T Disconnect

I don’t have a specific question but wanted to get some thoughts out and see if anyone can offer a new view or their experience. This may be disjointed so please bear with me…. trying to provide enough details yet not be long winded.

I terminated with ex-T in July after ten months. She was the first T I ever saw and we clicked early on, our personalities worked well together. Sessions were filled with angst, hurt, despair and anger yet also with care, respect, encouragement and happiness. I’m amazed at all I learned working with her, the process was mind-bending and my life’s path is forever positively changed. We terminated when she unexpectedly closed her practice. My termination sessions went great, I’m satisfied of the work done in them. They were also so difficult. I was an emotional wreck, I felt drained, empty, disappointed. I felt joy and appreciation for her. I was undeniably sad at the loss. The loss of seeing her weekly, no more hearing her laugh, the ability to bounce ideas off her, show her how our work made lasting changes in my life. During those two weeks between being told she was closing and our last session my chest would tighten with emotion and I cried often. Fortunately we discussed all of this during termination sessions and nothing was held back. Talk about liberating. I miss ex-T. I feel okay saying I miss her and knowing she was important in my life and even without sessions she can hold a place of importance.

I saw her for depression and anxiety and still had a couple months of work to do. She provided three referrals so after two months off I interviewed and started with a new-T. We’ve had five sessions and they’ve been fine. Nothing more than that though. The sessions have been around my history, ex-T termination, my current goals and expectations. I don’t feel connected to new-T and can’t pinpoint why. My therapy model is psychodynamic so alignment with the therapist is vital. I’m not confident more sessions will make a difference. I’ve been candid with myself to see if in my mind I had made ex-T into something she wasn’t, something where no new-T could measure up. I’ve discussed with new-T the lack of connectedness and we explored if I was feeling an absence of trust, safety, compassion or empathy. She asked me to allow more time to give our relationship a chance to develop and not prematurely terminate.

I spent some time this last week reflecting on how my actions have impacted the disconnect. While I’ve been open and honest in sessions I haven’t done more than that. I’ve answered questions and provided background but that’s it. I haven’t gone the extra mile to meet new-T in the middle and give myself freely to the process. My recent conclusion; I don’t want to. I don’t want to invest in another T that has a finite end. In this case an end only a few months from now (insurance ends 12/31). I don’t want the emotions that go with building the therapeutic relationship. I don’t want to experience another termination so soon after. I don’t want to be cared about by another person. I don’t want the relationship.

So where do I go from here? I have a session Saturday and will definitely attend but after that I’m not sure. What is another way to look at this?

Wow, JJ, that's a tough one. First, congrats on the hard work you did with T1, and how well you've managed the transition to living your life without her as your T.

I'm not sure how useful a psychodynamic approach will be when you're holding that deep part of yourself back. And, believe me, I completely understand why you are doing it. Having been through a similar experience, I can not only identify with your reluctance to set yourself up for another significant loss, but I believe you are right to not do so. There is, IMHO, no way to make a significant attachment and do significant deep work in just a few months, without it just being a fast-moving train wreck. Many times people resist that bonding for the "wrong" reasons; I think this time you may have the "right" reason.

Here's how I handled my situation (I am separated from my deeply attached T1, hopefully for only 4-5 months, but possibly permanently, and am seeing T2 in the interim): my T2 is a fine therapist, smart, kind, insightful. I like her and feel generally comfortable with her, but there is no bond or sense of deep connection. My "inner sanctum" is closed to her. We have talked about it, and have decided to concentrate our time on skills-based therapy and cognitive stuff. Even though that's not her primary orientation, she has some training there, and has been quite helpful in what I think of as a more intellectual, behavioral approach to improving my life.

It's not the good, deep work, but it has been helpful, and I'm glad for her support as I negotiate the world without T1.

Do you think that is something your new T would be open to? Be frank with her, and enlist her support in areas that she can help with--reinforcing healthy behaviors, strategies for correcting automatic thoughts in anxiety-provoking situations, etc. Since your time with her is finite, you might as well get some help while it's being paid for by insurance--why waste the opportunity completely?

Just a thought. Good luck!

"My "inner sanctum" is closed to her." I think my inner sanctum is closed too /: how does one open that part of themselves up? Mine peeks out occasionally, but quickly retreats...

Jayne - I'm sorry about the loss of your T how painful...I can understand why you are holding back with your new T, especially considering that you know you will only see her until December. Once your insurance ends, is there any way to still see her maybe on a sliding scale or something? Or when does your insurance start over or does it? I know having money-related conversations with a T can be very uncomfortable but maybe talking to her directly about this concern could open up some new possibilities... ((Hugs))

Pretty sure she snuck in when I wasn't looking....

I dunno. Her key fits my lock?

Interesting on the reluctance, I’ll mull the concept over. I definitely see and feel it happening and yet haven’t been able to change it. Taking it one step more seems to be a protective measure because as FeeltheBurn mentioned less than 4 months isn’t adequate to do the super deep work without unraveling at the end. How FeeltheBurn describes her T2 is how I see my new-T. She’s insightful, thoughtful, compassionate, funny…. all strong qualities I react well too yet no bond or deep connection is there. I’m letting myself down and not trying hard enough. You know, if I just did more it would be there and I could move forward. Instead I’m blocking myself. I’m stopping myself from feeling the potential grief, sadness and loneliness that could occur by having a connected therapeutic relationship.

New-T isn’t cognitive based, however, she might consider it if the alternative is I cease sessions. I’ll ask her tomorrow as when we previously discussed the disconnect her primary response was to ask for more time. She has 25 years’ experience and provided examples of how differently referrals adapt. Some jump right in as if no change took place, others meander and take the long road then some leave after 3 or 4 sessions.

Unfortunately T does not do a sliding scale. I was up front when we started that we’d end in December, between my fall vacation and hers plus she closes her practice 12/14 – 12/31 we have 18 total sessions. Tomorrow will be our 6th one. I have no issues discussing the financial aspect of treatment and she understands without insurance I’ll need to stop.