How can I ask my therapist to sit closer to me?

Sep 15, 2013, 01:10 AM

Hi,
I'm a new user here as of a few days ago and have been browsing the forum and decided to post a question I have about bringing something up in therapy that is difficult/embarrassing/boundary pushing to do so. I'm hoping and wondering if anyone else has dealt with this feeling or may have some more insight to how I can ask or how to bring it up or if I even should.

I went to see my therapist about a year ago and stopped going about a month and a half into therapy with her and now a year and a half later I'm back in therapy with her and have been seeing her for about the same amount of time and want to continue to do so...so I'm guessing that is a good sign that I really do want to work things out and get better and recover.

Anyways...my issue has recently come about that I feel like my therapist is too far away from me. It's not a huge office, but her office is bigger than the one she was in the first time I went to her because between that time and this time she moved offices. I sit on the couch and she has a nice size chair between...but to the side..between the couch and where her desk is on the other side and she usually sits in her computer chair close to her desk across the room from me. So for some reason I feel the need to want her closer to me during our sessions. I'm guessing since I'm opening up more and letting her in more it must be a natural response to building more trust with her I'm guessing...? I'm wondering if it is even okay to ask her to sit closer? I almost brought it up and asked during our last session this past Tuesday, but chickened out.

So I'm wondering what others reading this may think and what you think my approach should be with this...if I should approach it at all.

growlycat · Sep 15, 2013, 02:02 AM

Welcome kneehole!!!!

I once asked my main therapist to sit closer and he said he was comfortable where he was. Sooo frustrating!! Sometimes though, if I could tell him why I was feeling a certain way, he would be more open to my requests.

The only scary thing is to be prepared for a "no"--it is a possibility. But I have found it is at least worth asking--you sometimes do get that "yes", even if you have to explain yourself first!

Revu2 · Sep 15, 2013, 02:03 AM

Hi,
Yes, you can ask for her to sit closer. I might do so at the beginning of your session: [T's name] would you mind that we sit closer? It feels like I have to shout sometimes in this new office because you're sitting further away than you used to in the old place." Or similar in your own words.

Good luck.

CantExplain · Sep 15, 2013, 03:01 AM

You can certainly ask, but the answer will probably be no.

elaygee · Sep 15, 2013, 03:20 AM

I would guess it depends on what "sitting closer" means. Sitting next to may be an issue. It can make it awkward. But to ask them to pull in closer, shouldnt be a major thing I dont think. Good luck

Arha · Sep 15, 2013, 05:03 AM

Does the height of the computer chair make a difference too? Most are quite a bit higher than couches, which would put you in a different level rather than on a par.

dumburn · Sep 15, 2013, 06:09 AM

I've had the same but opposite problem, way too close!! Annoyingly I don't have the confidence to ask people to do things, I just took matters in to my own hands and moved my chair a meter or so further away from him. I'm sure this come across rude as hell but it makes me feel better.

If you don't feel you can ask Is there anyway you could just move a bit closer to her? not too much but enough that she gets the hint.

tinyrabbit · Sep 15, 2013, 07:02 AM

Definitely talk to your T. After about there months I told mine I wanted to sit on the floor as the chairs were too far apart. He said: "We could move them closer together." It never occurred to me that he would move the furniture for me. I opted to still sit on the floor though, side by side.

I'm interested that Can'tExplain says the answer will probably be no. I think the answer entirely depends on you, your T and your therapy.

feralkittymom · Sep 15, 2013, 07:33 AM

I'm not sure I can visualize the set-up, but would it help for you to sit in the chair rather than on the couch? Does that get you closer? If not, it's pretty common that social space is about 4' apart. That would correspond to @ the distance my T's chairs were. If you're further apart than that no wonder you feel out in the cold.

You could state your feeling of being uncomfortably far away, and ask if there's any reason you can't move closer. So you're asking if you can move, rather than asking her to move. That you can reference how it's different from the old office also makes it a bit less awkward.

healed84 · Sep 15, 2013, 07:36 AM

I know it is easier said than done.. but just ask. Explain it to her like you did to us here. I think most Ts wouldn't have any problem sitting closer to a client... at least I think!

Sep 15, 2013, 10:50 AM

I initially asked in an email, not realizing this was kind of a "taboo" thing to ask. Now we sit right next to each other. It's really helpful for me to feel her body next to mine, it helps me remember that I HAVE a body and where it begins and ends. You'll never know if you don't ask!

tinyrabbit · Sep 15, 2013, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PumpkinEater

I initially asked in an email, not realizing this was kind of a "taboo" thing to ask. Now we sit right next to each other. It's really helpful for me to feel her body next to mine, it helps me remember that I HAVE a body and where it begins and ends. You'll never know if you don't ask!

