The desire to be touched by your T

Today I had an open session with my T, open because I honestly told about certain things without holding things back. I could not otherwise then be open and be honest, I felt tired and vulnerable by the things that happen related to my trauma, I still do feel overwhelmed.
My T was very understanding and loving, but also surprised how I was sitting there, sad and vulnerable. She said I've been through a lot the last few weeks, but that i must not give up. I did and do not think about giving up, i just felt sad. She asked me things about the past and for the first time, I just spoke open about it. She looked worried and concerned but also sad. She asked a lot and explained that she want to understand more, to understand better the introject part of me. I have DID, an introject is an offender/abuser imitative part. I asked her if she had experienced this with other clients, the extreme manifestations of that part. She said no, and then she started talking about earlier therapies that I've had, and that other therapists stopped with therapie because the behavior of this part....I did not know what to say. But suddenly i felt an intense desire that she would touch my face, that she would put her hand on my face, that she would touch my skin. I'm not at all of 'touch'
I can not deal well with touch of another, but I wanted to 'feel' her.

I'm trying to understand why I felt that? Has any of you ever felt during a therapy conversation the desire to be touched by your T? And not only a thought but a really intense feeling?

Yes. In the first year I was seeing him, at one session I remember telling him, "I cant go all my life with nobody loving me" and then I started crying. Pretty dramatic, even for me. I felt like ts and other people were always telling me I would be fine, all I needed was a relationship. But what they didn't understand was that I was too weird or broken to maintain a relationship. And now being older, I couldn't even find one. And I waz getting weirder by the minute. Well, ten years later, I feel like a different person - I do feel lovable.

Well a Therapist will never touch you unless you ask to be touched (and even then they still may not touch you). So if you don't ask your Therapist than she will never do it.

My ex-T asked me if he could hug me once.....I was bawling in the middle of a pretty traumatic experience for me. So sometimes a T might offer a hug...

Yes, I've had that burning desire, like I could just almost feel it because I wanted it so badly. Like an ache. I've never asked for it though, I am too afraid of rejection.

I only hugged my T twice on impulse both times when I was in the psych ward and she came to visit me. I was so desperate. She held me for long minutes. Never had I felt so safe. It's a feeling I will forever cherish.

That is the professional way with a well-trained therapist, or so I'm told. If you have been abused in anyway, touching someone can trigger emotions and it could go either way. It could be accepted as comfort or accepted in another way. IMO, I would like a hug if I'm sobbing, but it does come down to boundaries. I actually asked her if I could give her a hug, and she did.

True and at the same time I think that if you have some psychological issues than a hug rejection could be just as bad (I felt a little hurt emotionally when my Therapist wouldn't hug me after our final meeting but I didn't in any way want to hurt myself physically).

It's weird, even though I have felt like wanting a hug from past t's, I never asked. When I was offered one, I took it, but withdrew very quickly. Only once did my t hang in longer than me (kinda weird, but more motherly than anything else). I tend not to like being touched, though will hug people when asked out of courtesy and to avoid them feeling rejected (unless it's really inappropriate). I don't think I've felt that with my current t though. No, scrap that. I did want her to hold my hand once when I was taking about my inner child part-like kid (kinda telling sj it was ok to be there and she would be safe), but not sure how I would have reacted if she actually had offered or just reached out.

Yes, i feel this way.

It ranges from wanting her to lie next to me on her couch to wanting her to hold me

I always wanted my Ts to hold me but of course that never happened. This T is the only one who has allowed touch. Holding her hand felt like the safest, best feeling in the world. She won't do it anymore, though. I will always remember that feeling.

I've been lucky to have main T on occasion hug me, hold my hand and sit next to me on the couch (not often but enough to be healing)

I'm somewhat surprised that these feelings have cropped up in CBT therapy ---I thought all of those "bonding feelings" would stay w/main T. I like CBT t in his own right, but I feel like I want a hug or even touching like stroking my hair . I am more wary of my feelings for CBT guy because I find him attractive and I don't want to screw up a good working relationship. The only touch from him so far was a handshake when we first met. He's a warm and charming guy--not hard for me to want more.

Thanks for your comments!

It feels weird for me but I could put aside my shame, and I let my T know in a message that i have these feelings, and that i strongly felt it in the conversation. Her response was very nice, she told me that it's not weird in therapy. That kind of feelings, I often appoint as 'weird' My T does not like it when I call things like that weird. She explained to me that clients often have that kind of feelings, nothing strange of weird about that. I told her that I felt that because I was afraid that she would leave me, because she started about previous therapies i had. Then she sended me a picture of herself, it calmed me.

According to my T this are healthy feelings, and talk openly and honestly about is a good thing, that is therapy. I find it strange that she sees things like this as progress and development towards healing.....and on the other hand, I am happy that she approached things in this way.

Thanks again for the comments! it makes me feel less 'weird'

Liefs,
Bloem

Bloem, good for you for sharing this with your therapist!