T drew fantasy/reality cycle for me

rainbow8 · Oct 01, 2013, 05:09 PM

T is trying to help me, I know. I wanted to pour out my feelings for her, but she wanted to talk about what's underneath them. Good T. I tried to listen. She is taking an addictions course and I asked if it is only about addictions to drugs, or is it about people too? She said it's about all addictions.

So, the reality includes my emotions such as lonliness, lack of connection, feeling no one loves me, and feeling I'm invisible. Then, the fantasy comes into play to satisfy those needs. For a while, it feels good, and feels better, but then it starts hurting because it's not real, it's only fantasy. As when I want her to be everything to me. The reality, like at today's session, sinks in. Then I feel worse than I felt in the first place. So the cycle continues, wanting the fantasy and being jolted back to reality when it doesn't satisfy me. That's how addiction is.

There's an arrow to "vision" but I don't remember how that fits in.

So, no more warm fuzzy T. She did sit next to me and look at photos I took over the last 2 weeks.

We did SE about the heaviness I felt in the session. That helped a little, but she screwed up at the end of the session. I said when I got up to leave "I don't know what to do..." She said something like "I had a wonderful time with you today" and I knew she was teasing me. She said because I was whiney at the end. She doesn't like my whining. She's told me that before. I just didn't have time to say, again, that I feel stuck. She told me I need to get on with my life, and that 2 weeks was probably too long to stay at my daughter's house. She wants me to find things to do this week to make me happy.

I asked her why many Ts don't even mention transference. She says that they know about it, but don't feel the need to bring it up in those terms.

So I went to the lake and cried. I met a 98 year old lady who actually cheered me up! She didn't look her age. She complimented me on the way I walked into the water with my clothes on. We talked for awhile and I felt better. I also called my friend.

I have some stuff to do in my RL that's frustrating me. I told T that. I emailed her already because I told her it doesn't make a difference in how I feel about her, emailing or not emailing. I thought about her for 2 weeks for nothing!!!! I'm angry with myself, not her. I feel like I will struggle with this stuff for the rest of my life. When I'm not seeing her any more, I'll wish I could see someone else. The pattern is very, very hard to break. It requires me to behave in ways that are difficult. Plan a lot of activities and take risks and get upset stomachs, and not sleep. It's crummy but maybe I'll feel better after I've been home awhile.