[DelusionsDaily]

Are you completely honest with T/Pdoc?
Would you be completely honest with T if it meant possibly loosing the T? It's got to do with the contract I signed with her and it has to do with SH.

[anilam]

With T yes, completely honest- otherwise what's the point? With Pdoc- no, I was honest about things re the meds, nothing else.
Re your 2nd Q- IDK, I can't imagine being in situation where honesty with T meant I could loose him. I don't think it's right- cause you're pushed into keeping secrets and that's not helpful:/

I am very honest with my therapist about those types of things, yes.

If you're going to lose your therapist over being honest, then I would say he or she was not worth having in the first place. You deserve someone who you can be honest with, otherwise, what's the point?

[IndestructibleGirl]

Yes. It's like a damn compulsion. I get anxious if I think I'm unintentionally misleading her by saying things in a particular way and then feel guilty after and have to send messages to make sure things are piercingly clear. I've done things/ realized I have some really grim stuff in my past to deal with, and have blurted these things out in emails fully expecting to be terminated, braced for it. She keeps reassuring me nothing I can say will make her leave me, and that she will always have my back, but I guess a part of me just cannot believe this. So although it's different to your contract situation, I understand the anxiety you have completely - because everytime something new comes up that horrifies me I think well this is it, once I admit this, that'll be where I won't see the therapist for dust.

Fully aware I must be a particularly tedious client I wish I could be like those of you who are capable of holding stuff back in therapy a while, instead of feeling like I've had a glass of truth serum beforehand.

[Victoria'smom]

As I trust T more she gets more in depth answers. I have always been transparent but it's gone from Yes/No, short sentences to multi paragraph answers, almost conversations.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I've always been honest if asked direct questions, but it's taken me time to build up enough trust to offer things without being directly asked.

With really significant things, I do try to be honest with T and pdoc, even if it's very hard. I've never been put in the position of having to risk losing T by being honest with her. I sincerely hope I'm never put in that position. I think I'd still be honest with them both, but I would want to discuss things in depth with T about how my honesty will impact our relationship.

[ThisWayOut]

I try to be honest, but sometimes it's hard. I would be panicked about losing t over sh via contact. I actually panicked when my previous t has me sign a safety contact. We ended up talking about it for much of the session and i was able to tell him that it freaked me out because I felt like I knew I would fail, and do lose him as a therapist. We worked it out so that something like that would not happen.
I worry about that with my current t also, but I was able to bring that fear up and she said we would talk about it as it came up.
Has your t said that you will lose her for sh? Or is it just a "safety"/"no sh" contact? If so, is there room for discussion?
(Hugs)

No, I will never be honest with a therapist again. I lost my therapist because of being too honest. He couldn't handle it.

[DelusionsDaily]

"No use/abuse of any OTC medication, prescribed medication, or illegal drugs, or alcohol use. Otherwise, immediate termination and notification to psychiatrist."

"Zero tolerance for any suicidal threats, self harm, threats of harm to others, or any other behaviors deemed as risk taking to the client or others and/or admission to a hospital will result in immediate brief stay up to 72 hours and moved from home to Milestones."

Those are the exact words in the contract.

[stopdog]

I would not tell the therapist.
Plus I find the first part quite confusing.

[DelusionsDaily]

My T knows that I will use medication to hurt myself. That is just my method of choice because it leave no visible evidence externally.

[critterlady]

I would think that any T worth her salt would know that kind of contract would only encourage secret-keeping, at least the first part. It's unrealistic for a T to expect that the behavior for which a client is seeking treatment can be controlled by a threat of termination.

In answer to your original question, I am honest with my T, because he has shown me time and time again that nothing I say to him will push him away or have negative consequences.

[DelusionsDaily]

Secret keeping is exactly what I am doing and I hate it but if that is what I got to do to keep her...then so be it. At least until I find someone I can be honest with about the self harm.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

My T knows that I will use medication to hurt myself. That is just my method of choice because it leave no visible evidence externally.

Me too. I'm fairly open with people that I don't keep pills in my house - usually because when I do have a huge headache and mention it, people are always like "Why don't you just take a pill?" so I go "Because I don't have any in my house."

I don't abuse prescription meds, only because they're expensive and I don't want to go "I need another refill" as I don't want to be caught.

The other day I had two days in a row where I took a lot more advil than you should take in a day. I actually confessed to my T.... and then had to admit that it's a bad coping skill that I've had for years.

Basically, just wanted to say that I get your methods.

I also think that it's wrong of them to make it so that you can't even express the desire or negative thoughts. All it's going to do is make you lie.

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

"No use/abuse of any OTC medication, prescribed medication, or illegal drugs, or alcohol use. Otherwise, immediate termination and notification to psychiatrist."

