[sweepy62]

Everytime I disclose a part of my csa , not even detailed, my t will say " I'm sorry that happened to you sweepy" I mean like it gets me so pissed , I tell her politely thank you but that she does not have to say it, and she says she means it and that she wants to say it. So I told her I don't want you to say it anymore , and t said that I cannot control what she says , I plan to tell her it pisses me off. Should she stop ?

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[Freewilled]

That would tick me off too! Especially the part where you asked her not to say it and she said she wants to and you can't control what she says. I mean, I would think that she should apologize and ask you what about it upsets you...or how you feel about it. I'm sorry, but I think that's B.S. I would def tell my T to stop and if he didn't, I'd threaten to quit and maybe even leave. But that's me and I'm super over reactive sometimes so I don't know if you should listen to that /:

Could you ask your T why she says it? And why it seems she thinks its important for you to hear it?

[Bill3]

I plan to tell her it pisses me off

This sounds good to me. She should know how it makes you feel.

[Yoda]

What do you want her to say?

[peridot28]

Originally Posted by Yoda

What do you want her to say?

Yeah, this is my question, too. It sounds like she's being supportive, to me. Why is it upsetting to you that she wants to express empathy over what happened to you?

[IndestructibleGirl]

I see where the OP is coming from. If the T is saying the same thing over and over as her stock response to each new detail that emerges of the CSA, then I would personally find that irritating too, I think. I'd prefer her to say nothing then parrot the same thing again and again like an automaton. In fact I might get the exact opposite of empathy from that - almost like she was at a loss to say anything that conveyed understanding me at all, and resorted to an appropriate soundbite rather than honest contact between us.

[kirby777]

Sweepy-

Please tell her. It is YOUR T session. I know I get po'd when ppl say the same thing about "X"...but if it were my T about something as important as csa, I would feel as you do.

You cant control what another person says but you can tell her how it makes you feel...so perhaps you could say..."when i hear you say ......I really hear........." Then perhaps she could tell you what those words she says means to her and what she is trying to convey and you two could come up with something that works for both of you....

[0w6c379]

You asked your T not to say it. I agree that it sounds like a rote response that is not acceptable. It sounds like your T has no other means of showing empathy or doesn't know how. If she keeps doing it, even after you've asked her to stop, I would leave. I would feel like she has no respect for me.

[nicoleflynn]

She says she can't control what she says? That is ridiculous. We all control everything we say.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Yoda

What do you want her to say?

I am going to tell her, that I understand its her job to tell me that she is sorry that this happened to me, even though I know she really means it, but it just really pisses me off and I dont know why, I guess at this point she will want to discuss why it pisses me off, but I really dont know why, and I dont want to waste a session guessing at why.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I see where the OP is coming from. If the T is saying the same thing over and over as her stock response to each new detail that emerges of the CSA, then I would personally find that irritating too, I think. I'd prefer her to say nothing then parrot the same thing again and again like an automaton. In fact I might get the exact opposite of empathy from that - almost like she was at a loss to say anything that conveyed understanding me at all, and resorted to an appropriate soundbite rather than honest contact between us.

exactly, what i mean, the first and second time is fine, and then from then on I get that your going to be sorry for the remainder of my disclosure, I dont have to hear it again and again.

[ThisWayOut]

I get frustrated with some phrases like that If I hear them too often. They lose their impact. Do you know why it makes you do upset to hear it? I know I had a t say something similarly over a few sessions, but she was trying to underscore that the event were awful and she was upset that I had experienced them. She told me repeatedly even after I told her I didn't deserve her empathy/sympathy. We had several conversations about it afterwards. It's true that you can't control others, but I'm wondering what her rationale is for repeating something like that. Is she trying to get through a layer Of self-hatred and worthlessness?
Just wondering.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

You cant control what another person says but you can tell her how it makes you feel...so perhaps you could say..."when i hear you say ......I really hear........." Then perhaps she could tell you what those words she says means to her and what she is trying to convey and you two could come up with something that works for both of you....

I know she really means well and she is really empathic and genuine, its just me. I know she is not trying to be malicious or anything its just that I told her it bothers me and she said i cant control what she is saying, and that pissed me off even more, to hear these words " im sorry it happened" repeated in a session, makes me just want to shut down.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

She says she can't control what she says? That is ridiculous. We all control everything we say.

no, she says that i cannot control what she says to me.

[2or3things]

I think it's totally reasonable to express how you feel. That said, she's right about you not getting to decide what she says. It's the same as you...she doesn't get to control how you feel about what she says.

On the one hand I totally empathize...I've been in a similar place a few times when T has shown some concern or caring. And it really is up to you to decide how you want to spend your time in T, so if you don't want to spend time figure out what's behind your reaction, she needs to respect that, I think.

Still, on the other hand, I suspect that there might be something important behind your reaction, and T may suspect the same. I know in the past that hearing something similar from T or whomever could have sent me over the edge because an expression of sympathy suggests that there's something significant enough to be sympathetic about. I often tried to minimize my csa, etc., in order to not feel overwhelmed or like it wasn't within my own control so much, so T's expression of sympathy basically amounted to a threat to my defenses. And that's really difficult if you're not ready for it.

