[purplemystery]

I feel like I've screwed up my relationship with my T. I barely spoke at all today, and I know that it annoyed her. I don't know if anyone else gets like this sometimes, but she would ask me a question and I would take ages to answer. And even then, I would give the bare minimum in the response, to which she could barely respond to. I know it's a waste of her and my time. I know that I wasn't helping her out at all and was being difficult. Nothing really felt right or okay to say, or worth saying. It was like I had a completely new perspective on our relationship, like it had a different "feeling," and I don't know exactly how it happened. But I didn't feel like I could trust her. We've talked about my fear in opening up many times. I wanted her to tell me she was annoyed and frustrated, to tell me that if I come I should put in the effort to say more. I've always been bad at this, but I can't even look at her, not even a glance in the beginning or end. I just looked down the entire time. We've talked about that a million times too. I'm so ashamed and mad at myself, and I don't understand what my problem is. It was like I was trying to sabotage everything, to make her mad at me. To make her not want to see me anymore. I'm afraid to go back. Can anyone relate?

[Freewilled]

I can so relate and I know how awful I end up feeling afterward I tend to be like this to some degree almost all of the time in therapy /: I just seem to automatically shut down and I have to really stay aware of myself and fight like crazy to try and connect even just a little bit with my T. Most of the time I fail and sometimes it's so uncomfortable - almost like I'm watching myself do these things like taking forever to answer questions or just losing track of what was said etc.

What helps me the most is taking the next session to talk about it all with my T. I actually loathe doing it, but it seems like its the only thing that actually works for me. I'm sorry you had a hard session today maybe you can try to talk to your T about it next time (?)

[purplemystery]

Yes, that is exactly what it's like for me. It is like I'm watching myself acting this way, and I'm having all these judgments about how awful it is and how I should be doing better and being more mindful of the fact that my T is doing the best she can but is not a miracle worker. But I don't feel like I'm controlling my behavior almost. Of course I am, but it doesn't feel that way. I also lose track of the conversation. I just go off in my thoughts and don't want to share any of them, and I throw away what could be a good session.

I guess I should talk to her about it next time. I hope I will be able to. I just dread the day she will tell me it's hopeless, we've talked about your fears many times, and it's not changing. It was so bad, I was thinking it would be much easier to call it quits, despite being very attached to her. And I feel like if I were to have two of these awful sessions in a row, it would make it that much worse. But I will have to do it... it can't go undiscussed.

Thank you for understanding, Freewilled!

[Leah123]

Are you experiencing a lack of empathy from your therapist? I've had interactions like this, indeed, I spent a full two years with a therapist like this in my youth, whose style simply was not a match for my needs.

I've found that feelings like yours, of being uncooperative and afraid and unable to open up often mean I'm not feeling supported and safe and understood well enough to do the very hard work of discussing my issues.

[PurplePajamas]

I feel you. I've been there too. In my case, I am usually shutting down because of something the therapist said/did that I felt hurt by or didn't understand or when I felt like my therapist was annoyed or angry with me. Sometimes it was just my imagination, and sometimes he really was annoyed, and told me so. I used to get mad or hurt by my therapist, mostly because I thought he was mad at me, then I would shut down, and then make an excuse to cancel my next few sessions and withdraw from him.

The last time this happened I emailed him and told him exactly how I felt and what was going through my mind when I withdraw from him, shut down in sessions, and can't talk. For me, writing it and sending it to him was the only way I could express what I was going through. If writing is easier than talking for you, and if your therapist allows email, that might be an easier way to express how you are feeling and what you are thinking.... and for me, it has been the only way to get things out when I am upset with him in therapy. Talking to him face to face about certain things, especially about "our relationship" is just too mortifying and anxiety provoking for me sometimes.

This may or may not be the right therapist for you, but you will never know until you give your therapist a real chance, and the only way to do that is by being really open and honest in a way that you can- and if face to face is too hard like it was for me, writing can open up new doors for you. Good luck!

