[IndestructibleGirl]

I don't know where to start with this. First I guess- I'm sorry for all the threads in such a short space of time. I cannot be brutally frank with my even my dearest friends. I've put a potential trigger icon on this because it's dark stuff

Last night I dreamed a family member sexually abused me. I've never had a conscious memory of this - emotional abuse, sure, but nothing like this. I've wondered about the possibility of something sexually inappropriate before but had no memory. I dunno. It wasn't rape but it was horrific and I woke up with sweat lashing out of me, nearly called in sick to work but thought I was better off with distraction.

I don't know if it was real and a repressed memory coming up after many years or wtf is going on. Felt on the edge of crazy all day, but got through the day and I guess I'm okay, because I got plenty of work done so I feel useful and successful and even if the dream was real being good at my job reminds me I'm still * me * and a success in my own right and it's a f#ck you to the man in question.

I texted my therapist this morning on the way to work. There were schoolchildren around, so I could not say any of those words in a voicemail for example. No reply all day - fine, whatever. But I'm really thinking I need to quit. It just doesn't feel like there's substance behind her promises to "be there" and lots of stuff is being dredged up and I don't know how to deal with it- I feel so guilty saying that as she's been awesome on several occasions, but right now I feel incredibly peculiar and cut off. There's nobody else I can bring this up with. I'm not sure what to do. Either I was molested or I'm disgustingly sick in the head, and both of these options are disturbing me if I allow myself to think on it

What would you do?

[stopdog]

If it were me, I would call the therapist and see if they had an appointment available within the next day or so. Or ask for a call back rather than text. But I am old and the therapist is older - text is not my natural way of communicating and I often don't see texts to me until late in the day. And I would remind myself I don't think dreams are often literal.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I don't know where to start with this. First I guess- I'm sorry for all the threads in such a short space of time. I cannot be brutally frank with my even my dearest friends. I've put a potential trigger icon on this because it's dark stuff

Last night I dreamed a family member sexually abused me. I've never had a conscious memory of this - emotional abuse, sure, but nothing like this. I've wondered about the possibility of something sexually inappropriate before but had no memory. I dunno. It wasn't rape but it was horrific and I woke up with sweat lashing out of me, nearly called in sick to work but thought I was better off with distraction.

I don't know if it was real and a repressed memory coming up after many years or wtf is going on. Felt on the edge of crazy all day, but got through the day and I guess I'm okay, because I got plenty of work done so I feel useful and successful and even if the dream was real being good at my job reminds me I'm still * me * and a success in my own right and it's a f#ck you to the man in question.

I texted my therapist this morning on the way to work. There were schoolchildren around, so I could not say any of those words in a voicemail for example. No reply all day - fine, whatever. But I'm really thinking I need to quit. It just doesn't feel like there's substance behind her promises to "be there" and lots of stuff is being dredged up and I don't know how to deal with it- I feel so guilty saying that as she's been awesome on several occasions, but right now I feel incredibly peculiar and cut off. There's nobody else I can bring this up with. I'm not sure what to do. Either I was molested or I'm disgustingly sick in the head, and both of these options are disturbing me if I allow myself to think on it

What would you do?

I would wait until you see your therapist before you make a decision about quitting. The first reaction to quit is completely normal. I've gone through it and I'm sure other people have as well. Maybe she was super busy and couldn't get back to you or maybe she missed the message. Don't count her out yet. I'd write down what you can remember from the dream and bring it to session - including your physical reactions.

[IndestructibleGirl]

My physical reactions included bruising my ribcage in my sleep, and cracking my head off my iron bedframe hard enough to leave a small cut, which woke me up and I only discovered after lunch today

If it's not real, I'm incredibly screwed in the head. If it is real..I don't even know what to think.

[stopdog]

I don't think disturbing dreams mean you are screwed in the head or that the dream material has to be literal. I do realize dreams can be very distressing, but I don't think those are the only two options.

