[JaneC]

So my session last week was not good, I didn't know what happened at the time but I just shut down and completly froze my T out. And going in this week I was terrified that he would terminate or punish me in some way because of my 'bad behaviour'.

But.....

My T asked me immediately if I was nervous about the session, and I said yes.....and he said he was also...and explained that was a normal human reaction whenever there has been a misunderstanding when communicating in any relationship. Then he asked permission to go first.......long story short.......he apologised for not validating me and the pain Iwas in last week but instead he had jumped straight to "Mr Fixit T".

He told me he cared about me and my journey to be able to live a better life and wanted to be able to support me with that in ways that are useful to me.

Holey Moley!! He cares about me?? Oh dear goodness Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! That never ends well for me, in my experience if anyone cares about me(in any context) they also end up hurting me very badly.

And so it went like this:
Jane: I want you to care about me on one level....but most of me just doesn;t want you to. Can't you just tell me you care about doing your job supporting me, rather than care about ME!.... wouldn't that be ok?
T: Not sure that would work for me because I dont think I could do my job vey well if I didn;t care about you or all of my clients.
Jane: But it just really scares me and I really dont want you to care about me. Just care about the work....please?

Anyway.....I do have a question I promise and would really appreciate others experience with this as it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and yet also pleased? that he cares about supporting me? Such a hard thing to be ok with for me, because I also just dont think I deserve to be cared for either..........

This is sooooo confusing......

(thanks if you read all that and if you take the time to reply)

[IndestructibleGirl]

I understand this, I think. Sometimes (when my mood is low, I guess) when my therapist is saying something that illustrates that she does care, I get extremely uncomfortable. Though in my case it's because, in that bad headspace I think I don't deserve it and I'm somehow tricking her into caring enough to try to help, so I feel mortified. But the rational part of me appreciates her care and knows that the other stuff is bullsh*t and is sad it's so screwed up. So it can be really mixed.

I don't know if this might help, but I find it easier to take the caring in from a little bit of a distance right now. My therapist has said wonderfully caring things on the telephone, in emails and texts, and I don't squirm away from them there like I do in face to face situations - I can appreciate the care and all the good stuff in a fully relaxed way. I hope I can work up to being at ease in the same way in person someday

[granite1]

my T has never said she cares about me in fact one time she said she could only care as much as i do. she said it wouldn't be a good thing if she cared more then me.i don't quite know how i feel about that. i think i am terrified of expectations and if she said she cared i would feel that comes with expectations that i surely would fail at . so i guess im ok with her not telling me if she cares.

[A Red Panda]

Oh, I'd be feeling the same way as you. I get freaked out when people care about me because I jump straight to "They care, so they have expectations, I'm not going to meet them, they're going to be disappointed, I won't be able to fix it, they'll leave." Never fails.

As long as they don't say something that comes across as "I care about you" then I can at leats deny it to myself and not totally flip out.

[lrt1978]

My T yesterday said she was really worried and cares, I don't want people doing that as in my head, I'm not worth being worried about plus I feel like such a burden, as I don't want them worrying or caring.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I can relate to some of this, Jane. I definitely get the "very uncomfortable but also pleased" feeling. My T is not a warm fuzzy overtly caring guy, but he has said that he likes me (when I asked him) and that he would not be able to work with people he didn't like, and that felt surprisingly OK, but also scary, because OMG I am going to mess this up and he will stop liking me and I'll be let down.... you get the kind of reasoning, I think. I know about the fear that if somebody cares they'll just hurt you all the worse, after. But for me, the T relationship is so completely unlike all other relationships that it's fairly easy for me to get away from that fear, despite all the scary stories I've read at PC.

Was caring, and/or love/liking, something that would be expressed in your family when you were growing up? Words like that were never spoken in my family, but I did have a next-door neighbour, an elderly lady who was kind of a honorary grandmother for me, who told me that she loved me and showed me unconditional love, too, so I have had that. For all those people who never had it at all, it must be so much harder to accept those words from a T.

[A Red Panda]

LRT: I think that too. I know I'm a burden because I just have too many issues and if I talk about them... no one would want to hear it, and eventually I know they will just get frustrated. And I don't want to be frustrating anyone.

[sweepy62]

I am a people pleaser so I keep asking how t is, and so she told me, you are not here to take care of me, you never had anyone take care of you, so now its my turn as your therapist to LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU. OMG!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to run away so bad because I am so Not use to anyone doing that for me , so it is very frightning, but I never discussed it with her.

