[sweepy62]

This past Wednesday after I got home, I had a delayed reaction to a couple of things she said. It was awkward session to begin with due to the length of time we hadn't seen each other.

We always tell each other how we feel, it's a very straightforward relationship. I was the caretaker of my mil , even though it was a ruptured relationship, she refused home health care, until home hospice was called at the end.

So I took care of her for and house duties for 3 yrs . My h would drive to appt and such , but not much help.

T and I were talking about feelings and she said even though I loathe her I took care of her , she said " you didn't have to but you did it anyway.

WTF who else was going to do it? There was no money for a nursing home, it's just h and I . That really pissed me off. Something to ask in two weeks. Is she trying to make me say I cared? After this woman treated me like crap, demeaned me, used racial slurs.

The other thing she keeps say I'm not honest with my emotions and I wear masks .

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[IndestructibleGirl]

I can see how the remark would piss you off, in ways. It could be interpreted as one of those things people say, that can be kind of meaningless - like for example when somebody dies of cancer and everyone says 'they were so brave' - wtf? The person doesn't really have a choice, they have to get on with it.

But. Wasn't your relationship with mil quite complex?? I know she was hateful to you, but at other points was the relationship good/ friendly/ warm? Do you have good memories of her as well as bad? Mixed feelings are totally valid. It is very possible that you cared about her very much AND were deeply hurt and resentful at her treating you badly. If this might be a possibility, maybe your T is just inviting you to look at it as a potential reality, rather than trying to ram it down your neck that it IS true. If that makes sense?

[HazelGirl]

Maybe your T wants to point out your inner motivations for caring for your MIL. Because you didn't have to. You chose to, as much as you felt like it was forced. You could have kicked her to the curb, or forced her to get home care, but you didn't.

[Leah123]

I do not think she's trying to suggest/prove that you cared.
I think your feelings about your MIL are and were very reasonable: taking care of someone so intimately who is difficult to get along with breeds a lot of resentment and upset!

I think it's worth looking at that you *felt* you had to take care of her. You chose to, even though I do not mean to say there were other easy choices. But some choices would be to let her deal with the public health system alone, which many do, or to get a divorce, or to make your husband do more, lots of other choices, but I completely understand your feeling of obligation, that you had to do it.

My sister in law was in the same situation, and actually... she just up and quit taking care of my Gramma, refused to do it, even though my gramma was very sweet (but a lot of work because she got dementia), because it was such a burden. But my brother still married her. These situations can happen in lots of different ways.

I'm sorry you're upset about this now: I don't think she meant any harm, I think that because you two have not talked in so long, there's just not enough time yet to get clear on everything, but try and remember, her goal is just to help you feel better.

[sweepy62]

Indestructible: yes it does make sense, it was not miserable 24/7 there were good moments and funny moments. She towards the last year told me how much she did love me, but I was not accepting it.

I never treated her badly, never disrespected her or never verbally let her know I couldn't stand her. I held that in or sometimes told h, and my t.


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[sweepy62]

Leah: I got upset at her because she won't let go of this topic, mil is gone a month and a week already, she knows I'm not grieving the person, but thinks I'm grieving the care taking role. Also I do think she trying to make me say I cared for her, which goes back to feelings and emotions.

Which she says goes back into my past. She says I had a caretaker role as a child , I played the parent role.

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[sweepy62]

Hazelgirl: you sound like my t sometimes lol.

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[Leah123]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Leah: I got upset at her because she won't let go of this topic, mil is gone a month and a week already, she knows I'm not grieving the person, but thinks I'm grieving the care taking role. Also I do think she trying to make me say I cared for her, which goes back to feelings and emotions.

Which she says goes back into my past. She says I had a caretaker role as a child , I played the parent role.

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Yes, I think that's exactly what you were doing: you were doing what you decided was your duty. Some people would have done just what you did, others divorce their husband because they don't want the difficulty, others let the parent fend for themselves, others recruit part/time help, etc. There are lots of roles, and you chose the care-taker one, only it didn't feel like a choice to you did it. And just like there was discord, there were certainly some positive moments too, but that doesn't mean you enjoyed the entire experience or that it wasn't stressful and upsetting. Just that it's not all black or white. You can feel a whole range of things, but plenty of time to think it all through. I know it's hard only seeing your T so infrequently!!

[sweepy62]

Leah: yeah that's pissing me off as well. I'm going to let her know the comment bothered me. I just have to come up with a clever answer, she will ask way it's bothering me. I want to have a very good explanation .

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[Leah123]

I think the question is:

"What were you afraid to lose if you did not take care of your MIL?"

[sweepy62]

Leah: that's very deep!!!' In a way I think it might have felt somewhat guilty if I didn't help. I took care if my mom and him when he was drunk at age 7 , then it continued as my siblings were born.

My family was not appreciative, or maybe they just didn't know how to show it.

I did not enjoy taking care of mil, it was a struggle. I'm beating around the bush here with this question. All I know is that I never loved her, I did not shed a tear when she passed, it was just another day.


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[blur]

sweepy, maybe there were other options for your MIL's care, e.g. the home health care, but they weren't really acceptable under the circumstances so you didn't feel like you had a choice. i bet your T just wants you to see that you do have more options than maybe you realize. that can help in the future so you don't take on things you really don't want to do. of course that means standing up for yourself and setting firm boundaries sometimes which can be difficult to do.

emotional honesty can also be hard if you were not allowed to be emotionally honest growing up. one of my fb friends wrote one time how she's really honest intellectually but realized she isn't emotionally honest. i read that and thought ugh i think i'm probably the same way. sometimes we have a hard time hearing our own voice amidst all the "shoulds".

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Hazelgirl: you sound like my t sometimes lol.

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Someone's gotta talk some sense around here sometimes!

[sweepy62]

Hazelgirl : I very much appreciate it, you know I love your straightforwardness lol.

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[sweepy62]

Blur: I'm not emotionally honest, she is right, I'm learning though. I just think therapy for me is like going to preschool and learning all over again, but at a warp speed.

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[Lady Lindsey]

Maybe your therapist was just saying even when someone is rude and hurtful you care. There are a lot of people out there, even when there is no one else to take care of someone, they don't step up and do what needs to be done. You may have done it out of obligation or caring or because you had a sense of duty, who knows what exactly your reason was... I don't think you stated she ever said you cared... I think she was just stating a fact, even though the lady treated you like ****, you did what you needed to do... I would look at it as you are a better person and rose above the racial slurs and hate and did what you did and were there for someone even when she didn't deserve it... Care may not be the right word to use, but you did what many people don't do, you stepped up to the plate and took care of a hateful women and that is the facts...

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Lady Lindsey

Maybe your therapist was just saying even when someone is rude and hurtful you care. There are a lot of people out there, even when there is no one else to take care of someone, they don't step up and do what needs to be done. You may have done it out of obligation or caring or because you had a sense of duty, who knows what exactly your reason was... I don't think you stated she ever said you cared... I think she was just stating a fact, even though the lady treated you like ****, you did what you needed to do... I would look at it as you are a better person and rose above the racial slurs and hate and did what you did and were there for someone even when she didn't deserve it... Care may not be the right word to use, but you did what many people don't do, you stepped up to the plate and took care of a hateful women and that is the facts...

Yes , I did, Im the better person for it, thats what Iam told over and over, I believe she regretted her behavior towards me, during the last year, she clung on to me as though I was her best friend. I felt it was a duty, but and obligation, but in reality, it was not mine to have.