[purple orchid]

Hi everyone,
I was just wondering, has anyone managed to develop a "normal" friendship with their T after therapy has ended.

[Syra]

I tried it once. It didn't work. the imbalance in knowledge about the other is soooooo great.

I have maintained a connection and relationship with someone similar to a T, but it has never been a peer-like friendship, although I have learned more about her as the years have gone on. But it took years!!. even decades. In the meantime, it was a nice relationship. but it wasn't a peer friendship

[elaygee]

We have the same avatar
I have a friendship with my T. But I'm not sure it's "normal". Still has a lot of boundaries because of how we began...

[content30]

Ahhh...part of me really wishes this could happen, but I know it's for the best that it does not happen. You may have a couple people on here say yes. However, please know that almost every therapist will not do this and that it is frowned upon. The T relationship is very unnatural and unbalanced and only really works in the confines of therapy...but not so much in the real world.

[RTerroni]

I think you should wait a while (1 year minimum) my last Therapist I know has a Facebook page and I am thinking about sending her a message to see if she wants to re-connect to hear about how I am doing with my current Therapist (maybe even paying the $1 to make sure it goes to her Inbox) but since it hasn't been a year yet I haven't really thought about it.

I used to wish this could happen but now I think, no thanks. I feel nice and comfy and safe when SHE'S attuning to me, and knowing I don't have to do it back! I do to some extent anyway, and try to take care of her where I can and where she will allow, but she'll always be "just" my therapist and that's exactly how I want it...all other transferences aside...

[mixedup_emotions]

I haven't gotten to that point yet. But T has told me that I am someone that he could see being friends with and has encouraged me at points in time to work with him on some of his other projects outside of the T setting. So far, I haven't entertained those avenues because I fear how it will impact the client/T relationship. He also recently suggested that I quit T and work with him on yet another side venture.

After our last rupture when I became more aware of how others at his office view him and witnessed some of his "stuff", I'm less interested in the idea.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I haven't gotten to that point yet. But T has told me that I am someone that he could see being friends with and has encouraged me at points in time to work with him on some of his other projects outside of the T setting. So far, I haven't entertained those avenues because I fear how it will impact the client/T relationship. He also recently suggested that I quit T and work with him on yet another side venture.

After our last rupture when I became more aware of how others at his office view him and witnessed some of his "stuff", I'm less interested in the idea.

Quick side note, MUE, suggesting a client quit therapy to engage in a different sort of a relationship with the client is a breach of the ethics code in every State that I know of.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Quick side note, MUE, suggesting a client quit therapy to engage in a different sort of a relationship with the client is a breach of the ethics code in every State that I know of.

Which is why they require a "cool down" period of at least a year.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, MKAC.

I didn't think much of his suggestion because it wasn't a viable one for me. We were brainstorming career paths - and he suggested that I get a certain type of certification, quit T and then help him launch this side thing that he's working on.

If he was suggesting it as a way to only benefit him, I probably would have been more affected by it. But since he was ultimately suggesting it to benefit me and help me in some way with choosing a path and making forward progress, I was less affected.

Our state has no 'cool down' period for business relationships, etc. Just romantic ones. It is the suggesting that the client quit to start the new relationship that is unethical.

I have remained friends with my first T. He was my therapist while in college. When I graduated, I moved on and we stayed in touch, purely as friends after that (it's been almost 30 years now; I'm getting old). It only worked because he and I were long distance, so it is only a few times a year we get in touch. I also never expected him to relate to me in any professional/therapy way after I left the university; I knew that was not possible. We keep touch about family, children, our professional lives, etc., but only a few times a year via phone or email. I think it would be mostly unrealistic to expect anything more than that.

[boredporcupine]

I am still in touch with my former T occasionally via email, and I've even considered asking her to get coffee or something in a few months, when it will have been 2 years since I was her client. Just to chat and catch up. But I don't expect to really be "friends" because we are in very different places in our lives.