[SallyBrown]

Yep, I can totally relate. What PurplePajamas has suggested has been helpful to me... writing about what my experience is when I can't talk. Or if you think that's something you can verbalize, then explain what that experience is. Is it the pressure to say something "right"? Is it self-censoring so you don't say something "wrong"? For me, it also gets worse and worse the longer it goes on because I imagine my T getting more frustrated and impatient with every passing minute, which only adds more pressure and starts making me feel hopeless.

My T has gotten good at saying, "What are you thinking about?" because he knows I get lost in my thoughts. It's hard to just say what I'm thinking, but it gets easier if you work at it. Even if you think it has nothing to do with anything... often it does, and T can help you figure out how you got there. So maybe you can see if she'd be willing to say, "What are you thinking about?" when you seem to be lost in thought... make the focus less on answering questions, and more on just getting out what you're thinking, whatever it is, without judging whether it's a worthwhile thing to say.

[junkDNA]

who does ur T remind you of in ur past? maybe this is transference and its affecting ur current relation ship with ur T

I have had several sessions like this and often left feeling like I was wasting time for both of us. Sometimes emailing a brief explanation to T helped. I have also written down how I've felt and given it to her in session so we pretty much have to talk about it but I don't have to verbally bring it up.
It can be helpful when T asks what I'm thinking or what is going on for me. Sometimes though, it's like I truly have no idea what I'm thinking - there are just all these thoughts, or an emptiness of thoughts. There is definitely some judging going on too on my part - I'm working hard on that. It's good you recognize that that is something you are doing at times. T is such hard work; it can be frustrating when every session isn't "good."

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I feel like I've screwed up my relationship with my T. I barely spoke at all today, and I know that it annoyed her. I don't know if anyone else gets like this sometimes, but she would ask me a question and I would take ages to answer. And even then, I would give the bare minimum in the response, to which she could barely respond to. I know it's a waste of her and my time. I know that I wasn't helping her out at all and was being difficult.

I'm not so sure you do know these things. What made you think your T was annoyed? What makes you think she is annoyed and not just invested in helping you to open up because you would like to be able to do that?

My T once told me I don't have to talk if I don't want to. He said: "You could lie on the floor for an hour every week for a year and I'm not convinced it wouldn't help." But I feel like I'm annoying him if I can't talk because I feel annoyed that I can't talk.

It's not your job to help her out. It's not your job to just magically not be "difficult", whatever that means anyway. It's just your job to show up.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Are you experiencing a lack of empathy from your therapist? I've had interactions like this, indeed, I spent a full two years with a therapist like this in my youth, whose style simply was not a match for my needs.

I've found that feelings like yours, of being uncooperative and afraid and unable to open up often mean I'm not feeling supported and safe and understood well enough to do the very hard work of discussing my issues.

Thanks for giving your experience. I do think that my T is empathetic, although I don't always see this. I know she cares deeply, but she's not the type of person to be too overt about it I guess I'm mean? It also affects it a lot that I don't look at her because I can't see her reactions to things. Who knows how trusting I'd be otherwise?

I am happy with my T though, but I appreciate the suggestion. I do occasionally wonder if I'd be more comfortable with someone else, but I definitely think it's my issue.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by PurplePajamas

I feel you. I've been there too. In my case, I am usually shutting down because of something the therapist said/did that I felt hurt by or didn't understand or when I felt like my therapist was annoyed or angry with me. Sometimes it was just my imagination, and sometimes he really was annoyed, and told me so. I used to get mad or hurt by my therapist, mostly because I thought he was mad at me, then I would shut down, and then make an excuse to cancel my next few sessions and withdraw from him.

The last time this happened I emailed him and told him exactly how I felt and what was going through my mind when I withdraw from him, shut down in sessions, and can't talk. For me, writing it and sending it to him was the only way I could express what I was going through. If writing is easier than talking for you, and if your therapist allows email, that might be an easier way to express how you are feeling and what you are thinking.... and for me, it has been the only way to get things out when I am upset with him in therapy. Talking to him face to face about certain things, especially about "our relationship" is just too mortifying and anxiety provoking for me sometimes.

