[nessaea]

Hey,

Haven't posted in a while; life got kind of crazy. Something happened today though that I just really want to write somewhere. Not exactly sure what I'm looking for, though probably just need a place to sort out some thoughts/feelings.

I'm no longer in individual therapy, but have been attending a long-term group therapy for almost two years. As much as I like the group, I often don't feel like I fit in, or that it is right for me. I am the youngest person in the group by at least 20 years, and don't have a lot in common with anyone there aside from our mental health stuff. However, I still go because, well, it's all I have. That being said, I don't usually open up in group. I sometimes talk about specific things that are going on in my life and how they make me feel, but for the most part I'm quiet and just listen/support others. I've never really said anything "real".

Today however, a member of the group kept talking about me and my life in a way I didn't like (he's being doing this since I first joined, but today it just really bugged me) and so I finally spoke up. For about 10 seconds, I said something that was genuine and not rehearsed, but a little aggressive/assertive....and I immediately regretted it. (To clarify, I didn't yell at him or anything, but basically just said I would really appreciate if he didn't talk about my situation like that because he was using a lot of black and white terms to describe a very complex issue) It is very uncharacteristic for me because I'm usually the quiet but relentlessly supportive/accepting/understanding one in the group. Anyway, I felt horrible for the rest of group, and right after it ended, I grabbed a piece of paper and quickly scribbled down an apology to the psychiatrist who runs the group, saying I was sorry I got upset and said what I did, and that it wouldn't happen again. I stopped by her office just as she was leaving and handed it to her, and tried to get out the door before she read it...but didn't quite make it. She called me back and started trying to talk to me about it, and that's when something weird happened.

I totally freaked out. I got really nervous, and couldn't go near her or look her in the eye. I don't even remember what she was saying to me because all I could think about was how I wanted to get away. She took one step closer to me and I started to panic and shake. She said something about how she wanted me to bring this up next group, and I practically screamed "NO....please no!" and then said I had to go and essentially ran out. It took me at least 15 minutes before I calmed down enough that I was able to safely drive home.

Anyway, I don't really know what happened. I think I went into what my old T used to call my "scared little bunny" mode, but that hasn't happened to me in years, and almost never for no reason. I don't really know this doctor at all, and aside from the intake sessions two year ago, I've pretty much never interacted with her one-on-one, so there is no reason for me to be scared of her or anything, but I felt terrified.

So, that's it. I don't know what happened, and now I feel weird and strangely scared and don't ever want to go back. I'm sure I'll figure it out, but if anyone has any insight on what happened or advice or just random encouragement, I'd love to hear it. Thanks

ness

[growlycat]

Any reason that you don't do individual therapy anymore? There's nothing wrong with needing both privacy and a nonjudgemental atmosphere.

Sorry you experienced this. In the past, I hated group therapy partly for this reason --because there was either:

A. A drama queen member who sucked all the air out of the room..."me me me"

or B. There is always some sactimonious jerk who thinks that they are a jr therapist because they have been doing group forever. They see everyone's flaws but their own.

[nessaea]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Any reason that you don't do individual therapy anymore? There's nothing wrong with needing both privacy and a nonjudgemental atmosphere.

Sorry you experienced this. In the past, I hated group therapy partly for this reason --because there was either:

A. A drama queen member who sucked all the air out of the room..."me me me"

or B. There is always some sactimonious jerk who thinks that they are a jr therapist because they have been doing group forever. They see everyone's flaws but their own.

Thanks for the response!

I don't do individual therapy because I can't afford it. I used to get free coverage through my university health center, but since I'm not at school any more I can't afford to pay for it. The group therapy is covered by our health care system, as would be therapy with a psychiatrist, but to get that I'd need a referral from a family doctor (which I don't have) plus the waiting list is at least a year. I've thought about asking the group therapy doctor if she knew anyone she could refer me to, but I don't know if she would/could, and I don't want to overstep any boundaries.

I know what you mean about there being all sorts of interesting folk in groups - I've been pretty lucky so far in that I haven't had anyone too bad, but because I'm so young compared to the rest of them, they all kind of seem to want to protect me, and tend to get very judgemental about my life/situation in ways that they don't get with the others. *shrugs*

[growlycat]

Don't know if you are in the US or elsewhere, but many T's have a sliding scale fee system.

Asking your group T for a referral or help should be perfectly ok! If they can't or don't want to they can always say no or point you in the right direction.

Sometimes it is too easy for an older person to say "I've been there and this is what you should do" (at middle age, I'm probably guilty of this too). Doesn't mean we are right

[A Red Panda]

You know what? I totally get how you reacted and probably why.

