[boredporcupine]

It came to my awareness lately that there are some things I try to prove about myself in therapy. Recently for some reason I thought my T was not acknowledging how hard I was trying in therapy or in life. After ranting at her about all the things I was dealing with and how I thought I had dealt with them comparatively well...it entered my mind that maybe she wasn't constantly telling me about how hard she saw me trying because it was something she took for granted. So I asked if it had ever even crossed her mind that I might not be working hard enough and she said that no, it never had. So there I was, running around trying to prove I was trying hard enough, being brave enough to deserve help...when in her mind, it was never even an issue. She said to me recently in an email that I deserve to be treated with respect in kindness because of who I am, not what I do. I didn't understand that at first, but I think maybe she means that she has a picture of me a person and how she feels about me, which isn't influenced much by any single thing I do. Maybe she takes it completely for granted that I am worthy of her help and isn't constantly reevaluating this at every turn.

So my question is, is there something you find yourself trying to "prove" about yourself in therapy? If so, what is it, and why do you think you try to prove it? Is there someone else you're really trying to prove it to aside from your T?

[purplemystery]

I have definitely done this before too. I have tried to prove to my T that I am trying to my best to open up, and that it is taking me awhile because I get really nervous. I don't think she understood, and she would say things like "Maybe you should try to stop censoring yourself. I know it's scary and feels strange at first, but you get used to it." I had to prove to her that I was trying as hard as I could. Perhaps like you, I was doing this for nothing. I have never really asked her, but it's possible that she did understand this and didn't think that I was faking my nervousness.

Another example is that I have always tried to prove to her that there is something wrong with me: that I am abnormal in terms of social anxiety. I present information with the abnormal bent, but she has always tried to show me that I am okay the way I am. Her view on me was so different from my self-image that it bothered me. I just wanted to hear her say that I was abnormal and/or strange (not necessarily in those words). I think it's because a lot of people put pressure on me in the past to be more outgoing. Maybe this was a few years ago and I've changed, but it never used to be a question to anyone that I should change. That was always obvious. But eventually I realized that my T was right. I have gotten a lot better, and I'm at the point in my life where I'm on the "normal" anxiety spectrum.

[ar2004]

I find myself trying to prove that I shouldn't be diagnosed with an ED but I am not sure I am even convincing myself of that. T's have a good sense of when someone is in denial and I think my T has really respected that in me for now by not pushing the matter.

[tealBumblebee]

I find myself trying to prove to T that i'm worth not giving up on. She's never given me any inclination that she feels that way, it's just a subconscious thing that I catch myself doing every now and then. I wanted to quit therapy because I didn't think I could do it and i'd be wasting her time. I opened up a little about things that I probably wouldn't have so soon because I didn't want her to think that I was putting any effort towards it. I completely understand where you are coming from.

[stopdog]

I don't think so.

[boredporcupine]

I've been thinking more about this and I think maybe it's something I've been doing for a long time.

I have some issues with my mom. She's not always all that "maternal" and as a result I always seemed to be looking for mothering from teachers at school. It was always about trying to impress them at get their attention by being the most responsible, most insightful student, proving I was worthy of being noticed.

Then a few years ago I had a maternal/mentor figure who dumped me rather roughly. In the process she accused me of giving up too often and "aiming too low." Although I don't think much of her anymore, maybe part of me is still trying to prove her wrong.

Then only a couple weeks ago my husband accused me of "being in a rut," blaming all my problems on him, and not being willing to look at my own stuff. So maybe that also accounts for my resurgent need to "prove" to my T that I was owning my stuff and wanting to deal with it...

[feralkittymom]

I think when we didn't experience our efforts validated growing up, it sets us up to seek that validation from other authority figures. But at the same time, since we didn't have the experience, we didn't learn how to recognize and value esteem for ourselves; this undermines our confidence and lessens our resilience to set-backs. Unconditional regard from our Ts helps because it allows us the space to reset. As our self-esteem grows, so does our confidence and resilience, at the same time our need to prove ourselves--the please see me need--lessens. I tended to do this, but show it in the opposite way: I craved the validation, but found the being seen to be quite painful. So I would minimize and hide my accomplishments and positive feelings, so sure that they would be taken away or destroyed once recognized. It took a long time building sufficient trust in myself before I could allow that part of me to show and be comfortable in the validation received.