[HealingTimes]

I am in control of everything in my life. Not always by choice though. I have to be (or at least i have to seem to be) in control of work things, i have to be in control when it comes to parenting my children alone ( i am a single parent),i have to be on control of every damn thing, and it really sucks.

So in therapy, i like to not be in control. I like to leave it up to my T what topic we discuss that week. She always opens the session with the question "So have you had any thoughts about what you would like to talk about this week?" and i always answer happily with "No".

However, i really WANT to stop doing this, as there are things that i am wanting to discuss but never do, because T doesn't bring them up.

The thing is, my therapy is the only place that i don't have to take any responsibility for anyone (except to myself, to turn up) and i am loathe to relinquish that freedom.

I am not even sure what question i am asking with this post...i guess i am just looking for advice if anyone has some?

[Leah123]

I so know what you mean about being in control of everything in my life, and how terribly exhausting that is.

I think the way I frame it, that works for me, is that having so much control in my outside life actually makes me *feel* out of control: I have SO many responsibilities, that *true* choice is gone- I'm just managing everyone, managing everything. (In fact, it's something I've worked on improving through therapy, and it's been great!)

So the way I think about therapy is as my "selfish" time- to pick whatever I want to talk about, or need to, and let my therapist share it with me, help me through it, so that once I broach the topic, *then* I can give up control.

My advice, since you asked... would be to draft a little list of topics, as they bother you during the week, or as you reflect on them, to jot that down and give it to your T- let her guide you through it. I don't know if that makes much difference to you or not, but.. .just a thought.

[stopdog]

Have you told the therapist about feeling like this?

A couple of thoughts that occur to me...
• If you suggest topics at one session, that does not mean that you take control over all future sessions. You can go back to saying that you have nothing to discuss next time, if you want to. (Which in a sense gives you some control, I guess....)
• You may bring up topics, but that does not mean that you are in control of where the discussion leads you! On the contrary, I can sometimes feel that as long as I don't tell T about things I am in control of them. Allowing him to take part in the dialogue is actually an act of relinquishing the control over those topics.

Dunno if this makes sense to anybody but me

[HealingTimes]

Thank You, Leah. i can tell from your post that you really understand how i am feeling. It's so hard ins't it.

Stopdog-yes, i have told my T that i am sick of having to be in control of everything, and that therapy is the only place i have be free of having to be in control and having to have responsibility.

Mastodon- yes, that makes sense, not just to you but me too I might write down some topics i want to discuss.

At the end of last session i said to her that i am sick of not bringing those topics that i want to discuss to the therapy room, so next week )Monday) i'll write down 2 topics.

But i am so tired of always having to be in control and responsible. I just want a rest from it.

[tinyrabbit]

I am the opposite to you. I try to control everything in therapy. I'm afraid to be out of control.

I think what you really need help with is realising that being in control vs. out of control isn't a black and white thing, it doesn't have to be stressful or negative or unsafe, and it can be positive. Starting to take control, e.g. suggesting a topic, doesn't mean your T is going to throw all the responsibility onto you. Sounds like you could do with easing in little by little.

I have started to relinquish control by coming in with enough to discuss for some of the time, then just seeing how the rest of the session goes. Maybe that could work in the opposite way for you? What if you planned just one thing to say, and said that, but left the rest unplanned?

Hey Healing,
I understand you wanting to not have to take responsibility and especially in therapy. I am surprised your t allows you to do this. You are giving her all of your power. These are your sessions and you are paying for them. I dont mean to be so hard but I feel you are handing over all of your power to t and allowing her to direct your therapy, this doesn't set well with me because her own agenda could be leaking through. Maybe this is not the case but I have had two ts who refused to open sessions because of that very reason.
How about next time you write a list of things you want to talk about and hand it to t and she can pick which one, that way you are only handing over a little bit of power but you are taking responsibility. How would that feel?