[stopdog]

It is quite unsettling when the therapist says such things. I want the woman to stay back.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by JaneC

So my session last week was not good, I didn't know what happened at the time but I just shut down and completly froze my T out. And going in this week I was terrified that he would terminate or punish me in some way because of my 'bad behaviour'.

But.....

My T asked me immediately if I was nervous about the session, and I said yes.....and he said he was also...and explained that was a normal human reaction whenever there has been a misunderstanding when communicating in any relationship. Then he asked permission to go first.......long story short.......he apologised for not validating me and the pain Iwas in last week but instead he had jumped straight to "Mr Fixit T".

He told me he cared about me and my journey to be able to live a better life and wanted to be able to support me with that in ways that are useful to me.

Holey Moley!! He cares about me?? Oh dear goodness Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! That never ends well for me, in my experience if anyone cares about me(in any context) they also end up hurting me very badly.

And so it went like this:
Jane: I want you to care about me on one level....but most of me just doesn;t want you to. Can't you just tell me you care about doing your job supporting me, rather than care about ME!.... wouldn't that be ok?
T: Not sure that would work for me because I dont think I could do my job vey well if I didn;t care about you or all of my clients.
Jane: But it just really scares me and I really dont want you to care about me. Just care about the work....please?

Anyway.....I do have a question I promise and would really appreciate others experience with this as it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and yet also pleased? that he cares about supporting me? Such a hard thing to be ok with for me, because I also just dont think I deserve to be cared for either..........

This is sooooo confusing......

(thanks if you read all that and if you take the time to reply)

My experience with this sort of thing is that is just makes me that much more "attached" to my T, and not in a necessarily good way. So, based on past experience I would rather they didn't say that. I am so hungry to have someone to love and care about me, that when they do I tend to read waaay more into it than it actually is. I don't have relationships as much as I take hostages. So when someone says they "care about me" they are just setting themselves up to be kidnapped.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

I am so hungry to have someone to love and care about me, that when they do I tend to read waaay more into it than it actually is. I don't have relationships as much as I take hostages. So when someone says they "care about me" they are just setting themselves up to be kidnapped.

Good one. But that's why ts are safe in their room. And we are too. A lot of healing mental action can take place in there.

[elliemay]

I used to have a range of responses to people saying they cared about me. Especially spontaneous declarations of such.

These included, but definitely were not limited to:

Why?
Okay, what do you want from me as a result of saying that?
How are you going to use that against me?
What am I supposed to do with that?
That may be true, but it won't change a thing.
Not sure I believe you, but whatever.

However, I took it upon myself to directly, honestly, and with all the courage I could muster to challenge those beliefs/thoughts. At first I just had to tolerate someone's caring without suspecting it - and believe me, it was just tolerate. I didn't like it one little bit.

Then, I started doing my best to think that there are people who do care and that's it. They just do.

Then I started to think, well maybe I'm a person worth caring about.

Then I started being very happy that people did.

Then I started expecting people to care. Yeah, that's right, I expect people to care. Why? Because they should. I'm a human being. People should care just because I'm here.

It doesn't mean they always will, and that's fine, but, believe me, they should. When they don't it says way more about them than me.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I can relate to some of this, Jane. I definitely get the "very uncomfortable but also pleased"
Was caring, and/or love/liking, something that would be expressed in your family when you were growing up? Words like that were never spoken in my family, but I did have a next-door neighbour, an elderly lady who was kind of a honorary grandmother for me, who told me that she loved me and showed me unconditional love, too, so I have had that. For all those people who never had it at all, it must be so much harder to accept those words from a T.

These sorts of emotions were not expressed to me, often the opposite. Like you at the age of about 10 ihad a kindly eldedly lady move in over the road......I think she cared about me, I certainly enjoyed spending time at her house and not mine.

I just dont know what to do with expressions of care from others.......it's really quite sad. But I care deeply for others.

[JaneC]

Thanks for the replies.......

Like you elliemay there are actually a huge range of emotions, but mostlyt the fear of someone hurting me, also definately "I don't deserve this" and like redpanda I think it was.....I'll mess this up, then it'll all be over and they want care anymore........

It's a rollercoaster.........but as hankster said........I guess a lot of healing can take place in the herapy room.

With great discomfort comes great healing?

[JaneC]

Oops double post.............pls ignore lol

[Favorite Jeans]

I don't think I could work with my T if I didn't truly feel that she cares about me (or if I didn't care about her.) For me the fact that she's competent isn't enough.

This sounds like a big deal Jane! Totally worth exploring why this is so triggering for you. Because obviously it's not just about your therapeutic relationship but about all major relationships if you feel like you don't deserve to be cared for, can't trust it and want to run a mile when someone says they care for you.

