[Butterflying]

Well I posted I recently lost my mom and I felt my T wasn't very supportive. Just last Monday my husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. It's been a shock and here I am a single parent and sole bread winner. It's been the worst week of my life. Not only that, but its only been5 months since my mom died.

My T saw me at my regular appt time and said "lots of people have hard things happen to them". He also said some good things about not avoiding and getting back to work. No sympathy, touch on the arm--said he could be like that but it wouldn't help long term. And nothing since Thursday--no call, no email, no how are you and your family. I think that's wrong and I'm hurt. I may not go back (after over 10 years). I think this is something I really can't forgive.

[ECHOES]

I'm so sorry you've lost your husband, and so soon after losing your mom is too much

I hope you will go back and talk more about this with your T. My T has said the same thing about something similar, but I would feel awfully hurt if I was in your position. It is so disappointing.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Butterflying

Well I posted I recently lost my mom and I felt my T wasn't very supportive. Just last Monday my husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. It's been a shock and here I am a single parent and sole bread winner. It's been the worst week of my life. Not only that, but its only been5 months since my mom died.

My T saw me at my regular appt time and said "lots of people have hard things happen to them". He also said some good things about not avoiding and getting back to work. No sympathy, touch on the arm--said he could be like that but it wouldn't help long term. And nothing since Thursday--no call, no email, no how are you and your family. I think that's wrong and I'm hurt. I may not go back (after over 10 years). I think this is something I really can't forgive.

If you can't forgive him, you might as well quit. But first, tell him how you feel.

Madame T let me down in a similar way. I told her how I felt but it didn't do any good. So I quit.

I have spent the last six months erasing her from my heart.

[Nerak67]

I'm so sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine how hard it is. I'm sorry your t wasn't there for you like you needed. It hurts when the people you count on let you down.
I hope you have someone giving you the support you need if not your t.

[likelife]

I'm so sorry, butterflying. It seems only human to offer comfort. I hope that you have a good support system on which to lean.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Hugs )))

Such huge losses. I am so sorry. I hope you have a support network in place, aside from T, to help you during these difficult times.

I agree with the idea of talking to your T about how you feel. I'd feel incredibly hurt as well.

[blur]

i am really sorry for the losses of both your mom and husband. that must be so overwhelming all at once.

i also think talking with your T and telling him what you need right now would be good. it sounds like he really dropped the ball. quitting T would be another loss so i'm not sure that would be a good idea right now. of course you have to do what you think is best.

[Favorite Jeans]

I'm sending love and comfort your way through the ether. I'm so sorry that your husband died. That's terrible. I hope you get all the support and kindness you need at this awful time.

Maybe talking to your T about your feelings is the "right" thing to do but if I lost my spouse and my T's main reaction was "lots of people have hard things happen to them" I honestly don't think I'd ever go back. I've left Ts for less. Sympathy in the wake of a tragedy, knowing someone important cares about your pain and loss, does indeed help in the short and long run.

[Yoda]

That is such a shame that your T is not more sympathetic. Even my veterinarian was kinder than your T when she sent me a card after we had to euthanize my old Aust cattle dog several years ago.

I am sorry for your losses.

I am so sorry to hear about your husband. These kinds of losses are so very difficult. I would try to hold on to the good things that you said your T did say as much as possible. I know that is hard to do when we keep replaying the one bad thing that was said, but try to keep the entirety of the conversation in mind rather than make a quick decision to end it with your T.

Talk to your T about what you need from him right now. Is physical touch something that has been common in your relationship with him? If not, he may need an indication from you that it would be okay with you. Has he called you unannounced previously? Many T's won't under any circumstance. Perhaps you need to ask him to check on you a few times this week or ask if you can call and touch base with him a few times.

I lost my sister a couple of years ago, and while my T was very supportive in session, he did not contact me on his own. That would have been very unusual for him regardless of the situation. But I felt comfortable enough to call him just to speak to him when I was feeling overwhelmed and he was quite willing to listen.

