minutes the man ask my father to look my mother in the eye and tell her that you love her.He forced the words out. The woman asked my mother to do the same thing was about as much enthusiasm as my stepfather, she did.
I I remember being in the other room and thinking this will never work.
no one in my house uses the word love there was no touching allowed.
a minute later and ended up in the worse fight you could imagine between the two of them.
even the marriage counselors started fighting with them and each other.
Iwent upstairs to closet filled with winter jackets that muffled out the sounds of yelling.
After 15 minutes the female counselor came to the room I was in and found me in the closet.
She would not come in but instead coaxed me out by smiling at me through the jackets.
I came out and for 5 minutes explained the dynamics of the abuse in our family. I spoke like an adult and she even pointed that out to me.
She looked me square in the eye and said, "You don't have to worry anymore. I'm going to help you and your family to be happy again."
"You're going to live a happy life." Then she smiled at me and something within relaxed. I smiled also.
She went back downstairs to the kitchen where they were talking in a minute later my father was escorting them to the door.
I I was looking through the spindles on our staircase just willing her to look back at me.
She walked out my front door my father shut the door behind her.
I sat on those steps looking through those spindles willing her to come back. I set there for an hour and a half. afterwards I went back up into the bedroom, back in the closet I slept there all night.
I never saw her again.
I swore to myself the next day that the next time a counselor wants me to come out the closet
, they were going to have to come in after me.
my former therapist coaxed me out of that closet by pretending to care.
Now I'm in a closet with no doors.

I I know a lot of people in here don't think I really care. I just
don't want anyone else to end up where I'm at.

My t cares. She told me once that although i pay her for her time, thats must money for her brain and her knowledge. Her heart is not for sale. I cant pay for her love, she gives that free. She also proves it time and time again such as saying i love you, making extra long sessions when i have needed them(like five hours long a few times), she invited me to come visit her and i went to see her last year for a week (she is out of the country for a family emergency). She does other things that prove she cares also.

maybe someday instead of trying to get us to see how horrible T is you could maybe work on being able to have some doors on that closet .it seems that you may sometime want to try T again.

I think all therapists go into the profession because they have this want to care for people and help people. I think that the therapist cares for their clients. I really do. It's how they show it and whether or not its appropriate that makes the difference.

My T cares. She has shown me. Doing such things as fitting me into the schedule, dealing with unlimited texting from me, called to check in sometimes during rough patches. When I couldn't go in for 3 weeks in a row do to her being away, then my own scheduling issue during a job change and then car trouble she told me she will miss me. She always puts emojis or hearts at the end of her texts.

If you are questioning or want more, reflect back on your therapy, the things T has done and even the things she/he hasn't done and I'm sure you will find something to hold onto. That usually helps me when I question that I'm just a pay check.

Just my 2 cents

These are my experiences and they're different.
There will be no doors..

Thank you,Perna....your timing is perfect for me

I think those of us who have issues with abandonment, rejection and/or emotional deprivation go into therapy expecting to be seen in a negative light, to be not-cared-for. We think: who would care for us, why would a T care, why should a T care?

We don't believe a T could care about all their clients because we think we're not worth caring about, or that we shouldn't expect caring, so it's surely not possible for them to care as a fundamental base point, as ground zero. We interpret and react to the world as wounded children and expect that to be how the world is - because it's how it's been for us.

This! Exactly this! I talked to my T about this a few weeks ago - about how my parents didn't do their job, I couldn't just show up and expect things from them. Therapy is the same, I'm supposed to just show up and expect things, but I believe I can't, I shouldn't.

How do I know MY therapist cares? I believe he does, I trust that he does, I have learned that he does, from his words and his actions. No disrespect to Starry_Night, but I don't believe that comes through stretching the boundaries.

I knew my T cared when I ripped him to shreds (I kept criticising him, throwing tantrums, really I was trying to tell him: I'm hurt, I'm fragile, I'm frightened) and his reaction was to tell me I need someone to trust, but I don't have a template for that, I haven't had a good-enough anything. He said: "I hold your hand such a lot in here, in my mind." That's when I truly started to believe it.

So I thanked him for not dropping me when I gave him the opportunity to and he shook his head, wouldn't accept my thanks. He said: "You need to matter more to yourself."

Which I think is the answer to these questions of whether or why a T cares. You need to matter more to yourself. You need to expect to matter and to be cared for. Hopefully your T will help with that.

Thanks Rabbit. You are right. I need to find self-worth and believe I am worth living from others too.
My T has never done anything to make me distrust her. But I consider trust and caring 2 pretty different things. I believe I can trust her. But it's the caring part that's tricky. And it is most likely because it's not something I'm too used to, and doubt many people would spend their time worrying about me

Really it's like asking: why do my parents love me when I just happened to be born to them and not someone else? Except if you have these issues you probably struggle more with questions about what's wrong with you and why you're not good enough for your parents.

Your doubts are something your T can help with. Because they follow a view of the world that can be challenged. I care about you, having read your posts, but you probably won't believe me.