[granite1]

I was wondering how people feel when they catch there T in a little white lie .or if they ever have .if so what is your reaction . do you talk about it.

these days I am finding my T in a few white lies and I am so not sure how to take it .

one was when I saw her walking away from the office going for a walk onne minute before my apt. I knew she was going to be late AGAIN. she said sorry for keeping me waiting but that she got caught up in a meeting.

another was yesterday when she said something to the affect that she was happy to be able to see me and then changed it to she was glad she had a cancelation and was able to fit me in and that might not always be the case. I knew she didn't have a cancelation.

I know there have been other little white lies that I have caught her in but just never say anything. I choose to pick my battles and I am sure these are probably what she thinks is in my best interest but they seem to be piling up and I don't know what to think any more.

if you caught your T in a white lie would it make a difference to you if you knew the reason why or if it affected you directly or not. or is a lie a lie and not ok?

[RTerroni]

I think that white lies interfere in making progress with your Therapist

[anilam]

No, I haven't - doesn't mean he's not telling them though.
I wonder why you won't call her up on them? I would, cause I'd mind these lies- I see no reason behind them and that's what would bother me.

[stopdog]

How do you know they are lies rather than just part of the explanation?

I think that when we have been deceived in the past we are more suspicious and when we have learned in past relationships that its not safe to question people then we do not ask or question...

I think if my T said I was held up in a meeting to me... I would have just said oh I knew you were going to be late because I saw you walking away from the office.

Or if my xT said he was glad he had a cancellation on Fridays at 7:15 (like last week) I would have said Oh I didn't think you worked this late on Fridays.

Maybe your T thinks that if you knew she was happy you came and that she stayed longer or came into the office special for you that you would have felt too needy or something and that if she plays it cool it would be better (ofcourse that might be me projecting)

You could ask about these incidents

[stopdog]

I guess I see it as - she might have had a late meeting which interfered with what she had to do with walking which lead back to lateness for appointment. And a cancellation could have been somewhere in the schedule that the rest of the schedule had to work around. I think therapists are wily and lie in a fashion all the time and think they consider it part of their job so it does not really upset me as I have accepted that as part of the bargain of seeing one.
But I would ask her if it bothered me.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I guess I see it as - she might have had a late meeting which interfered with what she had to do with walking which lead back to lateness for appointment. And a cancellation could have been somewhere in the schedule that the rest of the schedule had to work around. I think therapists are wily and lie in a fashion all the time and think they consider it part of their job so it does not really upset me as I have accepted that as part of the bargain of seeing one.
But I would ask her if it bothered me.

i would agree with all these explanations. and i don't believe my T owes me any explanations. she made the time up at the end and i have never asked her why about any of this stuff because i am terrified of the answer. so i wonder why she offers half truths and so on for explanations that i didn't ask for. in fact as a response to her talking about me coming in yesterday i told her i would have been ok if she had not called and also not offered a session then. i was sincere about that.i told her i was so shocked and really didn't expect it at all. all this is part of the reason i don't ask or bring it up .that and the fact that i am terrified of confrontation and will always try to pick my battles IRL

[velcro003]

What makes you so sure these are lies? How do you know your T didnt have a cancellation yesterday?

[PeeJay]

I caught my exT lying to me. Trust is hard enough!

My exT told me once that she was out of town and couldn't meet with me. But I found online minutes of a body on which she is on the board. And she was present and participating on the day she was supposedly out if town.

Now maybe she phone conferenced in, but the lies piled up enough that I eventually gathered that she was legitimatelegitimately avoiding me. I also caught inconsistencies in her excuses for why we could not meet.

She wanted to fire me as a client without having to do the dirty work herself. I still hurt from this.

Anyway, if trust is hard for you, addressing it is a must. Other wise the relationship will stagnate.

Typed on my phone. ..ooops

[WikidPissah]

I would much rather a T (or anyone for that matter) not give an explanation than make one up. It would irritate me. My mother is a compulsive liar and I just don't tolerate it well in others. It would be a deal breaker.

XT would tell me that he didn't have a disclosure form and couldn't talk to pdoc. Then I would go to pdoc and he would say "oh, I spoke with T and he said x,y,z". I knew pdoc was telling me the truth. Drove me nuts. I just didn't get why he would lie to me like that.