This may or may not be the right therapist for you, but you will never know until you give your therapist a real chance, and the only way to do that is by being really open and honest in a way that you can- and if face to face is too hard like it was for me, writing can open up new doors for you. Good luck!

Thanks PurplePajamas! I know exactly what you mean about being afraid that your T is mad/annoyed. I was definitely worried about that because when I wasn't saying much she asked "did you think about how you wanted this session to go?" (in terms of what I wanted to talk about). So maybe she thought I just didn't know what to say. And then when I said I had a few things, there was a long silence and she said "can you pick one?" or something like that. She said it in a soft T voice, but I sensed she was trying very hard not to sound annoyed. I guess that made it a little worse.

About what you said about being upset about something the T did, I guess I had a different perspective on her this week that made me feel a lot less trust than usual. I'm not really sure how it happened, but I was seeing her as more of someone to guard myself against than someone to open up to. Last week my session was quite the opposite- I shower my feelings without censoring more than I may have ever done. But it wasn't a comfortable experience. So maybe this was a backlash against that?

I hav found it 10x easier in the past to write my thoughts down and give it to her. But the last time I did that, it seemed like she thought it would be better if I said things in the moment, so I don't know what to do. I've thought about reading off the paper myself, but for some reason I'd find that a bit embarrassing. Anyway, thanks for the advice!

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Yep, I can totally relate. What PurplePajamas has suggested has been helpful to me... writing about what my experience is when I can't talk. Or if you think that's something you can verbalize, then explain what that experience is. Is it the pressure to say something "right"? Is it self-censoring so you don't say something "wrong"? For me, it also gets worse and worse the longer it goes on because I imagine my T getting more frustrated and impatient with every passing minute, which only adds more pressure and starts making me feel hopeless.

My T has gotten good at saying, "What are you thinking about?" because he knows I get lost in my thoughts. It's hard to just say what I'm thinking, but it gets easier if you work at it. Even if you think it has nothing to do with anything... often it does, and T can help you figure out how you got there. So maybe you can see if she'd be willing to say, "What are you thinking about?" when you seem to be lost in thought... make the focus less on answering questions, and more on just getting out what you're thinking, whatever it is, without judging whether it's a worthwhile thing to say.

Thank you for your help! Yes, that was exactly what it felt like. It all felt hopeless (and still does). I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust someone fully. She didn't ask me what I was thinking or feeling this time, though usually she will. I think that may be indicative that we've talked about how I'm uncomfortable so many times, and it hasn't changed. So maybe she didn't want to hear it again. But maybe I will try to offer what I'm thinking next time. I know what you mean about feeling like it's not important or random. But I really want to try beause I want to be able to do this.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

who does ur T remind you of in ur past? maybe this is transference and its affecting ur current relation ship with ur T

Thanks junkDNA, that is a good idea. My dad is very critical, so I find I always worry people will act like he does. So though she doesn't remind me of him, it could be contributing to my worry of saying the wrong thing.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by healinghippo38

I have had several sessions like this and often left feeling like I was wasting time for both of us. Sometimes emailing a brief explanation to T helped. I have also written down how I've felt and given it to her in session so we pretty much have to talk about it but I don't have to verbally bring it up.
It can be helpful when T asks what I'm thinking or what is going on for me. Sometimes though, it's like I truly have no idea what I'm thinking - there are just all these thoughts, or an emptiness of thoughts. There is definitely some judging going on too on my part - I'm working hard on that. It's good you recognize that that is something you are doing at times. T is such hard work; it can be frustrating when every session isn't "good."

