[BadWolf]

I started therapy and I was hopeless. I learned some skills, had a good relationship with my T and I started to feel better. I had happy times like never before. they were brief but significant. Now i feel like I want to stop because feeling better is somhow harder than feeling hopeless

[Favorite Jeans]

Yeah? How so?

[anilam]

Maybe because you don't believe you deserve to be happy?

That's why feeling miserable is somehow "easier" for me. I feel I need to deserve happiness (which I never do) so in past I ended up hurting myself to make it even. Now I skipp the SI part and work on the I-deserve-to-be-happy part in therapy.

Are you fearful that you won't receive the same care and attention from you therapist if you are doing better?

[CantExplain]

We often choose a familiar pain over an unfamiliar pleasure.

[bunnylove45]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

We often choose a familiar pain over an unfamiliar pleasure.

Exactly how I feel!

Pleasure is never is sustainable...however pain/sadness/unhappiness etc seems to be ever present.

So I seem to be in love with the sadness because it's familiar. Happiness is fleeting (at least in my world).

[neutrino]

I, too, often worry that perhaps I want to be miserable. I think the main reason for that is that I really don't remember what feeling good feels like and I'm very afraid of uncertainty and unfamiliar things. Sometimes I'm also afraid that therapists etc will completely abandon me if I do better. However, when really trying to think rationally I realise there's probably no way I'd actually choose to suffer (because I really do suffer) from anxiety and depression.

Perhaps it's the same for you?

[BadWolf]

After 28 years of feeling miserable it makes sense that feeling not miserable is new and uncharted territory. I also always feel bad in the winter. I also hate to admit it but I do worry about my t not caring as much if I do very well. I guess I also know that it takes work to feel better and that work is becoming tiresome. Maybe I am just supposed to be sad? Is it worth the effort to maintain positivity. I can see myself becoming depressed.

[purplemystery]

I understand the desire to stay feeling down. I'm not sure if this sounds weird, but I (illogically) feel there is a certain beauty to depression. A certain depth of emotion.

I will say, BadWolf, that I used to feel that it was a lot of effort to maintain positivity. In the beginning, I felt like I was faking and eventually I didn't have enough energy to keep it up. But after awhile, (and some of it I do credit to therapy), it didn't feel like quite as much of an effort. I'm by no means happy all the time, but I just wanted to say that there is hope.

[tinyrabbit]

Change is frightening, even when it's positive.