[Aloneandafraid]

My T also said this to me recently and I felt so uncomfortable too. Then I realized that I had never heard it or felt it while I was growing up. It felt so good to hear someone say that about me that I can still not really believe it (she did go on to say she cares about ALL her clients!) so not to get me thinking I am special in any way. I also had a close relationship with a woman who was a bit older than my mum who I adored and who I looked to for support and warmth. She was my role model growing up. I still adore her and keep in touch with her but I feel such sadness as she has a very loving family with grandchildren etc who she adores and I am not part of that family. I desperately want to feel special to someone but feel huge guilt for this.

[MASIMO]

Years ago I asked T If he cared. He responded, by email, "get real, If it isn't obvious by now, what do I have to do or say? Wow, I couldn't help but read into this that he had strong feelings,
What do you think?

[Freewilled]

Omg - my T said the same thing a few weeks ago and I wanted to hide (think I did hide my face and turned away)....It was like I wanted to disappear. I do like the way you responded as i feel very similar....I think I mumbled something like I don't know how to feel about that or what to say. I think I told him its hard for me to believe that, although I'm sure he cares "on some level"....but honestly, thinking about it now, I feel worried that I will let him down. I don't want to hurt him or be hurt, I guess. T seems to think I want to be "impermeable Freewilled" and he's right. Only I can't always manage that - only sometimes /: plus I'm awfully lonely

I think it's so hard to come face to face with ourselves and all the pain that's held inside. Sometimes when I catch a glimpse, it's so horrible I can't even believe it - I've tried to keep it together for so long I've neglected to see what kind of shape I'm in and I'm ashamed of it. Sharing the mess with my T makes it hard to see how he could care at all about it - like I'm so disgusting he should want to look away and leave.

But he says he cares. He really seems to.....so hard to take that in for me.

[athena.agathon]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Anyway.....I do have a question I promise and would really appreciate others experience with this as it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and yet also pleased? that he cares about supporting me? Such a hard thing to be ok with for me, because I also just dont think I deserve to be cared for either..........

This is sooooo confusing......

(thanks if you read all that and if you take the time to reply)

Originally Posted by JaneC

Like you elliemay there are actually a huge range of emotions, but mostlyt the fear of someone hurting me, also definately "I don't deserve this" and like redpanda I think it was.....I'll mess this up, then it'll all be over and they want care anymore........

With great discomfort comes great healing?

(I think that yes?)^^

Gaah, yes, yes to the above! This has been like a central issue in my therapy. T cares about me and wants to help. Me: I don't believe it. I am a POS and don't deserve it. I'm going to ***** up soon and you'll see your mistake. And what do you want from me?! For fully a year, every time this "I care about you" nonsense came up, I shrank into nothing or felt irrationally angry or needed to get away.

At this point, I can mostly stay in the room while he talks like that and I can sometimes relax and enjoy the "this is nice" part of it while ignoring the "thisisBSthisisBSthisisBS" track playing in my head. It has gotten easier, and I'm hopeful that it will keep getting easier (and transfer more and more to my other relationships).

[shezbut]

I roll my eyes every time I hear those words... I think, "Yeah, right."

I've told my T more than a few times that I know that he sees me because that's his job. He gets paid to see me every 2 weeks. Whoop-de-dooo. Maybe, on some level, part of him does care. But, I don't forsee that his level of care for me is anything personal. Just a face in the crowd, really.

When I think about it, I *think* that my emotions are fear and anger (like resentment) when my T says that he cares about me.

[JaneC]

The more I think about this (which I really wish I was not doing!) the more confused and stressed I get.

I really wish that he had not said it, because then I could have kept on believing that he only sees me because he is paid to and because he is the type of person that would always do his job to the best of his ability....not because he actually 'cares'!!! Then I wouldn't have to worry about messing up, about him beginning to judge me like everybody else that has come close ever has, about him eventually terminating me because of soemthign that I say or do.............I could go on.....

And then there is this tiny bit of hope, so deeply hidden, that maybe someone could & would actually see and hear me, the real me, and actually care. And for once I could be vulnerable, and myself and not be destroyed. Even thinking this has me in floods of tears, sadness and fear mixed together.

Well, thats going to make for a fun session on Thursday isn't it.....ugh!

Thankyou all for your replies, it has helped to not be alone in this.

[growlycat]

I hope Thurs goes well for you!!!!

When CBT notices something about me, like a new shirt or that I seem tired ---I feel really vulnerable and exposed that he "notices" seemingly everything , but on another level it feels good that he is taking care to do a visually inventory that may give clues to how I am doing. I like being cared for but it is scary to trust.