[HealingTimes]

Hi Mona
My T understands that the the therapy room is the only place in my world that i can just 'be' without responsibility or having to be in charge, and understands how much i value that space. However, that doesnt mean she lets me have an easy time of it.
She pushes me to talk about what she knows i try to avoid and i appreciate that side of her

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

Hi Mona
My T understands that the the therapy room is the only place in my world that i can just 'be' without responsibility or having to be in charge, and understands how much i value that space. However, that doesnt mean she lets me have an easy time of it.
She pushes me to talk about what she knows i try to avoid and i appreciate that side of her

I would have liked my old t to do that too. Your t sounds like she knows what you need

[ar2004]

When I started therapy a few months ago, I didn't realize I was the one to decide what I want to talk about except for the problems I mentioned on the phone before out first session. So I struggled some with getting things out that I needed to deal with because my T didn't ask me questions to help get it out. It was actually a couple weeks ago that she told me this is my therapy and we don't have to work on something if I don't want to. She could tell I was nervous and scared about addressing my eating problem. Since then I have found it a little easier to talk about it. Just this week I asked her to help me figure out if I have an ED because I still kept denying it on the basis of not being underweight. My T read through the criteria for atypical anorexia, under OSFED in the DSM-V. Then she told me she thinks I have an ED. I knew I did but I guess I needed to hear it out loud and I think she knew that even though I didn't specifically say that to her.

So I think that as therapy progresses, it gets a little easier to open up and bring up difficult topics but it is still hard. I just remember that it is a safe place and my T is not going to tell anyone else what we talk about.

[HealingTimes]

Thanks ar I have been seeing this T for 4 years now, and trust her almost completely. I dont think it's to do with trust, its just that i don't like to give up the only place that i can be 'free' of responsibility and demands.
However, a part of me DOES want to take control, or i wouldn't have posted this i don't think...

[sweepy62]

Hi, I have a little notebook where I section things off with the past and present and I write things down, and I pick a topic or two, but I prefer she come up with a topic, its really difficult, my t is not the type where if you feel embarrassed you can hand her stuff and she reads it, she rather you read it and process it in therapy , my old t use to read everything, and I didnt talk much, and my new t thinks that didnt help much with the process, so I do alot of the talking. Once I start the topic though, she does talk , its not like I talk the whole session, so I do have down time.

[HealingTimes]

I have decided to write down a list of things i would like to talk about. My plan is to give this list to my T on Monday (our next appointment) and let her pick which of the topics we will discuss.

But for now we are still discussing my father, which is what i want to talk about anyway.

[unlockingsanity]

I'm surprised you guys can get your therapist to pick topics. Mine refuses to, saying that it wouldn't be helpful for him to lead the session. It is awkward and hard to start, but I eventually do bring up topics that I want to discuss/that are important.

[Butterflying]

My T wants me to have a list of what to talk about so that we get to everything I need rather than get lost in chit chat. Do you find yourself thinking of subjects during the week you want to remember to bring up? You could jot those down if u want to.

[HealingTimes]

Oh Gosh, our session is tomorrow morning and i still have not managed to write down anything to discuss tomorrow, and i am feeling very scared and pressured and aarrgghh!!

[HealingTimes]

I feel sick with nerves

What time's your session? I'll be in your pocket.

[HealingTimes]

It's supposed to be at 11am. Not even sure if i'll be able to make it...depends on how bad the expected storm is.

Pocket riders not only very welcome, but also encouraged

I hope the storm blows over - if you pardon the expression - before that. It's coming this way....

[Perna]

I am not sure I would think about your difficulty, were it mine, as being about "control". We cannot really control life; as as a single mother you are out there in the front lines, literally making life and death decisions. If you do not work, not only do you not eat but your children do not eat; if you do not produce at work, you could get fired and there's no safety net for you and yours, etc.

In your shoes, I would view therapy as a safe place, a place to relax for awhile. I think therapy is that, but I also think it is an equipping place for the next battle? If you read fantasy novels, watch movies like that there are always interludes but no one uses them as just interludes or trusts that they will always be there. The characters are always working, meeting, figuring things out and cleaning equipment, etc. for the next battle. Letting T pick the subject to talk about implies that T is part of your travel group but letting T pick the subject every time does not get you individually ready to play your part in the coming confrontation you will have on your own? You have to try and understand where best you should be, what weapons you will have, what the scenario is likely to be from your perspective, etc. Maybe you can answer T's questions, get an "A" in the course but how the course translates into your actual life, T can't do that for you?

Hope the storm is not too bad; I saw pictures on the TV news of a soccer match in Portsmouth I think it was, being rained out and fans staying in the stands just to watch, the rain has been so intense.