Ever wonder what your T thinks about you?

I think about this a lot.

These are the likely thoughts I have compiled so far.

1. This guy smells
2. This guy is boring
3. I can't stand how self-involved he is.
4. Omigod look how big his thumbs are. Wtf?

Etc.

Maybe at first before I'd found T's edges. Knew what level of trust I could have in her.

Yep, every time I see him (and often between sessions as well). The thing is my therapist has said some stuff which sort of implies that he doesn't really know what to do with me/how to handle my situation. Therefore I can't help but thinking that he might think the following:

1. She's really annoying.
2. It seems like she doesn't want to be in therapy.
3. She's too stubborn.
4. She's weird and a lost cause. I can't help her.
5. I don't want anything to do with her but I have to because it's my job.
6. Oh no, not neutrino again.

Etc.

I've often asked my therapist if he thinks negative thoughts of me when I'm not in session. And, he implicitly says he does not. He has never had a negative thought of me, ever.

I'm not sure if I believe him. Is his comment from a place of sincerity or is it 'therapy' speak.

She is ****ed up

I'm pretty sure she thinks this because she just laughs when I say it. I don't see it as a bad thing.

Yes, I think about this a lot. My T will not tell me what he thinks of me; he has said that it's natural for me to wonder what his thoughts are but that doesn't mean that I can be privy to them. And as I'm not completely stupid I understand what that means: he isn't thinking anything positive, but he won't jeopardise my progress by telling me that.

Everyone seems to think the worst I guess.

I think my T's both have an affection for me of some sort...maybe a little protective, I activate some kind of rescuer thing.

On the downside, main T sees me as ill but getting stuff done in my life anyways.

CBT T makes me uneasy partially because he is helping me w/health issues--so when I come in I feel like he is scoping out how I'm doing physically. Meaning a bit of a weight loss check---eeek don't look at me!!

My T thinks I'm stubborn. She has said that.

But she has also said she cares about me. She told me once when I couldn't make it to a session-that she will miss me.

I'm not sure if she thinks I'm too needy or self involved. I used to worry about that a lot but I don't anymore because its my therapy. It's supposed to be about me and she is in my life for a very specific reason-to help me navigate through my issues so I can improve the quality of my life. After 3 1/2 years I can honestly say-that I give less of crap about the other stuff like what she thinks of me.

Yes. Constantly. I'm gradually starting to close the gap between my fantasies about what he thinks (mostly paranoia and transference) and what he actually thinks, as I've been proved wrong so many times. I've never forgotten the time he turned to me and said: "For goodness' sake, I don't have a single negative thought about you in my head!" Which made me laugh.

This is one of my main issues that is holding me back. I wonder what my T thinks of me and I explored this with him at my last session. He said he doesn't think I am annoying.... /: .....well, how do I trust that?? He said he thinks I am annoyed with myself. So projection. But I know I am annoying. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I hold back due to fear of what my T will think or does think of me, the more annoying and frustrating I probably get lol I don't know how not to care what he thinks. I worry he says, "oh great. It's Thursday and I have to see Freewilled again. Maybe she will cancel but thats doubtful cause she never does. Ugh."

yes all the time but I am terrified to ask because of the answer

Yep. Terrified of it. I will never ask though, because I respect him and know that he is going to be professional about it. Like... I do the same thing with my students. Some of them I will adore, others I will look forward to not having them the next year. But it's my job to do my best to make sure that they NEVER know where they fit on that scale. I know that it will be the same for my T because he's human. I don't know where on his scale I would fit, but I worry that I will slide down the scale the more he gets to know me.

I already am fairly sure that I will disappoint and frustrate him. He says he thinks I'm wise because I see things both logically and emotionally, and he thinks that I have a lot of empathy. He also thinks that if everyone on his caseload was like me his job would be easy because I am so self-aware. I take that to mean that he thinks I should already be fine and that fixing my messed up brain patterns won't take long and that is why he is going to be really disappointed and frustrated with me.

Yes, I do sometimes get caught up with my inner critic determining what I imagine my T is thinking of me....and it's usually along the lines of him being annoyed or disinterested in seeing me, how unattractive I am and unappealing to the eyes, how boring it is to meet with me because I don't work very hard in session, etc.

I don't really wonder about it, but that is because he's pretty forthcoming about his opinions and observations about me I guess. He's told me I'm "good people". He says I'm stubborn; no surprise there. He's told me I'm a good mom. More telling are his actions than his words. He has at times really gone out of his way to help me and my family in times of crisis; things not asked for but done nonetheless. He cares about us and has consistently stood by us and worked with us through it all. Actions tend to be much more telling than words.

On the contrary, perhaps what he is telling you is that he doesn't tell patients those things. The true answer lies in the T's treatment of the patient.

I don't think the woman does think about me one way or the other. It is not like the therapist really has to do anything while the appointment is going on. I go in and we both sit there for 50 minutes while I talk about the sorts of things I think one is supposed to tell a therapist, and I pay her and leave. For all I know she is thinking about her hobbies, or what to make for dinner, or her husband or her dog or something in her real life that has her worried, or happy or pissed off etc.

I "mind-read" all the time, especially with T. I'm trying to work on telling myself that I often have no facts to back up my assumptions. Here's what I imagine T thinking about me:

"Well, Hippo is really obnoxious and a drama-queen, but at least I know I'll always be employed - she'll never miss a session, and I'm sure if I offered her extra sessions, she'd eat it up."

"Hippo just keeps getting fatter and uglier. I'll try not to look at her so much, it's disgusting."

"Hippo has a crush on me. How cute. NOT! How gross and inappropriate. I never want to see her again. I hope she does decide I'm not the right T for her."

"I wish Hippo would leave me alone already. Does she not realize I have other clients, that I have a life outside of my work?"

"Oh ****, I've got Hippo today. Gotta brace myself."

I think you have to step forward and say, figuratively if not literally, yes, I have this baggage, but I am more than my baggage. And as long as I'm being honest with you, I expect you to honor THIS part of me that comes to work with you. We are partners. --That's how I see it.

The need to see two T´s is starting to make a bit of sence here.

I know what he thinks now. He thinks I'm hopeless and he doesn't want to seem me anymore because of that. He thinks I really am repulsive and disgusting for all the things I told him. He thinks I am horrible and terrible and evil. He possibly even hates me even though he always said he didn't. I am so bad that he gave up on me even though he promised me he never would. I am so so so hopeless. He finally, finally realized I AM toxic and harmful to him and he is protecting himself.

I could have written those exact words. I often think my therapist has negative thoughts marinating in his mind about me. He says he does not.

The truth of the matter is, he most likely forgets me as I exist his office. Out of sight, out of mind.

Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts.

Do you contact your T outside of work hours?

Yes. Working very hard on not doing this, and I do realize it is not appropriate to the extent that I do it.

I can't think of a way to say this that doesn't sound scathing or flippant. It's really not meant to. I'm genuinely wondering how many people on this thread realise they're projecting their own self-perceptions onto their Ts? It's hard to stop doing that, to stop mind reading, but it's worth trying - though it takes hard work, obviously. It's so much easier to think my T hates me than to think that maybe, just maybe, he... doesn't.

I would have thought everyone or at least most did realize this.