Part of my abuse was to be told every frigging day who I was versus being validated for who I really was. I mean this was done on an epic scale. T said my N mother did that because I didn't mirror her own narcissistic self.
T mentioned Stockholm syndrome where captives buy into their captive story.
I came up against someone at wk who has aspergers.omg! It triggered me majorly. I couldn't wk with her. No judgement on aspergers here, just how my internal chaos got triggered by her chaos.
T and I spent all session trying to unpick the causes. About how it triggered my earliest experiences with my mother. Not comparing aspergers to my mother. Just the difficulty in communicating. That night when my racing mind finally let me sleep I had nightmare after nightmare.
I wrote again to T asking if it was her chaos triggering mine.
T replied with this.

Dear
Yes, I think it was. I know nothing we said yesterday felt like a close fit, but I think everything we talked about relates to it, albeit in a complex, rather convoluted way. It has so many elements of identification and memory, which can't be summed up in one sentence, which may contribute to the feelings of chaos. But also this touches on things that are essentially chaotic because your inner experience was in such conflict with what you were told it was.

Love

I still feel confused. But as T says, I think that's part of my experience.
This therapy stuff is hard.

[Freewilled]

What a nice, thoughtful response from your T! I'm sorta jealous lol cause i don't get to email mine and if I did, a response like that would be amazing. I'm sorry you were triggered but glad your T is with you in the chaos.

Thanks freewill. I do realise how fortunate I am to have this T.

[Lexi232]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Part of my abuse was to be told every frigging day who I was versus being validated for who I really was. I mean this was done on an epic scale. T said my N mother did that because I didn't mirror her own narcissistic self.
T mentioned Stockholm syndrome where captives buy into their captive story.
I came up against someone at wk who has aspergers.omg! It triggered me majorly. I couldn't wk with her. No judgement on aspergers here, just how my internal chaos got triggered by her chaos.
T and I spent all session trying to unpick the causes. About how it triggered my earliest experiences with my mother. Not comparing aspergers to my mother. Just the difficulty in communicating. That night when my racing mind finally let me sleep I had nightmare after nightmare.
I wrote again to T asking if it was her chaos triggering mine.
T replied with this.

Dear
Yes, I think it was. I know nothing we said yesterday felt like a close fit, but I think everything we talked about relates to it, albeit in a complex, rather convoluted way. It has so many elements of identification and memory, which can't be summed up in one sentence, which may contribute to the feelings of chaos. But also this touches on things that are essentially chaotic because your inner experience was in such conflict with what you were told it was.

Love

I still feel confused. But as T says, I think that's part of my experience.
This therapy stuff is hard.

hey, i have aspergers lol! :-)
:/ yeah, in my experience, i adopt the words used by people around me to communicate. and if the majority of speaking experiences are from a negative influence, that becomes the communication style.
lol... i wish somebody would be able to teach me how to express myself properly, and what ways to speak, and what communication ways mean certain things, and what about them makes one be positive and another one be negative. (cause tv and internet can only teach so much lol). i am bad at body language and reading facial expressions as well.
hence, i get what u mean on the communication difficulties, that come with aspergers. :-)

i hope your sleep has returned back to normal, and that you are having good dreams now! :-)
and i dont know much about you, but just from reading your post, i can tell that youre a great person!

*hugs* this situation sounds really tough. im glad you were able to figure out the cause, and u were able to take the steps that u needed to!
Im also sorry that you had to endure all of that growing up. You are a very strong person for being able to get to where you are now.

~You can do it! You can do it! :-)

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I asked T if this will happen again. T said it might, or you may be able to remember the trigger and be in better control.
Sooo, the girl at wk appeared at my side again this morning. I wasn't expecting her to be there.
I immediately told myself to not have any expectations. I smiled, she asked what should she be doing, I told her and that was that.
I didn't feel like a sailboat in a strong wind.
I guess I remained firmly in the here & now this time.

[Lexi232]

yikes.
well, im glad you were able to cope through it when she came up to you this time! thats a huge step to take!

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