"Zero tolerance for any suicidal threats, self harm, threats of harm to others, or any other behaviors deemed as risk taking to the client or others and/or admission to a hospital will result in immediate brief stay up to 72 hours and moved from home to Milestones."

Those are the exact words in the contract.

So, this says they will have you admitted in "Milestones" if you SH. What is Milestones? What would that entail? What kind of treatment would be provided there?

[healingme4me]

Is this compulsory therapy? The only contracts I've ever signed, were recognizing the cancellation policies.

As for the original posting, about being transparent with my T and PDoc? Yes, I've been honest and forthcoming. I feel, that for my therapy to be effective, being honest with them, shows I am being honest with myself. If I am honest with myself, then there is a level of effectiveness that this voluntary commitment to my self improvement and monitoring of my personal well being brings forth.

I do this, by choice. If I am not being honest, why bother? It's my time, my money.

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

"No use/abuse of any OTC medication, prescribed medication, or illegal drugs, or alcohol use. Otherwise, immediate termination and notification to psychiatrist."

"Zero tolerance for any suicidal threats, self harm, threats of harm to others, or any other behaviors deemed as risk taking to the client or others and/or admission to a hospital will result in immediate brief stay up to 72 hours and moved from home to Milestones."

Those are the exact words in the contract.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

"No use/abuse of any OTC medication, prescribed medication, or illegal drugs, or alcohol use. Otherwise, immediate termination and notification to psychiatrist."

"Zero tolerance for any suicidal threats, self harm, threats of harm to others, or any other behaviors deemed as risk taking to the client or others and/or admission to a hospital will result in immediate brief stay up to 72 hours and moved from home to Milestones."

Those are the exact words in the contract.

So that means that SH is considered risk taking and requires IP and same goes for the substance abuse?
Or does substance abuse mean no treatment at all?

[unlockingsanity]

I tell my Pdoc the truth. Sometimes I give more detail than other times. You have a unique situation in that if you have ANY symptoms or actions about ANYTHING, you're screwed. If you don't want to go IP or lose them, then don't share and find someone who you can be honest with. I wouldn't encourage hiding stuff long terms, because what's the point in that? If you can't be yourself, those relationships are never going to be healing ones.

Are you talking about actual self harming or just THOUGHTS? Thoughts aren't listed in your quotation, so I'm assuming you could tell them you're struggling with thoughts of self harming.

I don't know your whole story (just stuff since this "contract"). Did something huge happen that was a precursor to all of this?

[DelusionsDaily]

Yeah I had 2 suicide attempts in 3 days so my Pdoc decided to have me sign a contract in order to stay with him and my T did the same. My T added the two terms listed above which leave me feeling like I'm going to have to lie through treatment...at least about the self harm.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

Yeah I had 2 suicide attempts in 3 days so my Pdoc decided to have me sign a contract in order to stay with him and my T did the same. My T added the two terms listed above which leave me feeling like I'm going to have to lie through treatment...at least about the self harm.

Sounds like their trying to cover their butts incase you are successful in killing yourself.

You didn't mention if you've actually self harmed or if it's just thoughts. Maybe you could just SAY it is thoughts even if you have self harmed? At least you'd be letting them in somewhat without affecting the "contract" ?

Melissa, considering your thread on another forum here about your SH, I really think you need to be straight with your pdoc and therapist about what you are doing to yourself and take their recommendation to go into inpatient treatment. You are putting yourself in serious danger and that is exactly why they have placed you under these contracts.

[DelusionsDaily]

So far so good today...i have not self harmed at all. Im really scared to tell my T about all of this...Im sure she will terminate if I tell her. So maybe I will just call Pdoc and tell him. Or find another way to broach the subject with T without outright telling her Im self harming. We'll see.

Melissa, this is insane. None of this is doing you any good. You have GOT to talk your providers about this, or else find new providers. Seriously, how long can this go on? We are all behind you as you advocate for yourself! This current situation is never going to work...you, trapped in a contract you hate, struggling with behaviors you can't talk about...? How is this doing ANY good? The worst thing that will happen is they terminate you, right? So you start fresh with someone else. Maybe that's not such a bad idea if you can't get what you need from these current providers. Unless there is more to this story we don't know, something just has to give.

[DelusionsDaily]

Pumpkineater...i understand your frustration as I feel very much the same way. But forgive me for not wanting to start over with new professionals. But your right if I cant talk about the REAL issues...is it really helping?

[growlithing]

Yeah so if my T and pdoc had me sign such a contract, I would not tell them anything and I'd just self destruct quietly. I think you need to find a new T/pdoc/whatever is making this happen. Maybe one that is more skilled in handling self harm. I don't know.