[HealingTimes]

I am not sure if this is a silly question really, as maybe it's a given that all Ts lie to their clients?
Is it a known/obvious thing and i have only just cottoned on to it, or do most people NOT think that their T lies to them?

In todays (rubbish and waste of time) session i got the feeling that my T felt sympathy for a certain person i speak about. She knows i wouldn't like it if she did feel that way, so i said " you feel sorry for her and feel sympathy, don't you?" and my T went on about how she didn't feel sympathy for this person and that as my T her emotional loyalty is with me blah blah blah etc etc...(i didnt really listen to the rest of it because i was so p!$$ed off)..but i know she is lying to me! Why not just be honest with me and say that she DID feel sympathy?

My T knows that i value honesty above all else, so why would she lie to me? To make me feel secure? To want to be seen as 'on my side'? I dont need that cr@p, i need her to be honest!

[kirby777]

Yes. I do think she is lying about me to me. She thinks I am better...I am because of the Cymbalta. I advised her of this. I think that she wants credit...Sorry....100% medication related. We have not discussed SO MANY things, how can it be her???

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

My T knows that i value honesty above all else, so why would she lie to me? To make me feel secure? To want to be seen as 'on my side'? I dont need that cr@p, i need her to be honest!

Have you actually said that to her? In the moment, you should say things like that and save yourself the heartache and questions later.

"Do you really feel like that or are you just saying that because you know it's what I want to hear? You can be honest with me."

Sometimes I've wondered that about my T and so I double check by saying the above.

He's pretty straight-forward, so if he's lied, it hasn't been about anything particularly important. I would suspect there may things about his personal life that he doesn't share or may choose to tell me a version that is not intrusive on his personal life, but that doesn't affect my therapy if that is the case, and certainly T's have a right to keep what their personal business to themselves. I think we all do that to some extent. Not everything is everyone's business, so we give a version that is safer and keeps our stuff . . . our stuff. I haven't been aware that he's lied to me about anything having to do with me or my therapy though.

As far as your T goes, what is keeping you from accepting that your T can be objective about this other person? I think it is quite possible to be objective about a person you really don't know or have an emotional investment in. Your question was a bit loaded. You worded your question to your T as if she is taking a side against you, so her response was to reassure you that she is not taking sides. She can look at this other person objectively because she doesn't know that person. Yes, she may look at another person's circumstance and recognize what that person went through was difficult or a struggle, but that is slightly different than what you seemed to be implying by your question which appeared to be "Are you taking that person's side?"

[BlessedRhiannon]

I don't think my T has ever directly lied to me. I think she may omit things, but it would be things about her personal life or other clients, so that's not really a big deal to me. I'd rather not know, most of the time.

Any time I've asked my T a direct question, I've always felt that she was giving me an honest response, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

[anilam]

Sure, everybody's lying. It's a vital social skill. It depends on the situation and reasons behind the lie- some things I mind some I don't care about- How are you? Now, imagine him telling me about his day, how tired he is, can't forced himself to listen to my another client (i.e. mine) sob story, is hungry...no, thank you, fine's fine by me.

How can you be sure she was lying to you though- can you read her mind? And why is it so important for you? She can feel sympathy for that other person and still be empathic to you.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

Have you actually said that to her? In the moment, you should say things like that and save yourself the heartache

I know. It just threw me and i could not form a calm response.
I am writing it down and taking it with me next time.

[HealingTimes]

In regards to 'taking sides', yes that's exactly what i want/expect my T to do in this situation. I know it's not very adult, but this isn't coming from an adult self, it's coming from my inner child.
This is something i am very clear about with my T: Sympathy for this person has NO place in my therapy, and won't be tolerated. You either abide by that rule or i consider you to be siding with that other person.

My old t lied to me. My new t is totally honest with me.

[BonnieJean]

I think mine 'conveniently' can't remember things sometimes. Today I asked her a general question about something she has said to other patients. She said she couldn't remember whether or not she's said it.

[Syra]

I think my old T lied to me. I don't think it was malicious. I think she didn't like it that she didn't like me, that I triggered her, so she tried to act like she wanted to be, not like how she is. It wasn't helpful.

[laughattack]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

My old t lied to me. My new t is totally honest with me.

Total honesty by the T can also present problems.

My T has both lied (or at least misled) me and then later been totally honest about doing so.

And last session T was also totally honest about something else, which has me wondering whether to stick with this T or move on

[healed84]

Pretty sure t has lied to me about a couple of things.. I would doubt any long term human interaction where two people haven't at least told a couple of white lies.. As stopdog would say.. I think it is part of their wiley T act!

[ultramar]

I don't see how feeling sympathy for someone a patient/client talks about is somehow being 'disloyal' to the patient. I think one of the things therapists can be so helpful with is modeling, including modeling having sympathy/empathy for others. I completely understand your potential reaction, but I just don't understand the therapist's reasoning. Caring about a patient doesn't mean they can't feel sympathy about others' in their lives. Again, I get your reaction, I just don't get her; sounds rather black and white.