Hi healinghippo, thanks for understanding. I too don't always know what I'm thinking, as weird as that sounds! Maybe it's because my thoughts go too fast and I'm not keeping track of them, or maybe my thoughts aren't always put into words. Good for you for working hard to verbalize them more. I feel like I'm not trying hard enough in therapy. I'm kind of going on autopilot? Not to say that I'm not challenging myself just by going. But I want to try harder to be more open too.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I'm not so sure you do know these things. What made you think your T was annoyed? What makes you think she is annoyed and not just invested in helping you to open up because you would like to be able to do that?

My T once told me I don't have to talk if I don't want to. He said: "You could lie on the floor for an hour every week for a year and I'm not convinced it wouldn't help." But I feel like I'm annoying him if I can't talk because I feel annoyed that I can't talk.

It's not your job to help her out. It's not your job to just magically not be "difficult", whatever that means anyway. It's just your job to show up.

Thanks so much tinyrabbit- you helped me to question my assumptions, and I feel a lot less worried about going back. The reason I thought she was annoyed is that when I wasn't saying much, she asked something like "did you think about what you wanted this session to be like?" I think she was annoyed that I wasn't "prepared," but actually I was just too worried to bring anything up. So I told her I had a few things I wanted to talk about, but then we were both silent for awhile and she asked "can you pick one?" She said it in a nice way, but to me I sensed that she was trying hard to put on the T voice and disguise her frustration. I could have been wrong, I hadn't really questioned that. Maybe I should ask. But you could be right that I was projecting that on her since I was annoyed with myself.

I felt like I had failed her, and was almost disrespectful for wasting her time because she could have been doing something productive with someone else. My T has also said before that I don't necessarily have to say anything, but I sense that she didnt mean it. I could be wrong about that too. But I really appreciate what you said about it not being my job to worry about her or make her job easier. I didn't think of it like that. I'm sure I'll feel better about all of this when I hear what she has to say next week.

[tinyrabbit]

It sounds to me like your T was trying to help and support you, and I do think maybe you're projecting your own feelings onto her - which is totally normal! Maybe your T knows you are frustrated in these situations and is trying to help as a result? Imagine if you told your T you had a few possible topics and she didn't try to help you talk. You might feel she hadn't bothered to help.

When I think my T is annoyed with me, I find it very helpful to talk to him and find out his perspective. Take today for example. My T offered me the slot after my session. I thought he would be annoyed with me for sticking to the time we agreed, he would think I was selfish, he would resent me. Turns out he thinks it's important to have needs, it's fine to want to stick to an arrangement and he was just giving me the choice.

Also. A while ago my T said something about how we'll seem to have had a nice session (as opposed to the ones where I'm upset with him for doing or saying something wrong) and then later on I'll find a problem and feel upset and angry. I thought he was just thinking of himself and wanting an easy life. Took me about 4-5 months to realise he was thinking about me and how I felt about our sessions, he wasn't thinking about himself.

It sounds like there are some barriers to you believing your T is there for you - so you think she doesn't mean what she says. Is that something you sense or is it faulty thinking talking? I bet your T has a different idea about what constitutes a productive session. I know mine does. I spent months worrying about my inability to talk to him, and he was just concerned about how I felt and what I needed. I'm willing to bet your T is the same. She needs to make it okay to talk and okay to not talk - sometimes you'll take encouragement in one direction and make judgements around it, but they're not really the truth.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

It sounds to me like your T was trying to help and support you, and I do think maybe you're projecting your own feelings onto her - which is totally normal! Maybe your T knows you are frustrated in these situations and is trying to help as a result? Imagine if you told your T you had a few possible topics and she didn't try to help you talk. You might feel she hadn't bothered to help.

When I think my T is annoyed with me, I find it very helpful to talk to him and find out his perspective. Take today for example. My T offered me the slot after my session. I thought he would be annoyed with me for sticking to the time we agreed, he would think I was selfish, he would resent me. Turns out he thinks it's important to have needs, it's fine to want to stick to an arrangement and he was just giving me the choice.

