Transparency with T/Pdoc

Hi Melissa, you need NO forgiveness for not wanting to start over! But yes, if you can't talk about what's bugging you....then it's not doing you any good. And it sounds like you are really at a point where you want to help yourself.

Recovery should be for yourself and never for your therapist and psychiatrist. They are your allies, not friends or people you see because you like them but don't want to comply to their recommendations.

You have to talk about what is going on for change to occur. Exploring and understanding your self injury will help you quit, not some silly contract that prevents you from talking. How can you recover if you cannot talk about your problems?

You have lots to think about, but I think once you determine what you need coming to a decision to continue with your present providers or not will be a lot easier. Right now, you seem torn between keeping your therapist and psychiatrist, and self injury.

Sorry, if my post sounded really abrasive.

PS. I want you to feel understood, not judged, by the way! I've been in a similar (kind of) I almost got kicked out of college for self-harm. When my counselor threatened me with this ultimatum, I did NOT stop self-harming, but instead went underground with it. Ultimately, I had to find another counselor who I could really talk to about this issue. I wish the very, very best for you, Melissa.

I think it might be helpful for you to approach you T this way:
Start off by telling your T how committed you feel to the therapy process with them. This is to reassure them. Always a good starting point if you are worried about their reaction.
The purpose of the contract was not just legal protection for them, it was also to give you a strong commitment to the treatment, both therapy and medication.
Then say that you need to talk about the contract that you made. That you are struggling with the idea that you might feel compelled to hide something you had done, or even thought about doing, from your T.
Tell them you are worried this may limit what you can talk about with them, and you do not want to have any restrictions on this, because it is important to you that they can help you with everything, because you are strongly committed to working with them.