I have been thinking about this lately. It keeps coming to my attention that I use a barrier as my defense mechanism. I don't let anyone in anymore and this in turn leads to my depression because I get lonely and yearn for human connection but I can't let people in. Also I tend to get very defensive and should anyone say anthing to me I am on the defense straight away. Its like I am looking for people to do me wrong and I don't want to be like this, I want to see the good in people again.
I am just wondering how the rest of you good folks here protect yourselves from others? Do you find your protection useful or more harmful?

[unaluna]

I protect myself by staying away from people I have to protect myself from! Like my family. Until I can build up in myself whatever I need to build, so that I can be safe no matter who I'm around.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I have been thinking about this lately. It keeps coming to my attention that I use a barrier as my defense mechanism. I don't let anyone in anymore and this in turn leads to my depression because I get lonely and yearn for human connection but I can't let people in. Also I tend to get very defensive and should anyone say anthing to me I am on the defense straight away. Its like I am looking for people to do me wrong and I don't want to be like this, I want to see the good in people again.
I am just wondering how the rest of you good folks here protect yourselves from others? Do you find your protection useful or more harmful?

This is exactly what I do and it keeps out the bad but does not let the good in. So T says.

[stopdog]

Useful. Protecting myself is definitely useful. I think I have enough human connection.

[JayneJohnson49]

I'm in a similar boat as a primary driver of my depression is loneliness. It is no doubt a protective measure and one I battle constantly. My inner voice reminds me I'm not worth knowing and relationships largely consist of hurt. With my first T I felt such acceptance for who I was not who I thought I should be that she really showed what unconditional care and appreciation can be like. I learned I AM a good person, I have traits that people would enjoy knowing, I can offer something to another person, I don’t have to be afraid. Most important was learning that hurt in a relationship is inevitable but it doesn't have to define or deteriorate it. My T unexpectedly terminated. Talk about gut wrenching hurt. When she told me my immediate response was I failed myself. I let the protective barrier down and all I got out of knowing her was hurt. Well, no, that wasn't true. I got 10 months of support, insight, validation and respect. I learned to care about another person and accept them for who they are and what they bring to my life. I learned that even at the end with the sadness and grief I wouldn’t have turned back the clock and not met her to avoid the pain.

Only now am I putting what I learned into real world and bringing down the protective layer. It is a challenge as I'm still wary of meeting new people and the first couple of times I see them I only say a sentence or two and it usually involves the traffic or weather. Safe topics. Slowly I’ll start asking more personal questions or maybe take a chance to invite them to coffee or a walk in the park. I’m a woman and dislike many “woman” activities (make-up, shopping, celebrity gossip, pedicures) so pre-therapy I would attempt to meet friends and pick an activity I thought woman did together then I’d go along and be disconnected and wonder why I was there. I’d deeply feel I didn’t belong, that I was worthless for being there and they’d soon find out about me. That was me thinking I should like something I don’t so of course I felt out of sorts!

Now I pick an activity I'm comfortable in and I find the connection, while not at all easy, is easier to kick start. Sometimes a success and sometimes not. I learned through therapy that not every “failed” connection is because of me, it isn’t something I did or said or who I am inside. I don’t need to feel rejection every time. If a connection didn’t pan out I’ll tell myself something positive like “Hey, you tried. You went and asked the person to coffee and that’s so much more than a year ago.” Oh, also, when I meet people I make a joke about being shy and socially awkward. I’ve found that helps others see I’m not uninterested in them I just can’t start or keep up a conversation.

I'm still scared of putting myself out there. I try so hard to remind myself that I am worth knowing and as I share bits and pieces with new people and they don't reject me the message becomes deeper and deeper ingrained. Pretty soon I'll believe it.

[FeelTheBurn]

I use a Samurai Sword

[JayneJohnson49]

monalisasmile, have you thought what aspect of letting people in is scary for you? For example is it being vulnerable, feeling unaccepted, that you don't matter, that you might be taken advantage of or anything of the sorts? I wonder if as you work on "that" then letting people in will seem possible.

I'm sorry that I don't now your history so I do hope none of what I asked is triggering.

[growlithing]

Well, I am currently in a practice room, hiding from the party my roommates are throwing. I've been in here for 2 hours and I'll probably be in here for 3 more. I can't physically play for 5 hours so I'm taking an hour or so off. It's really miserable because I'm not in the best of shape and it feels like I'm forcing myself to lift weights for hours after I got tired. But I am so afraid of crowds and large groups of people and alcohol actually that I'm tormenting myself. It's strange because I am quite extraverted so you'd think I'd like parties, but I end up feeling quite lost and worried that everyone hates me. I guess avoiding that situation at all costs is something I do to protect myself.

