[IndestructibleGirl]

Not popping this into the 'romantic feelings' subcategory as it's not that kind of love.

I really feel like I love my therapist, like a close friend with a dash of wiser older sistery-ness, and also I've begun projecting maternal transference stuff. When I examine it I don't feel shame at the love itself - I love many and it's largely a positive experience I'm just embarrassed at the context. Fair enough, it's very common I know.

BUT. While I've told her a couple times in email, I cannot say it which makes me a bit sad. Last night on the phone after a wobbly day I sensed she was trying to give me ample room to say it, if I felt I wanted to - she said several times "all my love" and "lots of love", those kinds of things. I guess to try to make it a safe space. But I couldn't say it!!! I felt like a massive fool and just said "goodnight" stiltedly and hung up

I don't know why I have a struggle to say it, when I do feel it. Normally I'm brave and open with positive emotions like love - I just really suck at negative ones like fear and anger and bury them But with this connection, I can only say it in the written word, maybe I should make myself say it at the next appointment I hate feeling like a coward!

[Asiablue]

Is there any reason why you HAVE to say it, or why you're putting pressure on yourself to say it. You feel love for her and you expressed it in email, so she does know and it's all ok and it sounds like she is very fond of you too. It would be an interesting thing to explore at some point if you want to but it's ok to just chill with it just now.

I'm with Asia, you don't have to say it... but if you want to and can't , maybe you can explore what is causing the fear of saying it. I know for me it would be rejection or that I crossed a boundary. ((((HUG))))

[IndestructibleGirl]

You're both right - there IS no need for me to actually verbalize it! I guess it's just making me feel like I'm ducking out of discussing it, or something. But that doesn't have to be true either, the discussion can just be put on ice for a while I suppose Though if she's giving me clear signals that that discussion would be okay now, what if she stops, and then it's harder to bring up down the line. Hmm.

Can you discuss the idea that you have a feeling toward someone that you find hard to verbalize? I realize this is the " I have a friend who...." approach , but it may be able to talk about if you take T out of the equation.

[IndestructibleGirl]

That's an interesting point, LolaCabanna, and right on the money! The only other person I feel stiff and ridiculous saying 'I love you' to is a member of my immediate family and a large part of why I'm in treatment to begin with. Though I do make myself say it to that family member (cause I do feel love for them, very much, but the relationship is complex and muddled) it feels so embarrassing to say it at times. O hai there, transference. Again. Lol

[Hope-Full]

So interesting to read your post, as I've been in a similiar prediciment for a while myself. I know that T knows I love her (in a completely non romantic, big-sister-ish way) but I can't say it to her. I've written it to her, I just can't speak the words to her. I've been trying to figure out why it's so important to me to tell her, and I can't come up with a reason other than "just because".... good food for thought!