Why was it taboo?

I totally agree with what you say about sitting side by side. It has given me loads of control - as we sit on the floor - e.g. I can move closer or further away, turn my body towards or away, make eye contact or not.

Sep 15, 2013, 11:07 AM

It is certainly okay to ask.

It's scary to put ourselves out there like that because we're afraid the answer may be no.

But, then again, we may ask and the answer will be yes.

As long as you can handle hearing no, then ask away.

More than likely she'll be more than happy to scoot a little closer to you during sessions.

FeelTheBurn · Sep 15, 2013, 11:12 AM

Ask away! She may not even realize that her chair is farther away, and it's entirely possible that you're not the first client to notice. And keep in mind that, if for some reason she declines, it's not about you.

wotchermuggle · Sep 15, 2013, 11:26 AM

My sessions could be in a variety of rooms at the centre I go to, and I noticed that in one room where I'm closer to my T, the sessions are much more intense. When we switch back to another room, he is just a bit further away and it makes him feel too distant.

I'd explain it to your therapist by saying, "I was wondering if we could sit a bit closer to each other. Sitting this far apart makes me feel you are too distant."

I wouldn't think it would be a problem AT ALL, especially since you said she sits in a computer chair that likely has wheels. She can just wheel a little bit closer. It's not like you're asking if you can sit in her lap or anything.

Sep 15, 2013, 11:53 AM

I move my chair.

In my case, I move it MUCH further away.....

Sep 15, 2013, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Why was it taboo?

I didn't realize at the time how much people anxiously think about sitting near their therapist or getting a hug from them. I didn't realize even asking can be a huge deal. I was a little nervous just because I feared rejection, but I didn't realize a lot of people have huge amounts of anxiety around this issue, and therapists come from very different schools of thought, too. I actually just assumed mine would say no. It was a nice surprise when she didn't!

purplejell · Sep 15, 2013, 06:29 PM

I tend to move away too... but she doesn't get insulted by it. I also like to sit on the floor - I feel more grounded there.

Sep 15, 2013, 07:22 PM

When my t and i are actually in the same country together, we sit smushed together and sometimes hold hands. Makes sessions feel much safer, and i too notice that those sessions are more intense. With both old t and new t all i said was, "could i sit by you?" New t will sometimes ask, you want to come sit by me?

Jdog123 · Sep 15, 2013, 08:03 PM

I would definitely say that you should ask. My T had a different office on Thursdays and I occasionally would see her there. This was one of the first things I noticed - in the Tuesday/Wednesday office she was sitting closer. So I said something like "you seem so far away in this office and it feels almost uncomfortable to me." And she moved her chair closer and each time that I saw her in that office she would move it closer. As other people have said, you should be prepared for a no and also that she'll ask why. But as you can see from everyone's responses there are Ts willing to accommodate such requests. It wasn't easy to ask my T, but I'm glad that I did.

Sep 16, 2013, 10:58 AM

Wow!

Thanks everyone for all the supportive comments and advice and telling me your stories of how you can relate to my experience! I had no idea there were others that felt like this before with their T...even though it is not a big issue in the slightest. I think I'm going to "bite the bullet" and ask in my session this week. I'll probably end up blurting it out at the beginning of therapy because I'm not a person that can hold something in for long when I need to just get it out because it has been racking my brain and bothering me and if I don't say it at the beginning I'll probably end up holding it in again until next week's session. I'm just scared of her response.

Sep 16, 2013, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tollhouse

I move my chair.

In my case, I move it MUCH further away.....

hahaha! I'm usually like that...but I guess since I have been able to open up more and build more trust I want to be closer.

WikidPissah · Sep 16, 2013, 01:00 PM

Welcome Kneehole!
Let us know the response you get from T, I hope it turns out well.

Arha · Sep 17, 2013, 09:05 PM

Coincidentally, this week my T made a point of sitting in a seat at an angle to me, rather than in a seat across from me, in which position he had obviously been sitting for a previous client. He said this was because my therapy is working together on something, whereas other types can be about challenging views.

Sep 17, 2013, 09:33 PM

Thanks yall! It's getting closer to my session day with my T...this Thursday. I'm so nervous just thinking about saying something...but I know I have to get it out or I will hate myself throughout the session and afterwards for not saying a thing and this session would be worthless if I don't. If you can't already tell..like my T has already bluntly told me...I'm passive.

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