I'm also very picky about who I tell what and I have a very large support system so that I'm not reliant on any one person. I always have a backup in case they abandon me. I also don't tell everything to everyone in that support system. People know parts of me. There are some things I don't talk to anyone about except for people here and my T. Even then I won't talk about my dietary habits. I won't hang out with anyone for extended periods of time because I'm scared they will hate me if they get to know me.

I don't binge eat anymore, but I do eat in secrecy to avoid judgment. I never talk to men unless they are gay because I'm convinced I will fall for them and then get rejected. Again. My life is kinda really difficult because I am an extravert that is terrified of people. I force myself to live a rather lonely life because I don't trust anyone. And it is really hard because I really need other people to be happy.

[0w6c379]

The hurt I've just experienced was so NOT WORTH IT!!!! Literally crying every day, numerous times for 5 months and counting. All because I trusted the wrong person. You'd think after a year that I'd know someone well enough to trust them but I was wrong. Dead wrong. I'm no judge of character anymore. I've been totally fooled and taken for granted by people. I've been manipulated and hurt beyond belief by my T and others. I don't know how to deal with people who take advantage of me, criticize me, put me down, laugh at me (behind my back of course), shame me, ruin my reputation, disrespect me as an individual & worse. I would give anything if I could change what people did to me but I can't. The people I meet today don't compare to the one's I knew 15 years ago. I have to isolate more than I ever did before.

How do you protect yourself from people who pretend they like you and then stab you in the back? My T being one of them.

[0w6c379]

[quote=JayneJohnson49;3278332].... My T unexpectedly terminated. Talk about gut wrenching hurt. When she told me my immediate response was I failed myself. I let the protective barrier down and all I got out of knowing her was hurt.... I learned through therapy that not every “failed” connection is because of me, it isn’t something I did or said or who I am inside.[quote]

It's funny Jayne that you used the term "gut wrenching" because I've used that before too and haven't seen it here on PC before. I don't feel like I've learned many good things from therapy anymore. When a T betrays you like mine did to me, all that is left is anger and hurt. The good things turned sour. I feel like I've been emotionally abused (and I have).

[blur]

that's a great question. i think at times i wall the world out because it keeps me safe, but as you said it becomes very lonely. i think as i keep learning more about setting healthy boundaries, communicating my feelings honestly and trusting my instincts i am able to have, rather than walls, fences with gates that let the healthy things in from others and keep the unhealthy things out. (henry cloud talks about this in the book boundaries.) i really find that my gut instincts are pretty much right on. it is just learning to honor them because i'm lonely or being people pleasing or whatever. setting boundaries is hard and quite a learning curve for some of us who weren't allowed any when young. eta: i think it is also about learning to let out the toxic emotions and keep the good ones in. i don't mean venting on others though as i don't tend to think that is healthy but just not holding onto emotions that eat away at us. henry cloud says some of us tend to keep the good out and the bad in which i think i do a lot more than i realize.

Originally Posted by Michelle25

The hurt I've just experienced was so NOT WORTH IT!!!! Literally crying every day, numerous times for 5 months and counting. All because I trusted the wrong person. You'd think after a year that I'd know someone well enough to trust them but I was wrong. Dead wrong. I'm no judge of character anymore. I've been totally fooled and taken for granted by people. I've been manipulated and hurt beyond belief by my T and others. I don't know how to deal with people who take advantage of me, criticize me, put me down, laugh at me (behind my back of course), shame me, ruin my reputation, disrespect me as an individual & worse. I would give anything if I could change what people did to me but I can't. The people I meet today don't compare to the one's I knew 15 years ago. I have to isolate more than I ever did before.

How do you protect yourself from people who pretend they like you and then stab you in the back? My T being one of them.

You say everything that I find impossible to say.
I'm glad someone is saying it.

[content30]

I read the book Boundaries: When to say yes how to say no to Take Control of Your Life, which my T recommended very early in her treatment of me. It was life changing for me. I don't overprotect myself, but I do set appropriate boundaries with family and friends and only let good and trustworthy people into my inner circle. As the book says, you don't have to let your life be an open field where people can run all over you. You don't need to build a stone fortress around yourself, but good fences make good neighbors. Your life should have a fence with a gate, and you should let an appropriate number of things and people in and out. I highly recommend the book! Full disclosure: it is written from a Christian perspective. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life:Amazon:Books

[1stepatatime]

Hi, Mona
Good thread Ironically enough my T emailed this to me today ( in response to an email that I had sent first):
" I hope that I am helping to save you from the way others wanted you to be, that you adopted to protect yourself from being totally rejected".
She knows that I am very guarded and have this suit of armor on...we are slowly peeling it off...but it will take some time and work!!
I think being aware of how we feel is helpful in working towards changing the behaviors...I know how you feel...