You may just need to ask for what you need as T's have boundaries they have to balance with everything that is going on in our lives. I know we wish it wasn't so, but that doesn't mean they don't care. They just have a certain way they have to go about things in order to maintain that balance between professionalism and personal contact.

Be kind to yourself and reach out for what you need.

[growlycat]

This is way more than "having something hard happen"-- this is a lot for one person to bear in a short amount of time. I am really so sorry for your losses and I'm appalled at your T's lack of a proper response.

I hope you can find support in rl that you need and deserve.

Oh my, I am so sorry butter flying
That is just terrible about your two losses and your t. I agree with Blur though that if you quit it will be another huge loss after ten years of working together but how attached are you to him?
If it was me I would have quit there and then and walked out after calling him an *******!
That is totally invalidating and comparing and unsympathetic and he has not right being a t with that attitude.
Yes people have bad things happen but what has that got to do with this? You are two huge losses and having to stay strong and earn money to support the kids and still managing to go to therapy. You are strong but please don't let your t minimise this because you can feel whatever way you want. This is a crisis point in your life and you need support from him.

[Rive.]

Sorry for your loss Butterflying. You’re having it tough...

I (just my opinion) don’t think your T was being very sensitive here. What he said is a bit of a platitude and really not very supportive. It comes across as ‘suck it up’. I don’t find that very respectful either... Yes, bad things happen but does that mean we are not entitled to feel and express pain, nor receive any comfort in such instances? We are not robots. Human beings have feelings and it takes time to process the grief and shock and sadness, esp since you’ve had another recent loss 5 months ago.

I also disagree with him saying: “it wouldn't help long term”. Granted, we all process grief differently but withholding support when someone is experiencing distress and when it could help them, seems a bit callous to me. There is nothing wrong with comforting/giving support when something awful happens. Maybe let him know that this is what you need for right now, esp since it is so raw and recent.

Before you decide anything, maybe a couple of things to assess: how supportive has he been been overall during these 10 years (you say he's not been so great over the loss of your mom)? If he's been a good T maybe give him a chance and tell him what you need i.e. his support. Do tell him how you feel and how his comments/reaction make you feel. But if he has been 'flaky' and now withholds what you need, maybe it would effectively be time to reconsider this relationship...

[MoxieDoxie]

OMG you lost your husband! I would seek out a grief counselor right away. I would be inconsolable be if my Husband died. Grief is a real diagnosis and you need support not a pep talk on how everyone goes through hard times. What is wrong with your T?

[nicoleflynn]

He negated your feelings.......I am so sorry. I would tell him how that made you feel. Yes, we all know hard things happen to us, but this was about YOU and YOUR feelings about your loss.

[Butterflying]

Thank you all for the very insightful and kind replies. I am grateful for this site because I knew I could come here and receive support which I need so much right now. You can't believe how horrible it was to find out my husband passed away--and now sleeping in our bed alone. I think about the things I could have done or should have done, wanting one more hug and kiss...just to talk about the future and what I should do. I'll never get to do those things. I wonder who I am and where my life is going. I also have a teenage son with Aspergers--a huge challenge. I don't feel sorry for myself and I'm going back to work today, after one week because I need to. I wonder how I will pay my bills, the mortgage....ya I emailed my T last night. He answered that he didnt want to be criticized anymore. He was angry. He can't stand hearing I'm unhappy and why--he gets defensive. I told him to imagine if he lost his wife--that's how it feels yo me. He got angry. I told him his being a Christian could guide his responses to me first at this time. He said I was saying he isn't a good Christian. What I meant was he could be more. Compassionate. It's next to impossible to communicate with him. He's always right. Ya this is already a loss--he lack of sensitivity and expression of caring.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Butterflying

