The last week it had been nagging in my head that after 10yrs in this therapy I can't go any further. I could feel the weight inside my chest holding my speech down.
I arrived yesterday in my normal manner. Aware of the doubts I had been having. But just like before. I begin to say something and T asks a question about the feelings involved in what I was saying and I was transported back in time.
Now I have many traumas. If I listed my life it would appear unreal or to dramatic to have happened to just one person, but it did. And I talk about most with T.
But my most complicated one, my csa one has been spoken about but there's so much to it. It feels so tangled up within my core that I feel strangled by it. Eaten up by it. It has it seems as much power over me as it/ he had then.
So yesterday I am transported back. I know this is a cross roads for me. Do I some how trust me, trust T enough to put it into words.
I did it. Why I thought T would be anything other than her usual compassionate, proffessional self, I don't know.
As I said what I said. T said "he continued to have power over you even then". I nodded YES! I think that released the spell of my own silence a bit. I realised I was still letting this person have power over me many years since they were gone out of my life.
I told T that I so don't want to talk about this stuff. Than T said, remember just before the break you said you didn't want to get into 'this'? I said "no". I was puzzled, I had no memory of that.
I was amazed at how T was alway joining the pieces. She was holding the bits ready to help me place them.
T also said when I said I don 't want to talk about this, "no I know, but it's important that I'm not alone with it.

Last night I dreamt I was driving in a strange country (talking about stuff that felt like strange terrority too have done) where illegal immigrants were trying to hide (my conscious ****) and I'm driving and have to wipe my arse but worry if I hide the soiled tissue I'll forget it and it will be found (my unconscious ****) so instead I rest it on my knees (feel more able to trust if I don't bury it deep I'll manage it now).
My inner **** and outer world **** seem to have begun to balance.

[Perna]

Glad you had that breakthrough!

[CantExplain]

((Mouse))

Good work! It takes courage to do that.

*sigh*. More stuff is pushing to the front of the queue now.
It's like the floodgates have been breeched
My only defence for tomorrow's session is timing. I need to pace, hold myself tight before I even contemplate opening my mouth