Originally Posted by JayneJohnson49

monalisasmile, have you thought what aspect of letting people in is scary for you? For example is it being vulnerable, feeling unaccepted, that you don't matter, that you might be taken advantage of or anything of the sorts? I wonder if as you work on "that" then letting people in will seem possible.

I'm sorry that I don't now your history so I do hope none of what I asked is triggering.

Thank you Jayne, your post was not triggering.
I think it is the fact that in the past the two people I have opened up to have let me down badly and betrayed my trust. Ordinarily I am a trusting person- too trusting and this gets me into trouble because I have to learn who to trust.
T and I are working on this, she is being consistent and safe for me to try and show me that people can be trusted but I have to learn who to trust.
I tend to keep my emotions hidden from people and when I do let them out occasionally people run. I never show my anger and lately I have been trying to show my true emotions and it has backfired but I will not be deterred. I am trying to be my true self no matter what.
My mom prefers the old quiet me but she doesn't exist anymore.

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

Hi, Mona
Good thread Ironically enough my T emailed this to me today ( in response to an email that I had sent first):
" I hope that I am helping to save you from the way others wanted you to be, that you adopted to protect yourself from being totally rejected".
She knows that I am very guarded and have this suit of armor on...we are slowly peeling it off...but it will take some time and work!!
I think being aware of how we feel is helpful in working towards changing the behaviors...I know how you feel...

Hey 1step,
Sounds like you and t are doing some great work together
It's a hard process but I can only hope it's worth it!
It's like peeling the layers of skin off an onion I think- the more we peel the more we cry. Take care not to peel them off too quickly

That's been my life story. My saving grace is with my hubby and kids I have no defences. I am vulnerable around them.
My husband is my best friend. I do have a couple of friends. But my contact with them is limited. I'm introverted so an hour once a year is enough lol.
I dunno, I think part if me chooses to be this way. The thought of going shopping with friends or meeting up regular makes me feel tired.
I accept I have this block within me. But my life in other areas has improved. I travel a lot. I'm into my newly discovered hobby. If I die only having achieved this, than I'll die happy.

Originally Posted by content30

I read the book Boundaries: When to say yes how to say no to Take Control of Your Life, which my T recommended very early in her treatment of me. It was life changing for me. I don't overprotect myself, but I do set appropriate boundaries with family and friends and only let good and trustworthy people into my inner circle. As the book says, you don't have to let your life be an open field where people can run all over you. You don't need to build a stone fortress around yourself, but good fences make good neighbors. Your life should have a fence with a gate, and you should let an appropriate number of things and people in and out. I highly recommend the book! Full disclosure: it is written from a Christian perspective. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life:Amazon:Books

I read yhis book and one of my first thoughts after reading it was...this should be age appropriately taught in school and that this is 10 times more important than sex education.
Boundaries are more often breeched in the home.
I teach this to my eight year old daughter and her confidence matures so fast.
She now knows how to mentally, emotionally and physically defend herself.
Confidence comes from knowing how to...

[A Red Panda]

I definitely have a huge barrier. I don't expect that people are out intending to hurt me... I believe that inherently people are good and have good intentions. But I also firmly believe that if they know ME properly... that they're going to bail out. It might take a few weeks or a few years, but they will most certainly get sick of me and it will happen quicker the more that I share.

So I don't trust people.

But I'm a really good faker. I can share facts from my past and that with just about anyone. But I do not share how I feel, and I don't often share my thoughts about things that are important to me or close to me. Just facts. "I overdosed when I was 15". That's a fact, and I can share it. I can even go to "I was testing my body's limits to know if I needed to somehow get ahold of a whole bottle on my own." But I do not ever saw how embarassed I was of being in the hospital, of how let down I felt that I was basically just left in the hospital room and never once was spoken to by a doctor, of how depressed I was because I got caught, or of how humliated and scared I was to have to go back to school, or about how much I still wish I had been successful or had at least not been caught so that I could have done it properly. I don't share those thoughts and feelings.

So.... other people will often think that I trust them because I've shared details. But I don't.