[Asiablue]

Do any of you feel like you might self-sabotage in your life, or at least never meet your full potential? Has anyone talked to their therapist about it and if so what did they say? Has therapy helped with your confidence to achieve goals? To stick at things and not give up?

I'm more interested in those not specifically in therapy for that reason but perhaps as a byproduct of resolving other things they've become better at achieving life goals?

[HealingTimes]

Yes, i am working on this (as well as other stuff) in therapy. It's a huge barrier for me.
My T says (and I agree) that it all boils down to not thinking that I deserve to be happy/achieve what i want etc.

Self-Worth is a big thing for me, and it's such a struggle. I have been this way all of my life and it takes practice to re-wire that part of my brain. It instantly goes to "Self-Sabotage Mode", to the extent that most of the time i don't even realise i am doing it.

[HealingTimes]

I forgot to say- My T says that although i am not in therapy for this issue, it will resolve itself once i have worked through my real issues (dysfunctional childhood, neglect, emotional abuse etc).

[Asiablue]

yeah, i'm in therapy for same things as you Healingtimes. How does the self-sabotage present in you?

[HealingTimes]

The main ones are in my career and also in my 'ability' to recover from my mental illnesses.

I used to have a nice job at a University, and had a lot of chances of promotion, but i never went for it. I desperately wanted to get a promotion, but would always muck it up somehow. Like the days that the interviews were, i'd call in sick, or go home due to sickness etc.

Also, in regards to my MI, every time i have an opportunity to do something that is helpful to me, i muck it up. I sabotage the T relationship, back out of commitments that may help me etc.

Any excuse for me to be healthy and happy gets blocked by me at the first hurdle. I always thought i just must enjoy being miserable, but now that i realise i self-sabotage (and the reason behind it), i understand that i may perceive it as MY CHOICE, but actually i have less control over it than i thought.

I hope that makes sense?

[Asiablue]

makes total sense. I just realised in the past couple of months, although suspected for much longer that i self-sabotage, i've done it thru life in exams by not studying as hard as i should, in college not trying hard enough; not fighting for it when things got tough. In jobs, not confident enough in my ability, even though i know i could do it most other times.
I've always had very valid excuses why things haven't worked out for me ie finances, sickness, life events etc, but i'm beginning to suspect there's a healthy dose of self-sabotaging going on. I always seem to hit a ceiling in life.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

I forgot to say- My T says that although i am not in therapy for this issue, it will resolve itself once i have worked through my real issues (dysfunctional childhood, neglect, emotional abuse etc).

Thank you - that gives me hope.

[transientsoul]

-raising my hand- If they had a self sabotage competition, I would place in the top 3.

[Lamplighter]

I'd have to say I self sabotage for sure, but it's not something that's come up as a specific topic in therapy yet (still relatively early days with a new T).

I can say though that the more I've been able to work on trusting T, the more I've seen the self sabotage patterns at work and that's been helpful in terms of allowing me to look from a different perspective at what I do (and why.)

I'm with Freewilled on the hope that Healing's comment has inspired. It's a nice thought that stuff like self sabotage will resolve itself when other more fundamental issues have been addressed.

What's interesting is that there are things I do/think/feel/believe that I wouldn't have naturally seen as self sabotage. Other things are obviously what I call 'anti-me' but a lot of stuff seems quite innocuous, normal almost. So it's quite a shock sometimes to see that what I've taken for granted as just 'being', actually has the function of being against me in some way.

Interesting Asia, that you've been relatively unaware of the self sabotage that might have been going on. Sounds like your new therapy is having some positive effects? Or at least giving you new perspectives and ways of looking at things?

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by transientsoul

-raising my hand- If they had a self sabotage competition, I would place in the top 3.

LOL! I reckon there'd be quite a bit of competition from a lot of us here for those top 3 places

[A Red Panda]

I definitely self-sabotage.... I try not to, but it happens a lot anyway. I've been doing that since I was a kid.

My T is aware of it, and he mostly stated it to me and then I said "Yea, I know." He doesn't even know any of the details of how many different times and ways I've totally messed things up for myself.... but he figured out that it happens just through talking. It hasn't been an actual topic yet.

[HealingTimes]

I am glad that my comment earlier has given some of you some hope

I have to say that as therapy progresses (it's been 4 years now, with the same T) is really is helping me to at least acknowledge the situations in which i self-sabotage.

I think the biggest area in my life that i self-sabotage is in forming relationships. Friendships, romantic relationships, professional relationships..any kind really.