One member of a group I'm involved in happens to be a T. In real life she is no different from anyone else except she will say nerdy stuff sometimes like "that is really aversive!" She gossips about people and sometimes jumps to conclusions just like anyone else would (not that she's mean, just that she is human). One time I was sitting next to her and one of her close friends at a group event. Her friend was going on and on obsessing about how anxious she was. The T just sat there next to her neurotically anxious friend and didn't say anything to her at all! I was the one who wound up trying to encourage and reassure the T's friend. Pretty funny if you ask me...

Anyway, there is not much point in that except to say that having a good T is very, very special. Being friends with someone who happens to be a T is not much different than being friends with anybody else.

[RTerroni]

You guys (and gals) are really giving me good points to consider and that it might be a good idea to get back in touch with my former Therapist. I am still going to wait until at least a year after our last session (which hasn't come up yet).

[stopdog]

I did it with the first therapist I ever saw. It was not a big deal one way or the other. It is not like she was super friend or magically interesting or anything. And it probably helped that I had my group of regular friends already. I would see her once or twice a month and we shared a hobby and some interests. I have not done it with the one I only saw for a few months, nor do I have any desire to do it with the ones I see now.

[allme]

Simply IMO not a good idea...it would never be a 'real' friendship IMO - I think it would only end badly....

[with or without you]

it depends on the T. The first one I saw left the agency she worked at around 8 months after I started seeing her. I was a kid (18) and wrote her letters from time to time to tell her how I was doing, and she wrote a short note back a few times. Last year I terminated with a therapist after 11 years. She said that the relationship cannot continue after the therapy, and I respected that. I have no contact with her. However, she also told me that if we had met each other under a circumstance other than therapy, I was someone she would have as a friend. That was something she totally did not have to say...it was very kind.

[rainbow8]

I know my T will never allow us to be friends after therapy. That's hard to face because I feel like she's a friend or a very close relative. I WISH we could be friends but I also know it wouldn't work. We will probably have to come to some agreement about contact when I terminate therapy in March. I'm hoping I can still see her once a month but when I tried that with my former T it didn't help. It seems so unfair to cut off the relationship! Yes, I know she's my T and I pay her, but as hard as I tried, I could never think of her as just my T. I will miss her terribly. She says I will have her in my heart but I want her alive in front of me, not only in my heart.

[Jdog123]

My second to last T and I exchange emails about 4-5 times per year now (5 years after we ended our work - the first year it was more often). I also saw her a couple of times when I went back to visit where she lives and if I return again I'll see her again. But I still don't consider her a "friend." It's not therapy, though the conversation mostly remains on how I'm doing, without asking for advice - she'll write a line or 2 about herself. I like our relationship as she was an important person in my growth and I'm glad to keep up the connection--she's said that she feels the same way.

My current T, whom I've worked with for longer and have become closer to, has said that our relationship will look something like that with my previous T. I don't know if we'll be "friends", but I know that we will keep in touch somewhat regularly (she's in her late 50s and nearing retirement--husband is almost 10 years older--and they're looking at moving out of the country at least for a bit). But friends? I don't think so--I know that the relationship would be too imbalanced. But it will be a special sort of relationship; that I'm certain of (and we have talked about it).

[unaluna]

Being friends with t now is kinda part of my therapy. We talk about food fairly often. I recently told him about a blue cheese coleslaw I had, and that a local grocery store had turkey bacon bits that I thought were pretty good. So this week he tells me he found the bacon bits right where I said they would be and that he made the coleslaw. I'm flattered that he takes my culinary advice. My family of origin wont eat my cooking, they make fun of it, and accuse me of trying to poison them, or one-up them. So for t to just treat me normally in this arena is very healing. Then again, it feels like our real selves interacting. Like we're being friends. So I dont get the emphasis or distinction between t now and t later. It's always the same people involved. Nothing magic is going to happen in x amount of time of being apart, imo.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I know my T will never allow us to be friends after therapy. That's hard to face because I feel like she's a friend or a very close relative. I WISH we could be friends but I also know it wouldn't work. We will probably have to come to some agreement about contact when I terminate therapy in March. I'm hoping I can still see her once a month but when I tried that with my former T it didn't help. It seems so unfair to cut off the relationship! Yes, I know she's my T and I pay her, but as hard as I tried, I could never think of her as just my T. I will miss her terribly. She says I will have her in my heart but I want her alive in front of me, not only in my heart.