[anilam]

Trigger for CSA

I have nightmares, I dreamt about every damn thing imaginable to my sick brain.
I was abused in childhood by my grandfather and I sometimes have dreams about being raped by my mum/dad/sis... never ever have I had a "real" dream about it. Dreams are funny things. I do get how icky you feel right now- plus not knowing must be really hard. Sometimes, I'm glad that my abuse lasted for so long. (early memories don't make sense:/)

Pretty common for a T not to reply sometimes- would be really hard to find one who doesn't. Id agree with SD, calling for an extra session might be a good idea

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thank you all for replying. I feel a bit less of a sicko, I don't know where I'd go with my verbal projectile vomit if it weren't for here

I just think that this is a giant great big warning to STOP DIGGING into my head though. I don't care (emotionally) about the therapist not getting back to me because I don't feel attached in the slightest anymore - I don't want to speak with her and certainly don't want to see her, after telling her that. But it feels a bit futile. I'm at a loss how to deal with this in a healthy manner, real or unreal, and I don't want days like this to become my norm.

[A Red Panda]

Having a horrendous nightmare does not make you messed up in any way. I have a looooot of absolutely horrible nightmares. I die, other people die, people have been tortured.... my brain comes up with the most horrifying horror films I've ever watched.

They're also incredibly realistic. But I wake up, and I know they're nightmares. If someone I know is in them, I tend to look more at the theme of what was going on instead of what they actually did. Like... if my mom is in my dream? Usually I am really needing help. And she doesn't help. Or I have a huge argument with an ex, or things like that.

If I had a nightmare that I thought had the potential of being a memory... well... I'd process it probably like it was a memory, with the exception that I would likely not address it with the people involved because of the chance that it was just a dream. But I am not really sure as I've never had that (although I did once have an argument with my family over somewhere we went - it turned out that we'd never gone there. I had dreamed it!)

[Arha]

Firstly, do not worry that you have a problem because you had a dream about this sort of thing.
Dreams are mainly unknown in purpose, but have been linked to other functions of the brain that allow animals to survive very threatening situations.
We don't know whether they are useful or not, and we certainly cannot say that they are always significant.
One theory is they are random and another that they are a shuffling of memories and associations, given a narrative just because that is the way our brain works, another that they are related to sensations we encounter while we sleep.

I know that this probably doesn't seem very useful, saying that we don't know what dreams are for, but I am trying to show that all the science and understanding we have is not at all conclusive, so you cannot conclude that your dream has a particular cause or significance. It could mean nothing, or it could mean that you are dealing with a whole lot of significant emotional stuff and you are reprocessing it, or it could mean, like me, you are having vivid dreams because of medication, or that you remember the dream because you woke up straight after it, and perhaps you dream like that at other times but don't remember it.

I had really horrid dreams on some antidepressants. Stephen King type dreams, with family members as lead characters. These dreams were as clear and complex and plausible as a movie is, and I remember them in more detail than many movies I have watched, but I know that the real people who featured in them have never done those things. They'd all be in prison.

[Rive.]

When is your next session with T? Could you leave her a message stressing it is important/urgent (even if you can’t be explicit in a phone call).

Once in session, I think you should also raise the issue of help not being as readily available as she made out. It is hard to hear someone promise “I’ll be there” and not follow through, especially since therapy can open a lot of unearthed stuff at times. So you need to feel supported. If you say she’s been awesome at times, she might accommodate you and your needs better. But do discuss this with her so, hopefully, you can both arrange something convenient.

Finally, even if said abuse did not occur in real life, it doesn’t mean you are “disgustingly sick”. The unconscious has its own rules and ways of coping. Maybe the dream might have attempted to ‘resolve’ x-y-z issue but in a sexual 'format'. All are things to explore with your T... I do think it would be advisable not to quit therapy for the moment. At least not when so many unresolved issues are stirred up.