[IndestructibleGirl]

I feel a mess but there was no point pretending they didn't exist, because they do. I don't think I'll ever do it, but I want to move on from having to pour so much energy, so much blood and sweat and tears, into not getting close to doing it. If that makes sense. I am f*cking exhausted by everything today.

I guess if she terminates me then she wasn't the right one to advise me on this process of working out what to do with my head. We made an extra appointment for tomorrow morning, so we'll see.

It's been snowballing for a while but I am so lost tonight

[Raging Quiet]

(((((((((((Girl)))))))))))))

I doubt she will terminate you over having suicidal thoughts. Those kinds of thoughts are more common than you may realize. Hopefully she'll be able to help you find ways to cope with those upsetting thought. I know how disturbing they can be.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I don't believe she'll dump me either, but I suppose about a quarter of me thinks she'll refer me somewhere else.

I just feel so low. I'm stopping myself going out partying and distracting myself with alcohol and sex, because I think that's the most destructive of all my habits right now - but other old warped coping mechanisms have stepped right up instead. And because I'm shutting myself away from socializing I'm staring at walls all night alone. I can't win.

I know when I'm like that, doing opposite of what I "want" to do is what I really need to do. If I want to isolate (which tends to lead to more thoughts and impulsiveness), then it's better if I get out. Even if it isn't actually "social", maybe going to the bookstore and finding a place to read or have a cup of tea or something. Hard to make myself do that, but it does help focus my thinking elsewhere for a bit. I'm sure your T will be able to help you come up with some alternative coping skills that are healthier and safer.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

I am never without my suicidal thoughts. Sometimes they are worse than others. Mostly I don't act on them. It's been years since I have done that.
This is a excerpt from Richard Schwartz's article on BPD
"To escape the bad feelings generated by the exile states, other parts of you develop an arsenal of distracting activities, to be used as needed. You feel the urge to get drunk, or you abruptly go numb and find yourself feeling confused and flat. If those efforts don’t work, you may be both comforted and terrified by thoughts of suicide. If you qualify for the borderline personality disorder diagnosis, it’s likely that you also have two sets of protective parts that specialize in handling relationships: the recruiters and the distrusters." The bolded statement (I bolded it) really spoke to me. My thoughts of suicide are a way that I self soothe. I had a wonderful therapist who understood this. She didn't try to talk me out of these thoughts, but asked me to put off acting on them. She used to say, "If things aren't better in 6 months, you can do it then". This worked and was comforting to me. I personally think it is awful for T's and pdoc's to "fire" patients because of suicide attempts. You're a mental health professional for cryin' out loud. If you didn't want to deal with this you should have picked dermatology.

[IndestructibleGirl]

GeorgiaGirl, your last line made me laugh - so thank you for the giggle

Thank you for sharing the quote too, I get exactly what you mean about using it to self soothe. That's basically what my email to my therapist was about. I feel suicide for me is like the little arsenic pill stored in a tooth of a spy in a James Bond movie, subtle and unobtrusive but when things get really bad, if they REALLY need to end it, they can crack the tooth and swallow the pill. I spend far too much time wondering if I'm at the time where I should consider cracking the tooth

[IndestructibleGirl]

Well, I didn't get thrown out. Not a mention of it, in fact. I think it's starting to sink more fully in that no matter what I say to this therapist, she won't tell me to get lost. In 8 weeks I feel like I've run through a lot of potential pitfalls - transference, telling her I love her, self harm, disordered eating, suicidal thoughts, weird sex stuff. I am such a cliche lol But you know, it's a relief now that she possibly knows all the worst bits of me and is still cool to work with me

And by god did we work this morning. In my opinion anyway. She gave me so much insight into why my thoughts were going the way they were, and I felt so much clearer and untangled after. It's not that I feel totally fixed or happy or anything, but everything makes a lot more sense (long may that continue, I hope it doesn't dissolve in the next hour or so ) and my hope is back.

Ah, thank you folks who read this thread. Appreciate it greatly xxx