[innocentjoy]

I saw my t last week, and realized that I caught her in a lie. Not a horrible lie, one that was for my benefit, and a fairly small one. Normally if this would happen, I'd be very upset, but I'm not upset with her, just a little unsure of how to deal with it.

Originally she had asked me if I would mind her supervisor sitting in on a meeting with us, and taking over the session so that she could learn some new techniques. I was surprised about this, and she volunteered that she was looking for some more learning opportunities and since she had a caseload of one, I was the one to sit in with. I had some reservations about this, first because I dont' know him, and he would be jumping in with stuff it had taken me months to open up to my t about. Second because her role had changed since I started seeing her, and she wasn't doing longer clients, just mostly drop in and intakes. Later on, when I mentioned I felt really awkward and unsure about being her only client, she said that I wasn't anymore.

The apt that was supposed to be the three of us was cancelled because my t was off sick. We came up with three more options for him to come, and she then told me she had mentioned she didn't think it was necessary for him to come, and he said if it wasn't necessary, then not to worry about it.

This confused me again, and I asked her about it. She said he must have gotten really busy and didn't have the extra time.

Which brings us up to last week, when she told me that she had been talking to him about not knowing what kind of homework/tasks to give me, and he mentioned that he could model a style of therapy where homework and tasks wouldn't be necessary. I assume she agreed because she felt it was better to agree, not really because she felt it would be a huge help. I'm sure my reluctance made the issue much bigger than originally it would have.

Also, in the meantime we'd had a big open discussion about issues that I was having with certain parts of the sessions that were triggering me, and things seemed to have calmed down and been really good since.

Long story short, she told me a different reason for him being there at two different times. I'm sure that they could both work together, and feel like she was telling me only half the truth at first, and then didn't realize that she'd told me the real reason before. Originally it had been stressed that it had nothing to do with me, just with her. Now I'm finding out I was the main reason right from the start.

I should mention that this doesn't hurt my trust in her as my counselor, and I'm not furious and/or thinking about terminating the relationship or telling anyone she works with. I want to continue working with her, and don't feel it necessary to make any big changes. I just feel like I wish I knew where I stood with her. Is she overwhelmed with my needs, does she think I'm doing worse than I thought she did (or even than I think now), or was it just kind of a nothing thing that was made into much bigger of a deal than it was? I'm not one to twist someone's arm and force an honest answer out of them, and I have felt plenty supported while seeing her.

Knowing this is how I feel, would you (if you were in my shoes) bring it up with her? And in what way: when the topic comes up, first thing next time I see her, on it's own, etc??

Any input would be appreciated!!

[Daeva]

I would definitely bring it up with her! It's much easier to discuss vulnerable things when the air is clear. I would just sit down and wait a bit and tell her, "There's something I feel we need to talk about....." explain how you feel about her (tha she's been suportive and what not) and then say something like 'i'm just confused because of....

I don't see those as two separate reasons, but more as one being more specific than the other.

[RTerroni]

I did a post about Therapist lies a few weeks back and personally I can't stand being lied to by a Therapist (even if it's a small one).

[~EnlightenMe~]

I would talk to her about it and ask the questions you need to ask. Do you think it will become a bigger deal if you don't address it with her? This way, you will know and won't have to guess. Keep us posted!

[innocentjoy]

Thanks everyone. I can kind of see them as the same reason, but one being much more specific. I dont' feel like she just made something up, I feel like she was just careful about what part of the complete truth she told me, based on how I was doing at the time, and what I needed to know to help me out.

I don't think it will make anything else difficult if it never gets discussed. If it ever did, I would make sure to bring it up then. I'm usually very good at addressing things in a positive manner anyways, because I'm so sensitive myself I don't like upsetting people. I just worry that it would make drama out of nothing if it was dealt with. And as horrible as this sounds, if I let her know about this I'm worried she will be more careful about what she tells me in the future, in case it upsets me. Whereas now she just says what she feels best in the moment, I'm afraid that everything will be more carefully said than before. I could be paranoid about that part though...

thanks again..

[unaluna]

My t kinda does that too - makes everything so freakin positive. I did tell him once that I had enough negativity from my family for a lifetime. So sometimes it almost gets ridiculous. But it's probably necessary to make brain changes. We almost crave for them to criticize us, like dare them that we can take it - but I think that would just be falling back into old patterns, old defenses.

[Syra]

I had a similar situation, and I told my T. I'm glad I did.