Also. A while ago my T said something about how we'll seem to have had a nice session (as opposed to the ones where I'm upset with him for doing or saying something wrong) and then later on I'll find a problem and feel upset and angry. I thought he was just thinking of himself and wanting an easy life. Took me about 4-5 months to realise he was thinking about me and how I felt about our sessions, he wasn't thinking about himself.

It sounds like there are some barriers to you believing your T is there for you - so you think she doesn't mean what she says. Is that something you sense or is it faulty thinking talking? I bet your T has a different idea about what constitutes a productive session. I know mine does. I spent months worrying about my inability to talk to him, and he was just concerned about how I felt and what I needed. I'm willing to bet your T is the same. She needs to make it okay to talk and okay to not talk - sometimes you'll take encouragement in one direction and make judgements around it, but they're not really the truth.

Sorry it took me so long to respond, but I just wanted to say thanks for that great example. That is so awesome that you were able to tell your T that you would like to keep the original time. I'm sure it was a big step for you, and I know it would be challenging for me too! I can also relate about thinking that my T just wants her job to be easy, and worrying that I'm making it difficult for her or less enjoyable. It can be tough to believe your T has the best intentions. I hope I am engaging in faulty thinking, though I am not 100% sure. You're right that I don't always believe what she says. Hopefully things will improve now that I have this specific session to talk about with her.

[tinyrabbit]

It sounds like faulty thinking to me. Gradually I've come to recognise how it might have originated from childhood - it's helpful to try to compare the way I'm feeling to other feelings or other times in my life. I hope your session goes well.

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I feel like I've screwed up my relationship with my T. I barely spoke at all today, and I know that it annoyed her. I don't know if anyone else gets like this sometimes, but she would ask me a question and I would take ages to answer. And even then, I would give the bare minimum in the response, to which she could barely respond to. I know it's a waste of her and my time. I know that I wasn't helping her out at all and was being difficult. Nothing really felt right or okay to say, or worth saying. It was like I had a completely new perspective on our relationship, like it had a different "feeling," and I don't know exactly how it happened. But I didn't feel like I could trust her. We've talked about my fear in opening up many times. I wanted her to tell me she was annoyed and frustrated, to tell me that if I come I should put in the effort to say more. I've always been bad at this, but I can't even look at her, not even a glance in the beginning or end. I just looked down the entire time. We've talked about that a million times too. I'm so ashamed and mad at myself, and I don't understand what my problem is. It was like I was trying to sabotage everything, to make her mad at me. To make her not want to see me anymore. I'm afraid to go back. Can anyone relate?

Yes, I can relate to this so much in my first therapeutic relationship. that relationship was very unhealthy though because T said all of those things you want your t to say to you. My t told me I wasn't working, she was doing all the work. She showed me I was annoying her and making her angry, she told me I needed to out more effort in, She hated when I wouldnt look at her. I couldn't be there then, I couldn't look at her, I couldn't talk more or even at all some sessions and you know what I had a good reason and instead of excepting me and trying to help she did more damage to me. The very fact that we turn up every week shows commitment to our process and a willing to change.
This t ended up terminating me but it was the best thing because I realised what real therapy was. It sounds as though your t is being patient and not provoking you like my ex t was and this is ok because when you are ready to trust her and open up more this is when you can start to do the work.
I am glad your t is being supportive and not telling you the things you want to hear. perhaps she is passing your test by not running or terminating and proving she will stick around no matter what?

[tinyrabbit]

My T once told me: "Short of bringing a gun in here, it would be very difficult for you to mess this up." I always think I've messed up all the time, though...

It's scary if I actually want and expect him to say positive things. I can handle negativity. I have somewhere to put it.

[Rzay4]

Wow I feel as I could have written this thread. It took me almost 4 years to open up to my long term T. I was very defiant not wanting to deal with my problems as my mother forced me into therapy as a minor. Though over time I opened up.

She is and always will be my #1. As I and others are worth the wait.