[healed84]

Maybe act isn't the right word.. but come on. I think Ts learn things in T school. I happen to believe that my T is a genuine guy. I think that he has done great with me. T himself has admitted to showing his professional self while in the office with his clients..

Ts have to see client after client and remain calm, cool and, collected for the most part hour after hour.. There is something they put on, to make them seem to us at our appointment a fresh new T who hasn't spent the last couple of hrs, counseling other people.

So, yes.. maybe at times.. Ts put on an act, and I don't see anything wrong with that. They are putting their professional hat on- to help their clients out.

Pretty everybody has lied at some point, I'm sure my T has lied about irrelevant things.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

In regards to 'taking sides', yes that's exactly what i want/expect my T to do in this situation. I know it's not very adult, but this isn't coming from an adult self, it's coming from my inner child.
This is something i am very clear about with my T: Sympathy for this person has NO place in my therapy, and won't be tolerated. You either abide by that rule or i consider you to be siding with that other person.

By dictating in this way, HT, you prevent any honest exploration of whatever the issues about you and this person are. You keep your "inner child" in control and acting in a dysfunctional way. Not sure what the purpose of that is. It also is probably why your T has responded in the rather unconvincing and confused way that Ultramar refers to:

Originally Posted by ultramar

I don't see how feeling sympathy for someone a patient/client talks about is somehow being 'disloyal' to the patient. I think one of the things therapists can be so helpful with is modeling, including modeling having sympathy/empathy for others. I completely understand your potential reaction, but I just don't understand the therapist's reasoning. Caring about a patient doesn't mean they can't feel sympathy about others' in their lives. Again, I get your reaction, I just don't get her; sounds rather black and white.

Exactly so. It sounds like B/W thinking is an issue that maybe should be worked on, but instead, the T is colluding with it in order to keep the therapeutic alliance. I would hope that she is doing this tap dance just long enough until she can effect whatever changes are needed for this pattern to be abandoned. Otherwise, therapy isn't really happening.

[HealingTimes]

I don't think it is 'dictating', Feralkittymom. We (my T and I) are already discussing the issues between myself and this person, as that is one of the main reasons i am in therapy. Maybe i should rephrase it..maybe it should be that if my T has sympathy for this person, i don't want her to tell me. i don't want to hear it. I don't want my T to offer me any explanation of why that person acted in the way they did (a sob story of a background).
If T DOES have sympathy, then i am not open to, or interested in, her trying to get me to feel the same way.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

I don't think it is 'dictating', Feralkittymom. We (my T and I) are already discussing the issues between myself and this person, as that is one of the main reasons i am in therapy. Maybe i should rephrase it..maybe it should be that if my T has sympathy for this person, i don't want her to tell me. i don't want to hear it. I don't want my T to offer me any explanation of why that person acted in the way they did (a sob story of a background).
If T DOES have sympathy, then i am not open to, or interested in, her trying to get me to feel the same way.

IT makes sense to me. I have a similar situation. It's hard to hear about their sympathy, and normal interactions with someone who caused me a lot of pain. It doesn't mean I think I have any control over how they feel, or what they do outside of my presence. It does mean it's hard to listen to things about her. And I know that means I have an issue I need to resolve, but it isn't the issue that's at the top of my todo list. I don't have to be perfect by tomorrow. Baby steps. And hearing about this other person interferes with my baby steps. Is it like that?

[HealingTimes]

Thanks Syra, that is kind of how i feel.
I am not hoping/expecting/wanting to have control of what my T feels about this person, nobody has that right, but i simply dont want to hear it.
It would be like trying to find an excuse for why they treated me so badly. As far as i am concerned, there is NO excuse.

[laughattack]

I've not heard of a good T trying to get a client to feel a certain way, even the same way as the T feels, about a certain person....or about anything, for that matter--although I may have to rethink that last part.

[HealingTimes]

Jeez, this therapy malarky is very confusing to me

[feralkittymom]

so i said " you feel sorry for her and feel sympathy, don't you?" and my T went on about how she didn't feel sympathy for this person and that as my T her emotional loyalty is with me blah blah blah etc etc...(i didnt really listen to the rest of it because i was so p!$$ed off)..but i know she is lying to me! Why not just be honest with me and say that she DID feel sympathy?

I think the bigger issue here is why you assume your T is lying? You're not accepting her words at face value, and you admit you tuned out because you were angry. Something else is going on here.

[HealingTimes]

What do you mean 'something else'?

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think the bigger issue here is why you assume your T is lying? You're not accepting her words at face value, and you admit you tuned out because you were angry. Something else is going on here.

Because i don't trust ANYONE, and i certainly dont accept anything at face value.