I long to be married, to find a partner that i can love and who can love me (warts and all) but i have been single for almost 10 years due to the fact that i dont seem to be able to allow myself to just be happy!
I was in a relationship with a lovely man who offered me everything i ever wanted. He loved and adored me..yet after 10 months i ended the relationship. I still dont know why.

In Therapy, i will use any excuse to cancel a session..regardless of the fact that i find therapy incredibly helpful.

Sometimes i get so frustrated with myself for doing it!

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

I'd have to say I self sabotage for sure, but it's not something that's come up as a specific topic in therapy yet (still relatively early days with a new T).

I can say though that the more I've been able to work on trusting T, the more I've seen the self sabotage patterns at work and that's been helpful in terms of allowing me to look from a different perspective at what I do (and why.)

I'm with Freewilled on the hope that Healing's comment has inspired. It's a nice thought that stuff like self sabotage will resolve itself when other more fundamental issues have been addressed.

What's interesting is that there are things I do/think/feel/believe that I wouldn't have naturally seen as self sabotage. Other things are obviously what I call 'anti-me' but a lot of stuff seems quite innocuous, normal almost. So it's quite a shock sometimes to see that what I've taken for granted as just 'being', actually has the function of being against me in some way.

Interesting Asia, that you've been relatively unaware of the self sabotage that might have been going on. Sounds like your new therapy is having some positive effects? Or at least giving you new perspectives and ways of looking at things?

I don't think it's been specifically my new therapy, and therapists have never pointed it out to me, but the very act of being in therapy for a long time, i suppose i'm starting to see what my part is in my own unhappiness. I do believe that suffering from trauma has meant for a long time i've been in survival mode and that has a lot to do with i'd say 75% but i started to notice that i can never stick to anything, i've dropped out of college several times, cos i just can't cope and i feel like if i wanted it enough i'd fight for it. But i do really want my degree, i do want it enough... which is why i keep going back. But interacting with lots of people, low self confidence and anxiety get in the way and i also have a lifelong illness that makes things very hard and it all gets too much and i end up closing down to the world.

What's made me really think about this is; the one thing i've never given up on and very rarely ever missed is therapy and i wonder why i make so much effort for that, like i'll literally crawl there when i feel awful whereas classes i would just miss and stay home. So what am i getting out of therapy that motivates me to go? If i can make it to therapy why don't i make it to other commitments in life? If i was really that sick that i couldn't go to college then i should be too sick to make it to therapy too, right? So my thinking is there's more going on that just illness when i'm not making class.

[Onward2wards]

Do any of you feel like you might self-sabotage in your life, or at least never meet your full potential?

YES, in mile high neon letters!!!

Has anyone talked to their therapist about it and if so what did they say?

Yes ... "You need a warrior mentality, you need to disbelieve the lies you say about yourself" (last T) ... "You need about twenty positive affirmations every day, seriously" (previous T).

Has therapy helped with your confidence to achieve goals? To stick at things and not give up?

Only in the short term. Without the assistance of a "mentor/cheerleader" type T, I (metaphorically) slink back into a corner with a bag over my head and avoid everything in a short time. I'm sick of my avoidant behaviors and pessimistic, defeatist attitude. Still working on it every single <bleep>ing day.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

i'm starting to see what my part is in my own unhappiness. I do believe that suffering from trauma has meant for a long time i've been in survival mode and that has a lot to do with i'd say 75% but i started to notice that i can never stick to anything

I understand what you mean about having to stay in survival mode, this (i believe) is where my self-sabotaging behaviour stemmed from.

I went years and years without being able to stick at anything as well. I went from job to job, and never for more than 6 months at a time.
I get incredibly bored very easily too, and end things (jobs, relationships etc) at a moments notice.

If you find an actual Uni too intimidating or hard to stick too, how about a degree through the OU (i presume you are in the UK, although the OU to provide to other countries, in the EU i think)?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

LOL! I reckon there'd be quite a bit of competition from a lot of us here for those top 3 places

Ha - we would probably all tie for fourth!

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

I understand what you mean about having to stay in survival mode, this (i believe) is where my self-sabotaging behaviour stemmed from.

I went years and years without being able to stick at anything as well. I went from job to job, and never for more than 6 months at a time.
I get incredibly bored very easily too, and end things (jobs, relationships etc) at a moments notice.

If you find an actual Uni too intimidating or hard to stick too, how about a degree through the OU (i presume you are in the UK, although the OU to provide to other countries, in the EU i think)?