I can't do confrontation either. I can't speak up for myself. The odd time that I have.... I've then shortly after freaked right out because I was so scared about what would HAPPEN now that I voiced a negative emotion. I'd freak out and panic and then when the thoughts got clearer... I'd be worried about people thinking less of me, not liking me, not respecting me, I'd worry that they would refuse to ever have anything to do with me, or that they'd tell other people and that they would all hate me and that I'd be left alone.

And then I would be so paralyzed by it that I would not go anywhere near that person as long as I possibly could... and then pretty much henceforth I would be incapable of anything except basically trying to meet their needs and desires.

Goodness.... I sound really pathetic saying that......

You didn't even get through the group session without writing an apology letter, because you somehow wanted to erase what you did (even though what you did was right, and great). So when your T wanted to talk about it - you flipped and most likely your brain was saying that you just made things WORSE instead of better by apologizing... and that probably goes against everything in your mind. Trying to apologize and move on... shouldn't equate to having more confrontation (at least in my brain when it freaks out!).

Make yourself go to the next session, ok? Even through the terror. You don't have to say anything at all there if you don't want to, but it'd be brave of you to go.

[Perna]

I get your reaction too and I would probably not be able to go back to group, etc. To me, it feels like being cornered in a way and I don't like that feeling. A lot of individual therapy helped me so I can "stay" now but I am still majorly uncomfortable when it happens.

[nessaea]

@growlycat - I'm not in the US, but some people here do operate on a sliding scale. I just need something slid VERY far to one side, and I feel uncomfortable asking for that type of concession.

@A_Red_Panda - Wow! You really hit the nail on the head there. I don't know why I hadn't really related this to my fear of confrontation, but that probably has a huge impact on how I reacted. But the feelings you described are pretty much identical to ones I experience often. So, I think your assessment is true.
In thinking about it more, I think I'm also really intimidated by my T (I actually might write a post about that sometime to get some advice on how to deal with that) so I think that just exacerbated the anxiety about the confrontation/did-I-make-it-worse thing.

@Perna - I feel kind of the same way, even though I know it was completely my fault.

I will try to go back. The next group is in two weeks, so that is either good, in that I have time to get over this, or bad in that I have two whole weeks to freak out about it and I'll be a wreck by the time it comes. Knowing me, I'm betting on the latter!

[Favorite Jeans]

Changing and stepping out of our comfort zones is really scary! The first few times I told my family that I wasn't going to go along with some plan of theirs I really thought it would be easier to die than have that conversation. Literally. I hoped to die and felt that I was too incompetent to be alive because come on it's just a few words.

So I get what you're saying. But this could be the most therapeutic part of group therapy for you: The day you found your voice (even if it shook.) The day you told some jerk to step off. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to follow this up and figure out those crucial skills within the contained and relatively safe fishbowl that is your group. It's actually quite exciting.

[SeekerOfLife]

I too am frightened of confrontation. I feel guilty for saying what I think. I feel foolish for speaking up. I feel vulnerable for showing my heart.

[Bill3]

(...what you did was right, and great)

This.

Congratulations!

this could be the most therapeutic part of group therapy for you: The day you found your voice (even if it shook.) The day you told some jerk to step off. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to follow this up and figure out those crucial skills within the contained and relatively safe fishbowl that is your group. It's actually quite exciting.

And this!

[nessaea]

@Favorite_Jeans - Intellectually, I can totally see what you mean. I can understand how this might actually be a good thing; might actually mean I'm getting more comfortable with both the group (because I chose to ask him to stop) and the group T (because I chose to initiate a one-on-one interaction with her instead of just trying to hide.) Emotionally, however, this feels like massive giant steps backwards, since just the thought of going to group again makes me want to throw up out of fear and anxiety. So, I guess I have to find the head/heart balance (which is pretty much what I struggle with most in my life) and see where that takes me.

@seekersinking - Confrontation sucks! And so does being vulnerable. These things can be super scary eh? But I guess that's why it's such a big deal when we learn how to do them

@Bill3 - Thanks for support and encouragement!

[Favorite Jeans]

It's not a step back. When things are less challenging, you feel less anxiety. But taking on this kind of challenge (even if you feel like you're going to puke) is brave and it's progress. I know it doesn't feel that way at all. But you've done great. Seriously. And the next group, as crazy as it feels to anticipate, will most likely be just fine.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

There is nothing wrong with telling another member of the group when they are stepping on your toes. We all need to learn to stand up for ourselves, but to do so in an appropriate manner. The pdoc leading the group must not have thought you were doing anything terribly wrong or else they would have addressed the issue right then, not waited until you tried to apologize. You did nothing wrong here that I can see, absolutely nothing.