[innocentjoy]

Originally Posted by hankster

My t kinda does that too - makes everything so freakin positive. I did tell him once that I had enough negativity from my family for a lifetime. So sometimes it almost gets ridiculous. But it's probably necessary to make brain changes. We almost crave for them to criticize us, like dare them that we can take it - but I think that would just be falling back into old patterns, old defenses.

you know, I hadn't thought of it that way...but it's so darn true. I feel completely thrown off by her constant positive attitude and support to me, lol. I keep waiting for her to bring out the negative comments, to start taking back the positive things. In my family, positive things are said often, but rarely meant. And then they are taken back when the person is no longer in a fantastic, supportive mood. So it's hard for me to believe that this positive attitude is true. And it makes sense that the extreme positiveness is needed to offset the negative comments, especially because I've long since internalized everything.

I will see what happens in the moment with this. I won't bring it up out of the blue, unless I feel the need to clear the air or it is causing me issues, but if it does come up, I will bring it up. I will, however, ask her about the overwhelmingness, as there are a few other things that have happened lately that I would like to talk about that...not me overwhelming her, but the system in general. I hate feeling like I'm being too clingy, and I need to find some balance.

[innocentjoy]

I saw her today, and we sort of touched on the issue. I didn't bring up the supervisor stuff, but did ask if she's been feeling overwhelmed with me. I found out that she's worried about how I will do when I have to stop seeing her in the new year. Because of budgets/funding I can only see her until the end of February, etc. I was surprised she was so upfront about it. She also said that it has nothing to do with me, that it's her own stuff to deal with, she doesn't want to leave me hanging without doing everything possible for me. I wasn't worried about the termination, really, because I have another agency I will be switching to, but it's kind of sinking in that she will be 'gone' in a sense. My mind is already trying to find loopholes so that it doesn't end.

I also found out that I don't qualify for a program I'd tried to get into, with case management. That was a big shock, and not a good one.

[1776]

I can't believe people get "homework" from their therapists. If mine tried to pull that I'd tell him to f*** off.

If something is bugging you bring it up. Otherwise it will continue to annoy you until you deal with it.

[innocentjoy]

Originally Posted by 1776

I can't believe people get "homework" from their therapists. If mine tried to pull that I'd tell him to f*** off.

If something is bugging you bring it up. Otherwise it will continue to annoy you until you deal with it.

Can I ask how you expect therapy to work unless you spend time outside your appointments putting into place the skills you are learning? The whole point of therapy is to learn to better manage the ups and downs of life. Any 'homework' I get is mainly suggestions on how I can use what I'm learning in my real life, so that I'm not just going in for a very expensive conversation, or vent session.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by innocentjoy

Can I ask how you expect therapy to work unless you spend time outside your appointments putting into place the skills you are learning? The whole point of therapy is to learn to better manage the ups and downs of life. Any 'homework' I get is mainly suggestions on how I can use what I'm learning in my real life, so that I'm not just going in for a very expensive conversation, or vent session.

I have NEVER been given homework in therapy, and all my therapists would tell you that I do my work in therapy. Two of them are very well respected in the community. One of them, not so much - my bad in choosing her.

I wonder how you go from no homework to the time being very expensive conversation or a vent session. I would say that my sessions have never been either.

I would say that no homework doesn't mean I don't learn and apply outside of my session. I'd say it means I don't need anyone to suggest how to learn, that I'm capable of being self-directed and responding as life comes at me in unpredictable ways. I actually think that is unfair to say. I think some homework is probably very useful. And some of it not so much. Just as I think therapy without homework can be very useful, and sometimes homework may be useful.

[innocentjoy]

I never said anyone else was doing the 'very expensive conversation' if you'll re-read what I wrote. For me, this is what works. I'm sorry if you feel upset by what I wrote, but I wasn't commenting on you and your sessions, nor anyone elses. I didn't realize it would be offending someone for me to comment on my own experience.

I will clarify, so that it is clear I mean only myself:
I asked how therapy works unless you use what you learn in your life. That is still true, even if you think the work is being done in therapy. Your new attitiudes, ways of thinking, realizations, etc will change your everyday situations. the work may be done in session, but you will still use the work done in session in your daily life. My point in writing that was to illustrate that any work you do, you use in real life.

the next point was that my 'homework' as someone labelled it, is just that. Ways to use what I'm learning in session, in real life. It may be actual skills, it may be new ways of thinking. For me, this makes my sessions meaninful, to see that what I'm doing in therapy makes a difference in my life. Not anyone else's life. Mine. For me, the system we have works. I have no idea what works or doesnt work for others, I'm only commenting on my personal experience.

Lastly, I mentioned that it helped ME feel that I am not just going in for expensive conversation or vent session. This is a personal feeling, that if there are not a lot of ways to use the skills for MY issues, it would feel like all talk, without skills building (my personal reason for utilizing therapy at the moment).

These are my personal feelings about my work. Again, I am sorry if you felt it was a personal attack on yourself, or anyone other than me and my experiences. That was not my intention.