Thank you all for the very insightful and kind replies. I am grateful for this site because I knew I could come here and receive support which I need so much right now. You can't believe how horrible it was to find out my husband passed away--and now sleeping in our bed alone. I think about the things I could have done or should have done, wanting one more hug and kiss...just to talk about the future and what I should do. I'll never get to do those things. I wonder who I am and where my life is going. I also have a teenage son with Aspergers--a huge challenge. I don't feel sorry for myself and I'm going back to work today, after one week because I need to. I wonder how I will pay my bills, the mortgage....ya I emailed my T last night. He answered that he didnt want to be criticized anymore. He was angry. He can't stand hearing I'm unhappy and why--he gets defensive. I told him to imagine if he lost his wife--that's how it feels yo me. He got angry. I told him his being a Christian could guide his responses to me first at this time. He said I was saying he isn't a good Christian. What I meant was he could be more. Compassionate. It's next to impossible to communicate with him. He's always right. Ya this is already a loss--he lack of sensitivity and expression of caring.

OMG. Really? Really he said that? I'm speechless!

[ultramar]

Hi Butterflying, I'm sorry that your relationship with your therapist is causing even more hurt.

Can you give some more context regarding your e-mail conversation with your therapist? It's so hard to tell with snippets of conversations/e-mails what's going on. What you present is positively evil, but it's easier and more effective -at least for me- to respond with more information/context.

[Butterflying]

Our emails:
I said: it would have been nice if you would've called or emailed me asking how I'm doing. (It had been a week since I first told him in an email--at that time he said he was sorry).

He said: " We can discuss any additional criticisms tomorrow when I talk to you about insurance ". (He hasn't called)

I said: " i am hurt and disappointed. Strangers gave me more compassion. You said if you were sympathetic toward me it would be ok in the short term but not long term or unhealthy or something. I say what about being a Christian first. Would you want people to treat you like you treated me if your wife died suddenly ? Probably not.

I may need to take a break from therapy. Even during a time when I need support more than ever. I'm alone in many ways, but I doubt you will see or agree with my thoughts."

He said: "You question my being a Christian. You compare to if I lost my wife. It is clear I do not meet your expectations. I do not wish to be insulted any more

Do you wish me tell you What i can do regarding insurance since you do not want to pay up front because I am out of network? It seems irrelevant since i have so failed as a human being that you intend to take a break from therapy?"

That's it. Haven't heard from him. I sent him an email asking if we could work it out and that I felt he misunderstood my emails.

[Nerak67]

I am so sorry. That is just awful. I don't even know what to say. I can't believe it. You deserve better.

[Gavinandnikki]

He is grossly unprofessional and needs to be fired. Find someone who can help you. This guy is a very bad T.

Sorry butter flying but this man needs help. He is defensive, unwilling to take responsibility for his mistakes or flaws and worst of all he is projecting his anger at his failure onto you when you just need a bit of humanity or compassion.
I would keep that email and report him because this is so wrong. You deserve better

I'm going to be honest here. If you had questioned my faith and brought my spouse into the mix, I would have felt insulted and pretty angry myself. I realize he is a T and I guess should have just taken that from you as his client, but his was a pretty "human" response to that. Yes, you are going through a very hard time and he should be acting more sympathetic and supportive. I get that and agree with that. I just also see where you crossed a line with him with that comment and he reacted, badly perhaps, but it was a genuine reaction.

[FeelTheBurn]

It may have been a genuine reaction, but considering the context--a recent loss of parent and the immediate loss of her husband--I would hope anyone, especially a therapist, might show some forbearance in his response.

Butterflying, your T's actions and his reaction to you in your emails does not mean he's a bad therapist or a bad Christian or a bad man. Or whatever. But it does indicate that there is a major rupture between you, and that you are not getting your needs met. And it sounds like he's got some unexpressed stuff, too (which, frankly, he needs to stuff in his hat and take to a colleague or supervisor, not unleash on you). I wouldn't suggest you go without counseling at this time, but it might be time to go without HIM. Find a grief counselor, who can see you through the worst of it, and then maybe a grief group, maybe through your church or something. You need support, and that includes plenty of gentle words of sorrow, patience, and kindness.

I wish you peace in this terrible time.

I am so, so sorry.