[unaluna]

I think they do it partly for confidentiality? So like they pick a catch phrase to use, "I have a meeting", and it covers everything. But like today, t had a stack of papers in his waiting room. When I came, I said, "there are papers in your waiting room." He goes, "I know. It's my schedule of when I'll be gone." I said, "then you should put up a sign that says 'Take One'". I wouldn't even read it otherwise. I thought it was for someone else. I didnt want to impose, get yelled at. He went out and brought me back one. I looked at it and said, "it doesnt say WHY you're gone, cuz you're marrying the hankster." He goes, "no, right, cuz that's private." So yeah some of us still have issues with this kind of stuff.

[granite1]

my T said she was fine and would be out of town Tuesday . this was not the truth but i understand why she says what she said but why say anything just say you will not be available that day like she did the last time she canceled. i mean it isn't bothering me much at this point i can understand some of it but i wonder it piled up it might start. i know this time it was a boundary thing but geezz

[tinyrabbit]

Granite, in your shoes I think I would be upset sand would want to discuss it in more depth with T.

Didn't she say she would be at the hospital; perhaps the hospital IS out of town? And she may well be "fine" even if she will be at the hospital; just a test or small procedure or something of that nature.

[rainbow8]

My T has told me she has a meeting when she's had to leave quickly after my session. I know she was doing therapy with someone at home once, so it wasn't really a lie. Or, if it's something personal that's none of my business, she's said "I have a meeting."

The one time she lied and changed it to the truth was really none of my business. It's when I guessed that something was wrong with her marriage and I asked her about it. She said "no", everything is all right and I said I was glad. Then she changed her mind and told me the truth. She said she didn't feel right lying to me, and I was grateful that she felt that way. I KNEW because she and her H traveled a lot, then suddenly no more trips. I was almost certain my intuition was correct, and it was.

I don't like when my T lies, even white lies. I'd rather know she had something personal to do after a session, than hear she has a "meeting." I know it's crossing boundaries, but I KNOW when she's making something up. I would have been hurt if she told me later, or if I found out, about her marriage. It would have been okay if she didn't tell me, but since I guessed, I'd want her to tell me the truth.

[PeeJay]

T's are supposed to model honest behavior and true connection. They're our role models in that.

How hard is it to say, the following:

"I have to deal with an unexpected personal matter, so I have to cancel. I'm sorry. I know you'll worry about me but it's not your job to take care of me. I'm still here for you."

"I'm sorry that I was late. I may be good at listening and knowing about psychology theories, but I sometimes struggle with time management. It is truly not personal to you."

"I will be coming in from off site next week. So I may be running late. I wanted to give you a heads up. I will make it up to you at the end of that happens."

"I spoke to your PDoc, but what we covered was confidential. It's not even that it's a big secret, it's just that we covered many things and so to protect your privacy and others, I just generally don't give details about these discussions. Now let's talk about how you're doing."

There are ways to be honest and honor boundaries without lying. Lying is never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever necessary.

Lying is an unintelligent way to handle something difficult, and it is a betrayal. The English language is vast and diverse and there are ways to communicate truth without going into too much detail.

It makes me angry that my ex-T was smart enough to get a PhD, but too stupid to figure out a way to be honest with me without lying. Ex-T also once said she couldn't find time to meet because she was presenting at a conference. I looked up the conference schedule and her presentation day was five days before our scheduled meeting, and the conference ENDED three days before our scheduled meeting.

Here's another sentence that T's can try on for size:

"I am afraid that I cannot help you any longer with my skill set. Can I please provide a referral? I'm sorry this feels like an abandonment, but I will see you through the transition and I am here to discuss it with you."

IT IS NOT THAT HARD TO BE HONEST!

There are no "white" lies. There is authenticity and trickery.

Yes, clearly, I feel strongly about this!

I'm sorry to display my anger here. I hope it is useful to someone.

[Wren_]

i've had it happen
i react badly
i talk about it

with a previous t it ended up being a pattern and included big lies so needed to end

with another t, talking about it and working our way through it actually strengthened the relationship ... and also on a few occasions it sorted out what i thought was a white lie, and what looked like one, but actually wasn't