This class is forced group therapy

I think this is a really moving story and it's a shame you don't feel able to tell it. How to make it easier to explain? You could talk about how it was the only thing you wouldn't be criticised for without going into further details. That it gave you more social confidence and helped you gain respect - that it helped you find your own unique selling point. I know it's triggering you, and I totally understand why you don't want to talk about this stuff, but I think people would really respect what you have to say here.

You could even say something like: "I find it hard to talk about some of the reasons why I became a musician, what music means to me and why it's such an important part of my life. That's what music has done for me - given me a voice without needing words. I may not be able to talk about my answers to all these questions, but I can find refuge in music." Or something like that.

When I went back to university I was required to take a writing class. The first 10 minutes of every class we had to free write for 10 minutes about whatever was on our minds and hand it in. I was always very conciously filtering my thoughts and this activity really bothered me.

Later in the year we had to write a paper on the topic of a time when we experienced a loss. The only thing I could think of was about the only person I have ever felt truly safe with and accepted by. She had moved away, ran into some personal and financial trouble, and I had lost contact. I was apprehensive turning it in, but I did it. The next week she handed them all back and told us to trade with another person in the class so they could read it. I felt really betrayed that she didn't outline who would be reading it beforehand. That was over 10 years ago now and I still feel panicky thinking about it.

I took a class called "trans studies" at a time when I was struggling with gender identity. The class was a lot of sharing, personal, crying, etc. "discussions" were where almost the entire grade was. I wrote the professor a letter explaining my concerns and where I was at. I never spoke once in the whole class, because I was too terrified to. But the prof. Have me an "A" anyway. If I were you I would talk to the professor (in person or in writing) and explain how difficult it is to do these assignments because of your history/emotions/mental health. Maybe you can engage in a non-public way, or not at all an still pass.

If the point is for the students to express emotion to make better music. Maybe there is a different way you can do that.

Good luck

I do too.

It is a testament to your resilience and resourcefulness that, as young as you were, you found and persistently cultivated a way to escape, to protect yourself, to outsmart the abusers.

Maybe, over the course of the term, you will find ways to say important parts of your story.

I'm sorry about your class. I know how it can trigger things, I took graduate classes that required the same level of exposure. At first I lied! It's none of their business. If they had asked about a perfect childhood, I would say I would be boring now, and certainly would lack empathy. I wouldn't wish a perfect childhood on anyone, only an overall happy one." Just be creative if you don't want to share. If you can, tell the truth, it is so freeing, and you will be surprised by the love, support and understanding that can result. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself anyway you need to.

Maybe not ptsd, but c-ptsd? That's chronic little traumas, like constant criticisms and fears etc. That would kinda explain your nightmares - those aren't from adhd. Anyway, lots of good stuff discussed in this thread I think. Some of your questions might even make good threads for us, altho I'm not sure your prof would appreciate it.

I mean, I could share my real story. If I didn't have to share it to the class, I might consider it. I just feel really awkward doing so. It just feels like something that I shouldn't share in that setting. It just feels off. Then again, I previously felt like sharing my real story to anyone is inappropriate. Now I've managed to open up to my T, some friends, my teacher, a dean, and people on the internet. And nothing negative happened. Everyone was accepting and supportive. Maybe as time continues, I'll continue to feel more and more safe to open up about my life... but a public classroom setting like feels really bizarre and not okay. I do better talking about this when every person who I tell gives me direct feedback and is accepting. I would be terrified that someone in the back of the room would be judging me if I told this story in class. I could maybe tell parts of it. I wrote an essay when I was 12 talking about a very minimal part of what music means to me dealing with bullying and it was very very well received. It won some statewide awards. I just feel more inhibited now for some reason. Probably because of 8 more years of abuse.

PTSD/c-PTSD I don't really know which. I do get triggered a lot, I do have flashbacks both in my sleep and when awake. It's not extremely important to me.

I've actually thought about posting some of the questions as threads because they are extremely good questions. I haven't yet though because for some reason it makes me feel weird. Maybe I will like next semester or something.

One idea I have is that you may be able to work with disability services using documentation from a care provider and take the class as an independent study, constructing the outline one-on-one with your dean, and then deciding from there who would over see the class, work, assignments, etc.

To me, that seems a reasonable accomodation- you would still take the class, need to do the meat of the required work, be held accountable but not be forced to do something that is unreasonable or unnecessary?

If you think this may work for you,
maybe talk about this with your therapist, schedule this with someone from disability services and get their view on it?

There is no disability services department or whatever you are talking about at my school. Even if it were, my only official diagnosis is ADHD because my T doesn't have the qualifications to officially diagnose me. I think I'll have to just suffer through the class and try not to hurt myself mentally and physically too badly.

Yeah, it would probably be better if you could get an official diagnosis I guess, although I think it's up to the people in charge of this on your campus whether they require an official diagnosis or not. Even if there's no disability office, they legally have to have a way of doing accommodations. Maybe your t would know who is in charge of it or how you get started. As you said, maybe faking it in the class would be the best approach for now, since you have so much other stuff to talk to your t about that's more important, and you're probably too busy to sort out the university bureaucracy immediately, but maybe you can try to find out how it works so that you can get accommodations as soon as you can get to it.