Could something like that be what's happening for you, Sweepy?

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

I get frustrated with some phrases like that If I hear them too often. They lose their impact. Do you know why it makes you do upset to hear it? I know I had a t say something similarly over a few sessions, but she was trying to underscore that the event were awful and she was upset that I had experienced them. She told me repeatedly even after I told her I didn't deserve her empathy/sympathy. We had several conversations about it afterwards. It's true that you can't control others, but I'm wondering what her rationale is for repeating something like that. Is she trying to get through a layer Of self-hatred and worthlessness?
Just wondering.

This makes me wonder, I have told her in previous sessions that I dont like much empathy from anyone because I consider myself to be a very strong person,( in reality im really hurting very much, i didnt tell her this though)

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

I think it's totally reasonable to express how you feel. That said, she's right about you not getting to decide what she says. It's the same as you...she doesn't get to control how you feel about what she says.

On the one hand I totally empathize...I've been in a similar place a few times when T has shown some concern or caring. And it really is up to you to decide how you want to spend your time in T, so if you don't want to spend time figure out what's behind your reaction, she needs to respect that, I think.

Still, on the other hand, I suspect that there might be something important behind your reaction, and T may suspect the same. I know in the past that hearing something similar from T or whomever could have sent me over the edge because an expression of sympathy suggests that there's something significant enough to be sympathetic about. I often tried to minimize my csa, etc., in order to not feel overwhelmed or like it wasn't within my own control so much, so T's expression of sympathy basically amounted to a threat to my defenses. And that's really difficult if you're not ready for it.

Could something like that be what's happening for you, Sweepy?

I could see that happening, since i just started disclosing more and more, I guess more feelings and emotions that had not come out before, like previously all I could identify was anger, now hurt , shame , guilt, confusion, are coming up, these were bottled up, maybe I am overwhelmed and dont know how to deal with these, and they are making me angry, and hearing nice empathy words from her make me more angry.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I am going to tell her, that I understand its her job to tell me that

It is not her job to tell you anything. She's another person and tells you what she, as another person wishes to tell you. She cannot control that you feel pissed off anymore than you can control what she wants to say/says. Anger and frustration at what other people are saying/doing --- you cannot win that in the real world? I would look at what is going on with you so you do not feel angry and frustrated anymore.

[Favorite Jeans]

To me "I'm so sorry that happened to you" (with respect to CSA) is an inappropriately weak sentiment. Especially when said repeatedly. It sounds to me like something you'd say about a fender-bender or a sprained ankle. (But I'm sure your T doesn't mean it that way.)

That said, I'm not sure what I would say in her place or what I'd want to hear in yours Sweepy.

Sometimes when recounting something horrible I feel kind of numb and speak without much expression (I think). I feel reassured when T looks a bit horrified. Though I don't think I actually want her to do this (because: not appropriate!) sometimes I imagine her being overwhelmed by the awfulness (all dramatic like!) so I don't have to be.

I think your T is trying to convey to you that you're worthy of her care and concern and that CSA shouldn't have happened to you. That's probably why she's telling you that she'll keep saying it. Not to annoy you but to drive home that she cares, that there's a good reason for you to feel traumatized, and that CSA although normal in your family is neither normal nor okay.

Does that make sense?

[sweepy62]

Yes it makes alot of sense, maybe I will explore this, or maybe I can come up with something else she can say, idk, seious what I would want her to say is " **** happens but we will work through it" but I know she wont.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Yes it makes alot of sense, maybe I will explore this, or maybe I can come up with something else she can say, idk, seious what I would want her to say is " **** happens but we will work through it" but I know she wont.

Yeah. I hear you. But ***** happens is for a parking ticket or a missed flight. CSA really is a tragedy. In any case I think maybe you've hit the nail on the head with the "but we will work through it" part. You need to know it's work through-able and that she's in it with you for as long as it takes and as long as you need.

Maybe just reiterating that the issue merits a lot of therapy time is enough acknowledgement of its seriousness/horror for you. And knowing she cares and you're not alone is the main thing you need.

[precious things]

I once had a session where Ts response was "you needed protection and I wish I could have been there to protect you.". Right away I raised my hands to my face like "noooo! I don't want to hear that!!". And over time it has occurred to me that T was genuinely expressing how he felt and pointing out where others have failed to take care of me. The anger I had initially towards his statement was because he was so damn right. And it hurts to hear someone cares and would have been there for me as a kid---I am so pisses of at how vulnerable I was left in the world that I always felt I took care of myself the best I could, knowing another person heard my story and cared was almost too painful to hear because finally, FINALLY someone was giving a damn.

[sweepy62]

Wow my t said something to that effect she said " im sorry that happened, I said " I dont care" she said " it happenned because I was not there" omg!!!!!!!!