[bassrunnin]

Ok so started therapy due to add diagnosis in March...week before last brought up childhood which I explained was somewhere between mummy's dearest and flowers in the attic. So that brought up a lot of emotions and posted on here cuz I felt like I couldn't wait another week. You guys encouraged me to reach out and I did call the office and had appt tues and felt somewhat better under control. Still anxious and hard to breathe and had to leave work early weds. But at least surviving. Had second appt Friday and talked about self destructive stuff during my teenage years and then talked about me joining the military. She had asked if that was a good escape for me to get away from the abuse.

Well there was a long silence on my end and I couldn't get myself to answer it. Then I responded I guess like a kid....she asked if I was traumatized while in. I managed to whisper yeah and then after that it's was like hearing her thru a tunnel and she was far away. She said something about body language spoke more than the word and did I know about benefits that military offers and a lot has changed since I left. Served 92-96.

Friday night it was like I wasn't even home. I remember folding clothes and my husband saying hey focus....kids need to go trick or treating. I couldn't sleep that night until like 3 and when I did I had nightmares. I've been having memories and it's like I want to disappear or something. Sat I sat in the parking lot at work and was fighting going inside and memories kept rushing in. Usually by singing a song in my head will gather myself but wasn't working. My heart has been racing like crazy and it's hard to breathe, it's like I have to remind myself to breathe. I took one call at work and then was like I was drunk or something....like body there but mind not...I sat there rocking in my chair when a friend came by and asked if I was ok. I didn't say anything but she said I didn't look good and I needed to go home. Turns out that I was logged out for half an hr. I had to walk around for 15 minutes just to get the courage to let a sup know I needed to leave.

Yday I couldn't go into work and my husband is getting agitated And said that I needed to get my **** together. I was in my office all day until friends came over and they noticed I was pretty irratible. I tried to gather myself since this def is not my husbands fault. Last night I started thinking about what to do today, I it's like I'm walking around with a heavy pack and my mind says do this but my body isn't responding. I finally got the nerve to call the office, she said try to email T, but haven't heard anything yet. Don't want to lose my job and don't want to be locked up but I don't know where to turn or what to do. Last week I had asked about meeting 2x week but didn't say anything. Don't know if insurance won't cover 2x week or if it's because ins she only makes 65 and her hrly rate is normally 120.

Anyhow, am I going insane, having a nervous breakdown...what do I do...I can't go to work and don't know what to say to my husband. And I def don't want my kids to know something's wrong! Should I call office again. One of them hotline things...any help would be appreciated.

[bassrunnin]

Just an update ended up calling vet crisis which helped and my therapist emailed me saying next session we would go over some coping mechanisms. The vet people said it sounded like I was going thru PTSD. I don't know about that since I wasn't in combat so that is a tough pill to swollow. This morning I had this Dr call me from there and wanted to set me up with an appt with the sex trauma specialist at my local va. I don't know about all that either. I like my therapist...I've haven't reAlly opened up to her. But then again I haven't ever spoke of or even acknowledged ableit even in a small way before ever. So if I make an appt with the va does that mean I can't see my therapist? Should I tell my therapist what happened? Thanks

[Perna]

PTSD is not just about combat, can be related to any traumatic experience (rape, fire, flood, car accident, any "Act of God") or repeated negative experiences (childhood ptsd). I think it is great that you called the VA.

Yes, discuss all this with your therapist and see how she can help alongside the VA or what she thinks of the VA help. You may want the additional support. Think of it like a tunnel; you have to go through it to get to the other side but it can be pretty dark and scary while you are there?