Yep the OU is an option although what i actually want is an art degree. Right now i've given up on education until i'm in a better place mentally to tackle it. No point in constantly dropping out of commitments. I get really bored easily too, jobs i tend to stick at for a reasonable time, but hobbies come and go, and i find friendships very tough and generally avoid.

[blur]

I am great at self-sabotage and for me it is all about the fear of failure. It's easier to drop out of something than admit defeat. I very briefly saw a T where I happened to mention I have this internal rebel I struggle with. She told me to allow the rebel to speak, thru journaling, to find out what the rebel wants and why she keeps sabotaging my efforts. I found that helpful and may even go back to that T as I had scheduling problems at the time with her. Asia, we are struggling with similar issues with finishing school and health issues. I've tried so many times and end up dropping it again. So frustrating as it isn't a lack of intelligence but emotional issues (and now health one) that stop me.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I don't think it's been specifically my new therapy, and therapists have never pointed it out to me, but the very act of being in therapy for a long time, i suppose i'm starting to see what my part is in my own unhappiness. I do believe that suffering from trauma has meant for a long time i've been in survival mode and that has a lot to do with i'd say 75% but i started to notice that i can never stick to anything, i've dropped out of college several times, cos i just can't cope and i feel like if i wanted it enough i'd fight for it. But i do really want my degree, i do want it enough... which is why i keep going back. But interacting with lots of people, low self confidence and anxiety get in the way and i also have a lifelong illness that makes things very hard and it all gets too much and i end up closing down to the world.

What's made me really think about this is; the one thing i've never given up on and very rarely ever missed is therapy and i wonder why i make so much effort for that, like i'll literally crawl there when i feel awful whereas classes i would just miss and stay home. So what am i getting out of therapy that motivates me to go? If i can make it to therapy why don't i make it to other commitments in life? If i was really that sick that i couldn't go to college then i should be too sick to make it to therapy too, right? So my thinking is there's more going on that just illness when i'm not making class.

This is so completely me. I have also dropped out of college so many times. I tend to do the same with jobs when I think that they are starting to like me too much. Also like you, therapy is the one thing that I always manage to make it to. I can want to run with every fiber in my being, but I still go every single week, sometimes twice. In almost two years, the only time that I have canceled is when I had to unexpectedly go out of town due to an emergency. It would be nice to know why I do this.

[purplemystery]

I have noticed that I sabotage myself by avoiding people that I would really really like to be friends with. People that I think are great people in terms of values and kindness. I would like to be friends with them, but don't know if I am good enough, so I have avoided them before, or acted excessively awkward, etc. I think I have actually improved on this recently, and how this happened is because I worked on my self-acceptance in therapy. Through my T's persistence, something clicked and I think I finally realized that it's okay to be me, and that I am perfectly worthy of acceptance the way that I am. This has helped me to let others care about me. Hope this example helps!

[Hope-Full]

I absolutely self-sabotage and have since I was a child. It was some sort of coping mechanism, I'd imagine. I used to sabotage at the last second - a competition or something, I'd do really well and then mess up in the last minute, costing me the win. I'd do the same with school things too.

Through therapy, I've learned to start saying no, and setting boundaries, which have been quite helpful in the self-sabotage realm meaning when I set boundaries and say no I'm taking care of myself which leaves me less likely to put myself in a situation where I'll intentionally try to fail. Not sure how they became connected, but T assures me they are, and that the more progress I make in therapy, the less and less I'll be inclined to sabotage my self.

Since you have started seeing your new therapist Asia, I see some great progress and lots of insights and aha moments. You seem clearer on a lot of things, do you feel your therapy is paying off at last?
As for self sabotage, yes I do have a tendency for this especially in relationships. I will cut people off before they have a chance to do anything wrong because I think that things will turn bad because they have done in the past. I have huge problems trusting people because I have never met anyone who was trustworthy or had anyone in my life who was safe so I push people away and also my sense of safe is kind of skewed because I don't know how to keep toxic people away yet and seem to attract them in abundance in the past but that was because I wasn't the healthiest either. I tend to hurt myself around unhealthy people and let them hurt me and when they leave I beg them to come back.

[Asiablue]

Mona, I have found a lot of clarity lately, quite a few things have clicked into place for me. I'm not sure how much it has to do with my new therapist, i've only seen her a handful of times. I think it's more to do with the bad experiences i've had with therapists this year making me think about what i'm honestly looking for in therapists ( a miracle worker/mother) and realising that i'm impeding my own development by chasing a pipe-dream. Really being honest with myself and thinking about how i relate to people and why has helped and actually a lot of this forum has been absolutely thought-provoking and helpful beyond words.