I know what you mean, Therapists can become very close to your heart almost like a family member (more than a family member in my case since I rarely associate with most people in my family for reasons that are too complicated to get into on here), which I believe in a "cool down" period after you end Therapy and before you try to re-connect.

[feralkittymom]

I think blanket statements either way are meaningless. It depends on the T, the client, the therapy relationship and progress, the transference, each others' stage of life. I will say I gave no thought at all to continued contact while I was in therapy.

I've known my T for @ 30 years now. I was in my early 30's when we met. Had I been 18, maybe it would be different, but I came to him as an adult. We had a long and productive therapy relationship. I never suffered from any of the early dyadic disorders that complicate the ability to form and sustain relationships. He was forced due to ill health to retire during our therapy, and so we faced together the possibility of his death. Transference was fully resolved, and our relationship had normalized by the time he retired. As a therapist and person, his boundaries are very secure and intact. As are mine.

Our contact was sporadic for years. For much of the time, we've lived half a world away, and arranged meetings--like for lunch--have been rare. Contact has lapsed for periods of time over the years. In the last year we've reconnected, bringing highly emotional events from our lives. There are feelings of mutual support, but I would characterize them as boundaried. We don't relate as T/client, nor as peer friends. But nevertheless, the connection is warm and authentic, comforting and meaningful for both of us.

I suspect that the experiencing of the relationship as unequal by the T or the client because of the one--sided nature of therapy would be a good indication that pursuing a post therapy relationship is not a good idea.

[SoupDragon]

For me part of therapy is learning to deal with endings and acceptance that nothing lasts forever, I would see the termination of my T relationship as part of this learning- of course I guess there are also T's who struggle with the very same issues.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

For me part of therapy is learning to deal with endings and acceptance that nothing lasts forever, I would see the termination of my T relationship as part of this learning- of course I guess there are also T's who struggle with the very same issues.

I agree and I know ts who struggle with termination just as much as we do. The get attached and grow fond of some of their clients too but as we came to them for their proffessional help having a friendship with them could cause a lot of unseen problems, then again it might not. I suppose it depends on the t and the client but from my own experience I have problems with endings so I came to t to try make them easier.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

Being friends with t now is kinda part of my therapy. We talk about food fairly often. I recently told him about a blue cheese coleslaw I had, and that a local grocery store had turkey bacon bits that I thought were pretty good. So this week he tells me he found the bacon bits right where I said they would be and that he made the coleslaw. I'm flattered that he takes my culinary advice. My family of origin wont eat my cooking, they make fun of it, and accuse me of trying to poison them, or one-up them. So for t to just treat me normally in this arena is very healing. Then again, it feels like our real selves interacting. Like we're being friends. So I dont get the emphasis or distinction between t now and t later. It's always the same people involved. Nothing magic is going to happen in x amount of time of being apart, imo.

I understand because I feel that way about my T, especially having spent last session comparing notes on our travels! But, when we aren't paying our Ts and seeing them for a session, it won't be the same. We can't talk for an hour to them then, without paying for it. Probably emailing is an option, but that's not like sitting there in the session. Do you see what I mean? I think the relationship HAS to change when we're not in regular therapy anymore, but I think we can still be close to our Ts. It will be our real selves interacting, like you say, but it won't be as often. At least not for me. Maybe it will be different for you.