[crazycat000]

Hi everyone! I am 15 years old and I am very confused about my relationship with my therapist. The other day, I left school to go to my therapy appointment, and she had forgotten to come. It wasn't my regular time, and apparently she was having a hard week but I waited and texted and called for 45 minutes. I ended up feeling so abandoned and started balling and ran to the bathroom to cut. It was then that she finally responded to my text messages with "Oh no! I am so sorry I totally forgot, where are you now?" to which I responded "I am in the bathroom having terrible urges and I don't know what to do." She told me to wait in her waiting room and she cancelled her next appointment for me. I have always seriously idolized my therapist and after her doing this I feel so betrayed by her and don't know how to go back to how I felt about her before. I was wondering 1) if any of you have ever experienced this kind of situation, how did you deal with it? 2) Do you think it would be a good idea to send her an email explaining my feelings on the situation and all of this that I am telling you all? Or would that be horrible because I don't want to hurt her again (she was really hurt when she found out I was having urges because of her)? 3) How do you think I can get over this feeling of abandonment?

I think telling her what you are telling us is a great idea. A T is taught how not to be "hurt" by their patients, she has training in dealing with these situations, so just be honest and worry about how YOU feel and less about how SHE will feel.

[shezbut]

I agree with Lola.

Be completely honest with your T, and tell her what you shared in here.

It sounds as though your T was very concerned about you that day, and thankfully, did the right thing. She cancelled her upcoming appointment and saw you, to make you see that she does care about you. That is good. While you appreciate the notion, you still have some emotions towards her that you're struggling with. And it is your T's job (one that she learned to do) to listen and validate your emotions.

You both have the same goals in therapy: to make yourself stronger and feel better.

[Crescent Moon]

I think you should tell her in person.

A therapist has a special role in your life. Her job is to ALWAYS put you first. You are not supposed to worry about hurting her. And I doubt she was hurt, she probably was very disappointed in herself, and felt terrible about how it made you feel.

Abandonment is a big deal. It's one of the most important things therapists learn about in their training. It is a failure on a therapist's part if they abandon a client. When she didn't show up, you very rightly experienced that as abandonment.

Your feelings about it are very legitimate. I think she will feel better about the whole thing if you talk to her about it when you see her next. Don't worry about her feelings. It's her job to manage her feelings, and I'm sure she will. Your job is to talk about how you experienced it, and that will give her the opportunity to repair the rupture in your relationship with her.

I hope it goes very well!

[Nightlight]

I was so hurt on the times when I turned up and my therapist didn't. It used to feel like I wasn't important enough, so I'd been forgotten. I think that when you have a big reaction to something like that, it means that it's hit on something that is really important to address. For me, it wasn't just about my relationship with my therapist, but how I felt in the world in general, as if I wasn't good enough. Although it was so hard for me to talk about those feelings, working though it each time was one of the things that helped me the most in therapy.

Now, some years after those early times when there were scheduling mix-ups, it really doesn't feel anywhere near as awful when my therapist or anyone else mixes things up in that way. I really have a strong sense of it not being about me and I realise just how negative I was being when my first reaction was always to make it about my own personal failings. What I gained by working through it in therapy is something that spills over into all sorts of other things in a helpful way as well.

My therapist doesn't remember things in the same way I do for one thing. My whole week was about surviving to that day. But she didn't remember me as someone she saw on a particular time and day. Occasionally, she'd written my name down on the wrong day. Once, I remember her reminding me that she'd forgotten the arrangement, she had not forgotten me. She was always very sorry and very apologetic, but her forgetting really wasn't about me.

It's completely okay to be upset and annoyed if someone does something like not showing up to an appointment, but it doesn't always have to be the way it is now, something that causes so much suffering and pain. I hope that you feel a bit better after your next appointment. In terms of the abandonment fears, I think it just takes time. Time with someone who is as reliable and supportive as possible.